Parter lying about doctor's message

[Houdogni]

This is a bit of a strange one and I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan.

A couple of days after the scan, partner was upset because he had missed a call from the hospital while he was working. They had left a message saying that they wanted to discuss his scan and would call later or the next day.

He has been out of his mind with worry, saying that as the doctor is phoning so soon after the scan, it must be bad news. The hospital didn't call back yesterday and when partner called them, he just got a recorded message.

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news. I should say now, that I have never snooped on his phone before. I've never had any reason to. I just wanted to put my mind at rest or be able to prepare myself for the worst.

The voicemail was saved and the doctor clearly says "I want to talk about your scan. There is nothing to worry about but I'll call you later or tomorrow". Obviously this is great news but my partner had not said anything about the "nothing to worry about" comment.

This morning, I asked if I could listen to the message but he told me he hadn't saved it (lie). He was still going on about how it must definitely bad news so I asked him if the doctor had given any indication at all, as I would've expected him to call again that afternoon if bad news. He said 'no'. So I outright asked if the doctor had said 'don't worry' or anything like that and he said no (lie).

I'm just really confused as to why he's lying. Surely he would want to put my mind at rest by letting me know that the doctor had said that there is nothing to worry about. Part of me wonders if he is secretly enjoying the drama of me worrying that he is seriously ill. Any thoughts please?

YABU - he just wants to be absolutely sure of his results before telling me.
YANBU - it is horrible of him to lie about such a serious matter.

I agree with those who say that comprehensive skills go out of the window in these situations. And the message “don’t worry we need to talk to you about the scan” is very different to a message “all is clear, we discharge you as from today”. I’m not saying that OP’s husband is enjoying drama deliberately but some people are taking these sort of info with more drama than others. It’s not deliberate it’s just different personality. My mum would still behave as she’s got a week to live after this message so I’m not surprised.
But I’m surprised that people are so critical towards OP for the fact that she accessed DH’s phone. For all we know she might be absolutely beside herself with worry about her DH and trying hard to support him. It’s all good to say about privacy of medical information but if you are relying heavily on others for moral and practical support and your news affect them (and I suspect this is the case here) you owe them truth. OP’s husband is clearly so upset that he can’t even rely information correctly, I have a relative like this (my mum) and it makes life very difficult for nearest and dearest. One wrong word makes things much worse so you have to know what’s going on exactly to support the person whereas the person can’t pass the info reliably.
OP’s post was factual she didn’t want to moan, she asked for an advice but it didn’t mean that “ she doesn’t like the bloke or very critical of him” . If she was she would be indifferent to what’s going on. Cut her some slack.

Do you think a person’s right to medical confidentiality is equivalent to hiding an affair?

The OP didn’t listen to the message because she thought her husband was lying.

I don’t think it’s double standards at all as they’re very different scenarios.

So rather than support him you’ve broken his trust and decided your way is better. Lucky guy. Hopefully he can find someone who might actually support him better if he did have a problem. Men and women are often very different when it comes to healthcare, DH once passed a lot
of blood in his urine (it was basically just blood) but as I was in bed decided to just clean it up and sort in the morning. By morning he meant lunchtime and then he said something like “I might have a bit of a problem”. It was all fine but the point is he’s dealing with it in his own way. You have no right to overrule that.

It sounds like he's just extenerly anxious and running with the narrative that it's bad. Think PP are being a bit harsh on you. I think you know it was wrong to look at his phone, but I totally understand you're worried as well.

Only I have a mobile phone,we did have a landline until recently. Surgery has permission to give details to either of us.. he has access to the phone,we open each others post. We don't have secrets. If this was written about a man keeping private messages on his phone, MN would be the first to say,"he's obviously having an affair". Occasionally the surgery has rung left a message usually starts ", this is....... surgery, nothing to worry about but could you just ring". The surgery actually rang last year,hands free in the car, grandkids in the back,to discuss my vaginal hrt, they were killing themselves with laughter..

If he's a worrier I think he's probably not thinking straight. DH got completely the wrong end of the stick in a similar situation and good job I was with him and could ask Qs and clarify for him whilst he was getting his head round the update.

I hope all is good news when he speaks with his GP.

He's probably just hearing the negative tbh.
But snooping on his phone to listen to a private message regarding his health is so far over the line. It's completely unacceptable and if my DP did that I would end it immediately, it's a gross invasion of privacy.

Was that during the pandemic by any chance ? I ask because l also have cancer and have had three biopsies to stage it. I have an online portal where the hospital notifies appointment letters, pathology and radiology results, as well as copies of letters between consultant and GP. The diagnosis and subsequent biopsy results have all been inaccessible online until after l have been advised of same by the consultant, which is always face to face at a clinic appointment. I can’t imagine the worry it must have caused to hear life changing news like that via the phone, and l do hope it was a pre arranged call, so that you had some support available.

The doctor said nothing to worry about BUT he wants to talk to him. That BUT is cause for concern in itself. Your husband is not telling you everything is OK because he thinks it it sounds like it might not be. Maybe he just feels he can’t talk to you about it until he knows for sure. In his situation I might feel I’d be ‘jinxing’ the results if I allowed myself - or you - not to worry at this point.

I understand why you did it but you’re stuck now and now isn’t the time to address it.

If there was enough issues and symptoms to get a scan just because that’s clear doesn’t mean your out of the woods they might want to do further tests or investigations

as you say there’s some disgraceful people but it not OP’s DH

OP, when you listened to the message, you interpreted it as "its nothing to worry about", when he listened he interpreted it as "try not to worry too much just yet".

Hopefully he's contacted the hospital today. Even if there's something that looks suspicious enough to warrant a biopsy, that still means the odds are it's not cancer.

It isn't really though, is it? If it was anything serious they'd say. It's probably just something that requires easy treatment. Lying about it and being hysterical is wrong.

Whenever I’ve had a phone call shortly after an ultrasound, it’s been something concerning. If it was nothing you usually receive an ‘all clear’ letter/message a few weeks later.
I received a phone call shortly after an ultrasound saying not to worry but they had found a cyst which may be cancerous. It wasn’t in the end but I did need further tests and surgery to remove it.

YABU to snoop through his phone. I would be very cross if a partner or family member went through my phone to listen to confidential medical calls.

So you grilled him endlessly about the message instead of listening to how he feels? And then invaded his privacy? Not good, not good at all.

This is batshit. You aren’t the same person. Do your friends and family know that if they send you a message, your partner might read it?

Wow... just wow.

Why don't you go through what he's going through and then try to see how he feels.

They always say 'not to worry' but there is still something there. Yes it might not be cancel but still bad!

How about stop making this about you and more about your partner.

This is such a weird take.

It's normal for loved ones to be concerned. It's normal to feel anxiety and upset about it.

It's not normal to lie to their faces about what the doctor has said.

Feeling anxious doesn't mean you're making it about you.

@Rosscameasdoody Thanks for the message. No, it was 18 months ago, well after the pandemic. And it hadn't been arranged. Because I am prone to moles, I see a dermatologist once a year. Sometime she removes one or two, sometimes none. They are all routinely biopsied after removal. On my last visit she took an extra biopsy from a different type of lump. Again, pretty routine. I've been doing this for about ten years. She phoned me about a month after the last one to say that the additional lump had biopsied as cancerous, in particular (and why it was so long after removal as they needed to do some extra checks) it was t-cell lymphoma, a blood/bone marrow cancer, not skin cancer that she would normally deal with. I was just after parking the car in town, so it came as a bit of a shock. But I can't imagine any other way of doing it. Her saying that she needed to see me without saying why would only have lead to worrying until I did. At least this way I already had the bad news and could start to deal with it.

I'm doing ok now. The next stage of treatment is high-risk, so they don't want to do anything until the risk of doing nothing becomes greater than the risk of leaving alone for now. So I'm trying to carry on normal life as much as possible. I see various consultants every three months so it's all been face to face since that initial call.

Thank you to everyone who has given supportive and helpful messages. Based on some of the responses, I think maybe he doesn't want to get my hopes up before finding out the full picture. I have found the whole thing quite distressing but don't want to make it about me or my feelings (despite what some posters have said) which is why I have posted on here rather than talking to him about my worries. I want to be strong and supportive for him but I won't apologise for 'making it about me' on here. This is where I can say how I feel without burdening him with my own anxieties. He also doesn't want to discuss it with wider family and friends just yet, which is fine, so I haven't got anyone else to talk to about it.

He has tried to get through to the hospital this morning and they have said that the consultant will be in touch when he's free. He seems very anxious.

I will never understand MN’s stance on health issues. Why wouldn’t people be honest with a partner ? Health issues affect both partners - serious, life threatening ones devastate both partners, and if the relationship is a good one partners will support and comfort each other through the hard times - silly me, I thought that’s what ‘in sickness and in health’ meant !!

OP clearly had misgivings about what DP had been told - she wasn’t snooping as such, she was trying to defuse the tension a little. OK she didn’t exactly cover herself in glory, and she got more than she bargained for because she’s discovered that her DP is revelling in the drama and has deliberately withheld information which could have taken the worry out of the situation. He may have missed the ‘nothing to worry about’ part, but l doubt it. He lied several times to prevent her hearing the message. He’s enjoying her worry. That’s what’s unacceptable and a breach of trust l would fid very difficult to get past unless there was a very good reason.

Quite possibly that your partner didn’t listen to the whole message and didn’t hear the bit where it said nothing to worry about!!

I believe he could well be trying to worry you/gain sympathy. He is lying about the message for reasons known only to himself, he could and probably would have replayed it a number of times. He could have said "The message said not to worry but I AM worried" which anyone would sympathise with. Very odd.

No, that's not how I interpreted it. It is what the consultant actually said.

I agree with this