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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with this message exchange

184 replies

Notjustmeah · 11/12/2024 10:35

My DP and I have been together for 2 years, we are expecting our first baby.
Generally life is good for us, he has one friend, wouldn't say they are very close as she lives in London, but they have been friends since they were teens. She's literally drop dead gorgeous, tall, skinny with abs, great figure etc.
For the whole time we've been together she's been in a relationship, so I've not really thought too hard about her, and like I said she's in London so he only sees her a few times a year when she comes up.
Now she's going through a break up and the guy cheated on her and she's is devastated. She's been messaging DP a lot more and he makes a lot of time to talk to her.
Last night he was up messaging her until gone 3am, almost 4. I had a feeling something was off, he never messages her for that long. This morning I decided to have a look while he was still sleeping, I know, I know I shouldn't have but it was really bothering me.
These messages have bothered me.

"I don't get why anyone would cheat on you, you're literally like Angelina Jolie and Kiera Knightley combined"

Then in a convo about how crap men are he was like I don't get how it's so hard to be a good guy. He then said
"If I learn how to clone you can have another me?" She replied "omg yes please that's a need"

This feels like he was saying he'd date her and her saying the same back?

The last one was from her where after he complained about my family being too money focused and not liking him she said
"They are shallow, I'd give all the money in the world for a guy like you"

AIBU to feel weird about these? He comments quite a lot about how gorgeous she is and he's going to London this weekend to party with her, so I might be being paranoid.

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 15/12/2024 19:07

That wasn't clear but what I was getting at was that he will say it was just supportive. I think he needs to provide some assurance he will keep better boundaries in future while maintaining friendships.

Luddite26 · 15/12/2024 19:09

Sounds a bit up himself. And he isn't behaving like one of the good guys and neither is she. Friends ok but not encroaching on time through the night.
YANBU and very sorry to have this when you are pregnant as it always feels even worse . You are more vulnerable.💐

Booboobagins · 15/12/2024 19:18

@Notjustmeah you need to talk ru o him. Be clear about boundaries/expectations and how you feel esp given you're pregnant. I would suggest he postpones until uih can all visit her and party or go with him.

He's sailing close to the wind and I agree with others that she will be a willing participant or even orchestrator if he goes on him own whilst she is feeling crappy due to her relationship breakdown.

stayathomer · 15/12/2024 19:19

Agree with the person saying if he wanted to be with her he would already x

MyPithyPoster · 15/12/2024 19:20

Id be shutting it down and no he cant go partying whilst his pregnant partner is at home, even aside of these messages

sussexman · 15/12/2024 19:24

He is (probably) trying to make a friend feel better and misjudging how to do that in the middle of the night. You should definitely bring it up with him, though. That's a line crossed - even if he most likely doesn't realize it.

mumedu · 15/12/2024 19:27

This is all wrong and you know it OP. It needs to stop.

MJconfessions · 15/12/2024 19:30

To be honest I would just wait and see how this plays out.

If you confront him now, he will 100% go to her for support and if they’re meeting up in person, it will be easier for them to cross a line if he is pissed off at you.

But ultimately if they do end up together there is absolutely nothing that you can do now to stop that. You can’t switch off the feelings they may have regardless of what you say/do. It almost reads like he thinks she’s the one who got away.

It does suck for you and it is horrible for you but there’s nothing you can do to control it, this is all on him now. I would just think about your exit plan just in case. Nothing may come of it, but you’ll feel more confident knowing you have protected yourself.

YouZirName · 15/12/2024 19:32

MyPithyPoster · 15/12/2024 19:20

Id be shutting it down and no he cant go partying whilst his pregnant partner is at home, even aside of these messages

I'm sure if your partner tried to "shut it down" and forbid you from doing something you'd be on here complaining, but it's okay for OP to do that because.. She's a woman?

Buttercup198 · 15/12/2024 19:33

They've crossed the line and as for the party tell him to pack his bag and not come back he clearly is very interested in her and that's bullshit unacceptable in no shape or form would I accept this let the man go he sounds like if he had a chance he will fuck this women without a doubt

barbiegirl881 · 15/12/2024 19:35

I had a best friend who was male for 7 years. When I became single it became clear he wanted more - I would never have expected it before that date. A mutual (male) friend of ours told me “men are never really happy just being friends with women, they are biding their time until they get their opportunity”. That mutual friend also then made a pass at me a couple of years later when he himself became single. I declined.
I’ve since reflected on a lot of my male “friends” throughout the years and realised if I’d attempted to sleep with them at any time I would have been successful and that’s nothing about me being super hot or anything, it’s just because I’m female. I’d be wary of this OP. I told so many of the original friend mentioned above’s girlfriends that we were like brother and sister and they had nothing to worry about - the whole time they did really, I was just unaware of it.

Newsenmum · 15/12/2024 19:39

This is absolutely not ok. They are both crossing a line here. One or both should be reeling themselves back in.

MyPithyPoster · 15/12/2024 19:40

YouZirName · 15/12/2024 19:32

I'm sure if your partner tried to "shut it down" and forbid you from doing something you'd be on here complaining, but it's okay for OP to do that because.. She's a woman?

Show quote history

He has choosen to impregnate and live his life with the OP, Angelina Jolie needs to FO and no I wouldn’t be so naive as to think any man would be my “friend” without wanting to sleep with me. It doesn’t happen.

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 15/12/2024 19:43

By the sound of it, if she wanted him, they probably would’ve got together ages ago. Id bet she’s just looking for an ego boost to make herself feel better about her cheating ex.

DBD1975 · 15/12/2024 19:44

You need to take her down and fast, totally out of order. As for your husband, he has crossed a line.
Some women just need to know they can have any man they want, her ego is dented, it is not for your husband to repair it.

Gowlett · 15/12/2024 19:47

NoBody is right, it’s just making her feel better about herself.

I reckon she probably friend-zoned your DH a long time ago.

Pensionswew · 15/12/2024 19:52

Absolutely they are sending each other a clear message that they fancy each other.

I would not be happy at all.

Was your pregnancy planned?
Two years together is not long to already be pregnant IMO.

ByBusyTiger · 15/12/2024 19:53

You’re not paranoid. Nice little emotional affair they have going on there under your nose.

A man who sucks up to his perfect female friend whilst having a pregnant woman at home, not cool. She’s nasty too, manipulative.
I can tell by their bitch fest about your family that they’re not good. You’re right to be upset and sadly this is just the things you have seen.

Trust your instincts. They both sound like snakes 🐍

Delatron · 15/12/2024 20:03

It’s massively inappropriate obviously. The only think I’d wonder is why they having already got together if you think they fancy each other? There must be a reason.

Either way, I’d tell him if he wants to go party with her then fine. But you won’t be hanging around waiting for him. After those messages I’d be questioning the relationship.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 20:04

In your place - he would not be going to London and I would be offering an ultimatum. You either cease contact or the relationship is over and mean it. If he can’t do it, then you have your answer op.
You should not have to live in her shadow op.

JaffaCake70 · 15/12/2024 20:05

PalisadesPatty · 11/12/2024 11:07

Shut that shit down asap OP. I’d be making it very clear that going “partying” with this woman is completely unacceptable. If he wants to keep his relationship with you and his child then he needs to send her a message making it clear he’s taken and he’s not going to engage on this level with her. If it was my DP I’d insist he didn’t have any contact at all actually. He’s been very disrespectful to you.

100% this!

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 15/12/2024 20:06

Notjustmeah · 11/12/2024 10:35

My DP and I have been together for 2 years, we are expecting our first baby.
Generally life is good for us, he has one friend, wouldn't say they are very close as she lives in London, but they have been friends since they were teens. She's literally drop dead gorgeous, tall, skinny with abs, great figure etc.
For the whole time we've been together she's been in a relationship, so I've not really thought too hard about her, and like I said she's in London so he only sees her a few times a year when she comes up.
Now she's going through a break up and the guy cheated on her and she's is devastated. She's been messaging DP a lot more and he makes a lot of time to talk to her.
Last night he was up messaging her until gone 3am, almost 4. I had a feeling something was off, he never messages her for that long. This morning I decided to have a look while he was still sleeping, I know, I know I shouldn't have but it was really bothering me.
These messages have bothered me.

"I don't get why anyone would cheat on you, you're literally like Angelina Jolie and Kiera Knightley combined"

Then in a convo about how crap men are he was like I don't get how it's so hard to be a good guy. He then said
"If I learn how to clone you can have another me?" She replied "omg yes please that's a need"

This feels like he was saying he'd date her and her saying the same back?

The last one was from her where after he complained about my family being too money focused and not liking him she said
"They are shallow, I'd give all the money in the world for a guy like you"

AIBU to feel weird about these? He comments quite a lot about how gorgeous she is and he's going to London this weekend to party with her, so I might be being paranoid.

I would be seriously pissed off if I were you. The problem is that she was already in a relationship when you and your partner got together, so you’ve never seen them together when she’s single. He could have been waiting for his chance all this time and now it’s come. Sorry, that sounds harsh but that’s what I’d be thinking

Aberentian · 15/12/2024 20:11

What a dick, massaging his little ego. Ew.

Ghostgothemma · 15/12/2024 20:11

Honestly, I would have it out with him. Tell him that he needs to show you that he's committed to you and the baby. If he's constantly thinking that he's settling for you then let him go to little miss best friend. You deserve someone who will tell someone that they're crossing a line and that they're only ever gonna be their friend as in platonic and nothing more. If he's dissing your family to her, he's probably dissing you as well. She's probably doing it to and he's not standing up for you. Let him walk if he can't give you the respect you deserve.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 20:15

yanbu at all in fact I don’t get why you’re not raging (though it wouldn’t be good for the baby so stay calm)

This is one of those situations where he’s her fallback guy. She goes to him for an ego massage and bc she knows she could have him if she wanted him. He has always fancied her but she has always been in a relationship and has only wanted him as a friend. Now she’s alone and her ego has been damaged and she’s using him
for a boost. Absolutely shameful of her when she knows he’s having a child with you but he’s the one who should be putting the dampers on this and shutting it down - he is your partner and father of your unborn child.

He’s a pathetic cad and you know if she clicked her fingers he’d go running.

Its up to you to decide whether you can get over this - I know I couldn’t.