Parter lying about doctor's message

[Houdogni]

This is a bit of a strange one and I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan.

A couple of days after the scan, partner was upset because he had missed a call from the hospital while he was working. They had left a message saying that they wanted to discuss his scan and would call later or the next day.

He has been out of his mind with worry, saying that as the doctor is phoning so soon after the scan, it must be bad news. The hospital didn't call back yesterday and when partner called them, he just got a recorded message.

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news. I should say now, that I have never snooped on his phone before. I've never had any reason to. I just wanted to put my mind at rest or be able to prepare myself for the worst.

The voicemail was saved and the doctor clearly says "I want to talk about your scan. There is nothing to worry about but I'll call you later or tomorrow". Obviously this is great news but my partner had not said anything about the "nothing to worry about" comment.

This morning, I asked if I could listen to the message but he told me he hadn't saved it (lie). He was still going on about how it must definitely bad news so I asked him if the doctor had given any indication at all, as I would've expected him to call again that afternoon if bad news. He said 'no'. So I outright asked if the doctor had said 'don't worry' or anything like that and he said no (lie).

I'm just really confused as to why he's lying. Surely he would want to put my mind at rest by letting me know that the doctor had said that there is nothing to worry about. Part of me wonders if he is secretly enjoying the drama of me worrying that he is seriously ill. Any thoughts please?

YABU - he just wants to be absolutely sure of his results before telling me.
YANBU - it is horrible of him to lie about such a serious matter.

she wasn’t snooping as such

What would you call listening to someone's voicemails without their permission in order to find out personal health information?

I think he's dealing with it in his own way.
Even tho the doctor said there is nothing to worry about he is anxious about them calling so soon and wanting to discuss it, so he's kind of concentrated on that bit rather than the nothing to worry about. He probably thinks it's something to worry about. Let him get on with it and process it his way.
It is confidential pp's are right. Altho I understand your frustration you shouldn't have l

Missing the point entirely 🙄

No I didn't grill him endlessly, and from the beginning, I have listened to how he feels. Are you getting mixed up with someone else?

Looked on his phone.
Sorry, I pressed send accidentally before finishing!

You did nothing wrong in listening to the message, it was in his best interests. I hope it all works out for you both. I’m thinking perhaps prostate problems? The blood test is notoriously unreliable.🌺

Wow, sounds very difficult for you. I suppose, as you say, the way you were notified was appropriate to the circumstances, so understandable. I’m so sorry you’re facing this, and l wish you well.

You seem to have asked him a lot of questions about exactly what the message says and if he saved it and if it had these exact words or those ones. Sounds like grilling to me.

@jellykitkat why is everyone brushing over the fact her partner lied to her face? He's using this to manipulate her

I agree with others that he’s probably listened to the voicemail once and then not heard it properly. Or he did hear it properly but he’s still really anxious and he doesn’t want people telling him not to be silly /his feelings aren’t valid so he’s choosing to keep what the doctor said quiet as he doesn’t beleive it yet.

also my voicemails save automatically I have to consciously delete them.

I would try and reassure him that if it was bad news the doctor (probably) wouldn’t be doing it over the phone. I’m not saying its never happened but with cancer I think they’d call you in. Breaking the news of cancer from my experience is one of the things nhs gets rights.

This. I don’t think he’s necessarily lying. Just so tied up with anxiety he’s not registering what the doctor is actually saying.

“It’s nothing to worry about” could be interpreted in different ways. It’s not a definitive all clear until he’s been told face to face conclusively benign.

I wouldn’t call it snooping for a start. She did it with the best of intentions. And as l said before, when you have a close partner or spouse, health problems affect both partners. I was recently diagnosed with cancer. My partner has been out of his mind with worry. I’ve made sure he can access all the letters and test results in my hospital online portal and can read them whenever he has doubts or questions, and he’s present at every appointment.

I will be undergoing a mastectomy next week after the failure of a lumpectomy a few weeks ago, and yesterday was told that a lymph node biopsy has shown cancer cells, so will be having more surgery for that. DH is fully up to speed and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The thought of lying and withholding information to actively cause worry where there is no need is just abhorrent. And on this showing I really feel for OP because if he’s doing this to cause unnecessary drama at this stage, then if there is a problem needing treatment OP has bigger problems down the line.

Because it’s not that simple, and we don’t know that’s what he’s doing?

@jellykitkat it is. She asked him if the doctor said it was nothing to worry about and he said no. That's a blatant lie.

She was being very dishonest and snooping to find out private information. She may need to address her dishonesty and lack of trust - no way she was sneaking on his phone for reassurance, she was being incredibly nosy.

Or you could read all the posts on the thread explaining why it’s not that simple.

Please stop tagging me to make the same point over and over.

How is it in his best interests when she hasn’t even told him she’s listened to it and pointed out the ‘nothing to worry about’ bit?

From what the OP has posted I can see why she felt compelled to listen, but it hasn’t benefited him at all.

My mum last week had similar. Fortunately she’s totally fine, but all she could think about was being on the cancer pathway, going to the cancer wing, etc.

Pleased you’re also ok!

Of course we do. He omitted the part about ‘nothing to worry about’ and lied to cover his tracks. OP asked to see the message and he told her it hadn’t been saved. I don’t buy into the theory that he missed that part himself. If he’s so worried, he will have listened to that message more than once trying to gauge the consultant’s mood, so the idea he doesn’t know exactly what was said is nonsense.

Could he have the call on loudspeaker with you beside him?

I’m not suggesting he’s lying at all - I agree with other posters that he has heard the worst. It just might be helpful for that very reason. I know if I’m panicking I can’t listen, so an extra set of ears might be helpful to make sure he gets all the info. It’s also easier if it’s someone a bit further removed. I spoke with all the doctors in hospital about my partners mother as he was panicking and upset and couldn’t really take it in. Things like “there’s a possibility of X” became “it’s absolutely definitely X and she has hours to live”. Your brain just doesn’t work properly under that kind of stress.

He doesn't want to talk about it and you should respect his wishes. Instead you go snooping in his private messages. Not good.

So why did he tell OP he hadn’t saved the message when she asked to listen to it ?

I’d be bricking it. In my mind they always say ‘nothing to worry about’ to relax you but not necessarily true!

You are making it all about you, AND you snooped! Awful behaviour.

He has tried to get through to the hospital this morning and they have said that the consultant will be in touch when he's free. He seems very anxious.

If he’s anxious he’s clearly not faking it. So I think either he didn’t take on board the voicemail or he doesn’t want to get his hopes up until the doctor has formally confirmed.

As he’s not dramatic and in fact quite blasé about his other health condition he’s unlikely to be dramatic on purpose with this one.

@Soontobe60 do your psychic powers extend to the winning lottery numbers?