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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with this message exchange

184 replies

Notjustmeah · 11/12/2024 10:35

My DP and I have been together for 2 years, we are expecting our first baby.
Generally life is good for us, he has one friend, wouldn't say they are very close as she lives in London, but they have been friends since they were teens. She's literally drop dead gorgeous, tall, skinny with abs, great figure etc.
For the whole time we've been together she's been in a relationship, so I've not really thought too hard about her, and like I said she's in London so he only sees her a few times a year when she comes up.
Now she's going through a break up and the guy cheated on her and she's is devastated. She's been messaging DP a lot more and he makes a lot of time to talk to her.
Last night he was up messaging her until gone 3am, almost 4. I had a feeling something was off, he never messages her for that long. This morning I decided to have a look while he was still sleeping, I know, I know I shouldn't have but it was really bothering me.
These messages have bothered me.

"I don't get why anyone would cheat on you, you're literally like Angelina Jolie and Kiera Knightley combined"

Then in a convo about how crap men are he was like I don't get how it's so hard to be a good guy. He then said
"If I learn how to clone you can have another me?" She replied "omg yes please that's a need"

This feels like he was saying he'd date her and her saying the same back?

The last one was from her where after he complained about my family being too money focused and not liking him she said
"They are shallow, I'd give all the money in the world for a guy like you"

AIBU to feel weird about these? He comments quite a lot about how gorgeous she is and he's going to London this weekend to party with her, so I might be being paranoid.

OP posts:

GreatScroller · 15/12/2024 20:24

Seems like she is someone he has always pined for and she likely was never interested and now she has had a break up is thinking perhaps he is a good guy and a safe bet. She likely wouldn’t get with him, he likely wants to be with her. Could be absolutely wrong but this is the vibe you’ve given with the info. To be honest that friendship would be an absolute no from me

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 20:30

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 20:15

yanbu at all in fact I don’t get why you’re not raging (though it wouldn’t be good for the baby so stay calm)

This is one of those situations where he’s her fallback guy. She goes to him for an ego massage and bc she knows she could have him if she wanted him. He has always fancied her but she has always been in a relationship and has only wanted him as a friend. Now she’s alone and her ego has been damaged and she’s using him
for a boost. Absolutely shameful of her when she knows he’s having a child with you but he’s the one who should be putting the dampers on this and shutting it down - he is your partner and father of your unborn child.

He’s a pathetic cad and you know if she clicked her fingers he’d go running.

Its up to you to decide whether you can get over this - I know I couldn’t.

This in a nutshell.

He either wholly steps up for you or the relationship is totally doomed.

GivingitToGod · 15/12/2024 20:39

MsPavlichenko · 11/12/2024 10:40

YANBU. The messages have crossed a line, and it’s unsurprising you feel vulnerable especially as you are pregnant.

This

Londoneye20 · 15/12/2024 20:41

I think it's just friends tbh, wouldn't worry me

xTheLoudLeaderx · 15/12/2024 20:51

It sounds like they’re both living in a fantasy text world. Absolutely this is out of order on both sides. She’s looking for comfort and found it in your man… and he’s complimenting her while slagging off your family !

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2024 20:53

The question now is, what are you going to do about it?

You are at the Sliding Doors moment.

You can either say "I saw your exchange with X, I am not at all happy with how it ended up with you saying how gorgeous she is, how she wants to be with you and how you are going up this weekend to go partying with her .For the sake of our relationship and out of respect for me, I think you should cancel and consider how come your chat with her ended up in that place"

Or you can watch and wait and panic and cry and worry and end up either being dumped when you are pregnant or never mentioning it again but living a life of insecurity.

diddl · 15/12/2024 20:54

"If I learn how to clone you can have another me?" She replied "omg yes please that's a need"
This feels like he was saying he'd date her and her saying the same back?

I think it says that he would date her if he could but he can't.

Hence a clone needed.

Still too flirty/ego stroking for me.

So your family feel that you could do better & they have let him know this?

That's horrible of them if so.

Stravaig · 15/12/2024 21:03

The omg klaxons! view is well represented, so two opposing thoughts.

You say they've been friends since teens? If they'd wanted to be together, they've had ample opportunity. Instead they have repeatedly chosen to be with other people. Currently, he chooses you.

I'm a quiet, reserved soul, yet I've been cast as a potential threat more often than I've had actual sexual partners of my own! It has never, ever been accurate. Friends are friends, nothing more. Logically, if we wanted to be together, we could have been, and would have been, in any of the many years/decades before the latest worried or jealous or possessive or paranoid new woman showed up. But we don't, so we haven't.

It gets so fucking tedious. My closest friends all used to be male. Not so much now. Thanks for that, world. It's not love when you want to make the life of your supposed new beloved smaller.

If this guy isn't right for you, if you don't feel confident and happy and secure with him, then it's good you split up and find someone who is better for you. However, male-female friendship is not the problem, nor is him supporting an old friend through a breakup. You snooping his messages is a giant red flag though, as is making your pre-existing insecurities about her.

MeridianB · 15/12/2024 21:11

Totally unacceptable messages. Could you open up a conversation with how late he stayed up messaging and see what he shares?

And then check out his reaction to you suggesting you go with him to London?

Oreyt · 15/12/2024 21:23

Did he go to London?

FairyMaclary · 15/12/2024 21:23

So he’s texting his ‘friend’ sympathising and they both think guys who cheat are arseholes. But this is really his chat up line to fuel his emotional affair and get his ‘friend’ to blow smoke up his arse. Cloning and fawning.

And they both think he is the good guy. A man who is worth cloning. Wow.

There’s some twisty cheater logic going on there. I regularly say cheaters tie themselves in knots to justify their behaviour. These two are pretzels.

Read ‘Not just friends’ by Shirley Glass.

I wish you well. This is all him, not you. The only prize here is you. Cheating is a choice and he has crossed many boundaries here.

Lizardgirl797 · 15/12/2024 21:27

Emotional cheating. You both need to create solid and strong boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends. This is way over the line and needs to stop immediately. My partner just told a women he looked hot in a shirt and they both bashed me. He is no longer friends with her because I was devastated by their inappropriate relationship. There's some good videos on YouTube about what these boundaries could look like.

Devonshirerexx · 15/12/2024 21:32

I think going to party with her is off with you being pregnant, i would go with him , but i would say words to those for a friend to lift up their spirits in reply to the messages. you need to be in their company and feel the vibe in their presence.
If it is going to happen it will regardless.
I don't worry myself due to that way in my thinking.
Have you discussed her situation with him and said now she is single and you are pregnant you would feel much more comfortable if he didn't party with a single woman due to putting himself in a position that could compromise your relationship.

Thursdaygirl · 15/12/2024 21:50

Have you discussed her situation with him and said now she is single and you are pregnant you would feel much more comfortable if he didn't party with a single woman due to putting himself in a position that could compromise your relationship.

This

SexAndCakes · 15/12/2024 21:51

I have no issue with platonic male / female relationships but in my view those messages amount to cheating. Totally unacceptable. And how pregnant are you OP? Why is he leaving his pregnant partner alone to go and 'party' with her for the weekend? This all seems quite off to me.

KarmaKat · 15/12/2024 21:52

Sorry OP, this would be completely unacceptable for me.

ftp · 15/12/2024 21:54

My DP (now DH) had a drop dead, gorgeous, rich, ex who kept in touch. I made friends with her. (We did lose touch, but only because she moved away) If you are still fit enough, invite yourself along. Perhaps, you could discuss her coming to the christening, and if wedding is in the discussion, ask her to be a bridesmaid. This puts her firmly in your circle, and you can drop her later.

Plastictrees · 15/12/2024 21:55

Pensionswew · 15/12/2024 19:52

Absolutely they are sending each other a clear message that they fancy each other.

I would not be happy at all.

Was your pregnancy planned?
Two years together is not long to already be pregnant IMO.

Helpful. OP can’t reverse the pregnancy can she!

Jerkaround · 15/12/2024 22:08

This would hurt me so much, I couldn’t unsee it neither could I imagine trusting him ever again and would not be comfortable issuing an ultimatum.
my only option would be to let him go.
fuck them, pair of arseholes

MoonKiss · 15/12/2024 22:15

One of my best friends is male and yes I have whinged about my husband and in-laws at times, just as I do with female friends.

However, in over 30 years of friendship we have never messaged like that - they’ve crossed a line, the feckin idiots.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/12/2024 22:19

Yeah, it's bang out of order. ''Id give all the money in the world for a guy like you'?? Or whatever. It's nauseating teenage sounding absolute gagger flirting.
Who says that to their platonic friend.
Tell him to go out with her.
You deserve a faithful, respectful partner who doesn't act like a cock end.
No doubt whatsoever she's not going to be exclusively dating him if they do 'get together'.

MsDogLady · 15/12/2024 22:49

@Notjustmeah, this is totally unacceptable. Your P is choosing to play with fire and shit all over your relationship and family.

The dynamic between them has shifted, as they have absolutely started an emotional affair. They sound intoxicated by their KISA/Damsel intimacy, which is being energized by their physical attraction. They’re building a romantic connection.

Act now, @Notjustmeah, or you will bitterly regret not doing so. If my H had been uttering those words and pouring an abundance of his emotional energy, time and attention into another woman, I would be reading him the riot act and investigating my options. He would certainly not be going to party with her, and cutting her off completely would be a requirement before I would even consider continuing our relationship.

WigglyVonWaggly · 15/12/2024 23:13

They seem to have been testing out if the other is attracted to them and each has made it clear that they’d be interested in the other. Red flags all over this. If he wants to carry on with messages like this he needs to be single so it’s time to confront him while there’s still hope that he’ll come to his senses. The only way he can prove he can be trusted now is if he’s willing to totally cut contact with her and focus on you and the baby. Unfortunately, too many affairs start like this: people testing out other potential partners, it escalating, and all while being too cowardly to end existing relationships in case they change their mind about the exciting new option and end up blowing it all.

WigglyVonWaggly · 15/12/2024 23:15

ftp · 15/12/2024 21:54

This is bonkers advice. Bring her even closer into the relationship she’s already intruding into?!

Zonder · 15/12/2024 23:27

Oreyt · 15/12/2024 21:23

Did he go to London?

I'm hoping he came to his senses and didn't go.

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