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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parter lying about doctor's message

178 replies

Houdogni · 11/12/2024 07:50

This is a bit of a strange one and I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan.

A couple of days after the scan, partner was upset because he had missed a call from the hospital while he was working. They had left a message saying that they wanted to discuss his scan and would call later or the next day.

He has been out of his mind with worry, saying that as the doctor is phoning so soon after the scan, it must be bad news. The hospital didn't call back yesterday and when partner called them, he just got a recorded message.

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news. I should say now, that I have never snooped on his phone before. I've never had any reason to. I just wanted to put my mind at rest or be able to prepare myself for the worst.

The voicemail was saved and the doctor clearly says "I want to talk about your scan. There is nothing to worry about but I'll call you later or tomorrow". Obviously this is great news but my partner had not said anything about the "nothing to worry about" comment.

This morning, I asked if I could listen to the message but he told me he hadn't saved it (lie). He was still going on about how it must definitely bad news so I asked him if the doctor had given any indication at all, as I would've expected him to call again that afternoon if bad news. He said 'no'. So I outright asked if the doctor had said 'don't worry' or anything like that and he said no (lie).

I'm just really confused as to why he's lying. Surely he would want to put my mind at rest by letting me know that the doctor had said that there is nothing to worry about. Part of me wonders if he is secretly enjoying the drama of me worrying that he is seriously ill. Any thoughts please?

YABU - he just wants to be absolutely sure of his results before telling me.
YANBU - it is horrible of him to lie about such a serious matter.

OP posts:
emailnonse · 11/12/2024 07:52

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news.

unbelievable
just unbelievable

you should be utterly ashamed of yourself

Doggymummar · 11/12/2024 07:53

I don't think he is lying, he probably focused on a different part of the message. I had a breast cancer scare in the summer and was asked to go for additional routine tests. I didn't 'hear' routine and focused on having to go to the cancer wing.

Lifelover16 · 11/12/2024 07:54

It’s confidential information and you are unreasonable to snoop on his phone. Perhaps he is waiting to find out for definite what is going on and doesn’t want to worry you until he is sure of diagnosis.

emailnonse · 11/12/2024 07:54

he isn’t lying
he is anxious and tendency to focus on the negative

You meanwhile….. have behaved abysmally and should be ashamed of yourself

you aren’t going to be honest with him are you?

Sirzy · 11/12/2024 07:55

The doctor wants to speak to him after a scan. I think even with the “nothing to worry about” comment most people would worry!

going snooping on his phone is the bit that is really wrong

BlueSilverCats · 11/12/2024 07:55

Is he often dramatic or lies about things?

Octonaut4Life · 11/12/2024 07:55

To be honest he might not actually be lying, is there a reason you're so sure he is? Messages can be saved to your phone without you needing to actively save them; he might just not know that. But more importantly when people get a message about something like that which they're very stressed or worried about, sometimes listening comprehension goes out the window. He might just genuinely have not really taken in the part where they said not to worry (or had prior experience with doctors saying this and then it turning out to be something to worry about) and I don't think it's that unusual to not remember the exact wording of a message if you've only listened to it once.

Is something else going on that's making you put such a negative view of this?

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 11/12/2024 07:56

You don't think very highly of him, do you?

Poor bloke is having a health scare and you're finding a way to make it about you.

Adventlandonhs · 11/12/2024 07:57

emailnonse · 11/12/2024 07:52

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news.

unbelievable
just unbelievable

you should be utterly ashamed of yourself

Don’t be so ridiculous.

He’s clearly a liar and milking for some sympathy. He should be ashamed of himself.

LookingForAHandHold · 11/12/2024 07:59

OP, as someone with family who tend to go the opposite way and minimise their health problems, I understand why you'd feel the need to do that. I've done it with my dad before and I stand by what I did.

Your partner is disgraceful. He's doing this to manipulate you. The doctor has said there's nothing to worry about (and they wouldn't say that if there was), and he's acting like he's just been told he's dying. The fact he's lying now, saying the doctor hasn't given any indication of if he needs to be worried says it all. He wants attention and sympathy.

Lomoto · 11/12/2024 07:59

As someone who has had almost yearly breast cancer scares; when you're faced with anything related to cancer you sometimes can't hear any indication of positive news. The fear is overwhelming it almost pushed me to a breakdown (my experience was unusual and complex though).
You know you shouldn't have snooped on his phone so that goes without saying.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 11/12/2024 07:59

Oh OP, some of these replies are very harsh! You were worried and did something you normally wouldn't do. How marvelous to know so many mumsnetters are perfect and have never/would never make a mistake.

With regards to some of the kinder posters saying he's focused on the negative and not heard the positive, I'd agree and it's probably understandable (especially if he's a bit dramatic, like my DH).

Give him a pass on this one but if, as some others have said, if he's got form for lying or exaggerating, you may need to address that when this scare is over.

Lightswitchup · 11/12/2024 07:59

You are overthinking it OP. However people may be forgetting that you are also under stress and should cut you a bit of slack.

Cynic17 · 11/12/2024 08:00

This is his confidential medical information, OP, and you have no right to try to find out more about it. Who knows what your partner is thinking, but he needs to deal with this privately. He will tell you when he is ready, so please stop checking his phone.

Original poster
Houdogni · 11/12/2024 08:01

Doggymummar · 11/12/2024 07:53

I don't think he is lying, he probably focused on a different part of the message. I had a breast cancer scare in the summer and was asked to go for additional routine tests. I didn't 'hear' routine and focused on having to go to the cancer wing.

Thank you very much. This is really helpful. I am beside myself with worry and have not slept for days.

I hope it all worked out well for you.

OP posts:
Lightswitchup · 11/12/2024 08:02

I hope it is good news and there is nothing to worry about

emailnonse · 11/12/2024 08:02

Adventlandonhs · 11/12/2024 07:57

Don’t be so ridiculous.

He’s clearly a liar and milking for some sympathy. He should be ashamed of himself.

Show quote history

op didn’t know this
she listened her boyfriends messages on the sly

that is simply not on

LookingForAHandHold · 11/12/2024 08:03

@emailnonse because he won't tell her anything. That's selfish and not how you treat a partner.

Adventlandonhs · 11/12/2024 08:05

emailnonse · 11/12/2024 08:02

op didn’t know this
she listened her boyfriends messages on the sly

that is simply not on

Show quote history

You don’t make a partner worry even more when the message literally says nothing to worry about!

He’s disgusting for dragging it out.

emailnonse · 11/12/2024 08:05

LookingForAHandHold · 11/12/2024 08:03

@emailnonse because he won't tell her anything. That's selfish and not how you treat a partner.

maybe he doesn’t feel close to the OP
maybe he has health anxiety

either way… you don’t invade someone’s private messages

LookingForAHandHold · 11/12/2024 08:05

Also OP, just to say I sympathise with how you're feeling right now. My mum is on a 2 week cancer referral and you just can't relax. You feel so drained and emotionally exhausted, being braced for bad news. If I found out my mum had been told there was nothing to worry about but she was hysterical and letting me worry, I'd be heartbroken.

Original poster
Houdogni · 11/12/2024 08:06

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 11/12/2024 07:59

Oh OP, some of these replies are very harsh! You were worried and did something you normally wouldn't do. How marvelous to know so many mumsnetters are perfect and have never/would never make a mistake.

With regards to some of the kinder posters saying he's focused on the negative and not heard the positive, I'd agree and it's probably understandable (especially if he's a bit dramatic, like my DH).

Give him a pass on this one but if, as some others have said, if he's got form for lying or exaggerating, you may need to address that when this scare is over.

Edited

Thank you. I'm not proud of listening to the message and I wasn't doing it to catch him out. He can be quite negative about things and I just wanted to see if I could pick up any hints either way. The phone was there and I wasn't able to resist the temptation.

OP posts:
LookingForAHandHold · 11/12/2024 08:06

@emailnonse if he doesn't feel close to her then that's the end of the relationship. Health anxiety or not, he's been told there's nothing to worry about. So he passes that message on.

kiwiane · 11/12/2024 08:07

Maybe he’s enjoying the drama and attention and wants the focus to be on him? You probably have a hunch as to his normal behaviour; in any case there’s no point in worrying so much you can’t sleep as it won’t change matters.
I think you should act less concerned and not feed his anxiety - when he gets results you can be supportive but know to be wary of his interpretation.

Icanttakethisanymore · 11/12/2024 08:09

I’m usually one for giving people the benefit of the doubt but I think the repeated lies to direct questions do indicate he is trying to mislead you. As to why, that’s a more complicated question i suppose, and one you might be better placed to speculate about given you know him. It’s certainly a bit odd though.