Parter lying about doctor's message

[Houdogni]

This is a bit of a strange one and I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan.

A couple of days after the scan, partner was upset because he had missed a call from the hospital while he was working. They had left a message saying that they wanted to discuss his scan and would call later or the next day.

He has been out of his mind with worry, saying that as the doctor is phoning so soon after the scan, it must be bad news. The hospital didn't call back yesterday and when partner called them, he just got a recorded message.

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news. I should say now, that I have never snooped on his phone before. I've never had any reason to. I just wanted to put my mind at rest or be able to prepare myself for the worst.

The voicemail was saved and the doctor clearly says "I want to talk about your scan. There is nothing to worry about but I'll call you later or tomorrow". Obviously this is great news but my partner had not said anything about the "nothing to worry about" comment.

This morning, I asked if I could listen to the message but he told me he hadn't saved it (lie). He was still going on about how it must definitely bad news so I asked him if the doctor had given any indication at all, as I would've expected him to call again that afternoon if bad news. He said 'no'. So I outright asked if the doctor had said 'don't worry' or anything like that and he said no (lie).

I'm just really confused as to why he's lying. Surely he would want to put my mind at rest by letting me know that the doctor had said that there is nothing to worry about. Part of me wonders if he is secretly enjoying the drama of me worrying that he is seriously ill. Any thoughts please?

YABU - he just wants to be absolutely sure of his results before telling me.
YANBU - it is horrible of him to lie about such a serious matter.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan

He has had symptoms and a poor blood test, I think that's enough to worry about. A "don't worry" left on voicemail won't be reassuring enough to balance out his understandable fears.

I think you are focusing on the impact on you...not on him. It must be incredibly frustrating to not be able to speak directly with a Dr however from your description there is likely to be some issue.

I wouldn’t necessarily believe there was ‘nothing to worry about’ if it was me. Maybe he didn’t take that bit in. Maybe he doesn’t realise the message was saved. He’s under stress and frightened, op is under stress and worried. I think that calling people ‘disgusting’ on the basis of very little information is way out of order.

If the results said "all clear", the doctor would have said that and left it at that. The fact that the doctor wants to see him to discuss the results means that they have shown something. So of course hes still worried. I dont think hes lying, hes concerned.

Maybe he’s enjoying the drama and attention and wants the focus to be on him?

This was my initial thought. Op tell him you heard the message..if you want him to be honest, you need to be too.

My DH suffers from health anxiety. I go with him to the doctors now as he just hears a completely different thing from what the doctor is telling him.

He's a normal rational person in every day life but when it comes to health he just only hears the negative.

As an example a liver specialist was telling him that the tests had found nothing wrong but to be sensible with alcohol. He heard that he must never ever drink alcohol ever again or he was going to die.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. He is obviously worried despite what the message said. Doctors do say things like ‘nothing to worry about’ when there is! Although hopefully not anything serious. Maybe he does want a bit of sympathy too.

I think you and some posters are being quite mean.

It’s one or the other - and only OP knows which it is likely to be.

Either he has listened to the message but can’t fully accept it and is still panicking, genuinely - or he’s lying and milking it.

I have a relative who has heard the ‘nothing to worry about’ message but could not fully accept it - kept thinking something has been missed. It could be that type of reaction.

Agree.

Currently going through this myself. The doctor's message said 'changes', 'growth', 'not dangerous'. The 'not dangerous' was the first thing I said when telling my family as I didn't want to terrify them. But I am still terrified myself as I don't have all the information yet.

That said, I'd be absolutely bloody furious if my DH secretly used my phone to access my communication with my doctor. I wouldn't care how worried he was. Because it's not about him and his worry does not justify this massive breach of trust.

The difference is though, you passed on the news accurately to ensure your family didn't worry. You didn't lie to their faces.

If I had chose to lie I'd be a massive twat. But that still wouldn't justify secretly accessing my medical information. No ifs or buts, that is completely unacceptable.

@MrTiddlesTheCat I would say it does. The worry that goes along with this is unbearable. For everyone. And to then lie to your partner's face and continue to be hysterical in order to get attention and sympathy is unacceptable

I sympathise with you listening to the message but you should have told him. Now you are both lying to each other! Come clean and support each other.

The OP is also lying to his face

If there was an serious emergent concern they would have been on the phone immediately (or wouldn't have let him leave). Has he a history of exaggerating? That clearly says nothing to worry about. You asked what it said and he lied. I'd want to know why.
I'm possibly projecting because I've had many scans, blood test, etc. The bad news ones had me being immediately admitted for operations, blood transfusion, etc. Once from scan to theatre was less than an hour.

@Porcuporpoise is she doing it for attention and sympathy? No

If it was bad news would the hospital telephone to give that news? My DH had cancer three times and he was always given the news face to face, never over a phone call.

Yes, he would've been in straight away. Not a "nothing to worry about, please come see us for a chat about the scan!". My mum put a form in about pain in her breast, within an hour she was at the GP and within two she had her referral. The NHS doesn't mess around when it comes to things like cancer.

He should have said they said not to worry BUT and I'm worried about the "but" it would give you some piece of mind because obviously your going to be worried too and you can still be supportive

I went through this alot with my ex cancer scares (that were just plain lies) health scares that were exaggerated he admitted he did it to "test my reaction" just in case he really did fall ill he did stop doing it because I said I would leave him while he was healthy if he carries on but after the divorce he went right back to the behaviour

We are happy and open to look at each other's phones.
No probs at all.
In the olden days whole households shared phones.
We actually rarely do look but never hesitate to if need be.
My husband asks me to take messages from the doctor.

Your husband is probably just worried and hearing what he is most open to hear.
Offer to accompany him to further appointments should he be sick. The shock of having cancer rendered me ridiculously unable to comprehend simple information. I always took some one with me.

If you thought he was cheating plenty of MNers would say check his phone for evidence. Don't see how this any different tbh.
Having said that dh and me have open access to each others phones and lap tops, but then we aren't hiding stuff anyway.

I would have done the same thing, and I would talk to him about it. I would say I've listened to the message as I was so worried and the doctor tells you it's nothing to worry about. See how he responds.

I had literally the same situation. The fact I had to go to the cancer wing and then the "breast surgery" center was all that stuck in my mind, despite the appointment being routine. I was too afraid to allow myself to believe it really was OK and routine.

Wow YABU to snoop on his phone like that!! Even if a doctor said “nothing to worry about” in a voicemail to me I would still worry and be an anxious mess until the appointment. They’re hardly going to say “it’s really serious and bad” in a voicemail.

I just can’t believe you listened to his voicemail on his phone about private medical info.