Parter lying about doctor's message

[Houdogni]

This is a bit of a strange one and I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan.

A couple of days after the scan, partner was upset because he had missed a call from the hospital while he was working. They had left a message saying that they wanted to discuss his scan and would call later or the next day.

He has been out of his mind with worry, saying that as the doctor is phoning so soon after the scan, it must be bad news. The hospital didn't call back yesterday and when partner called them, he just got a recorded message.

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news. I should say now, that I have never snooped on his phone before. I've never had any reason to. I just wanted to put my mind at rest or be able to prepare myself for the worst.

The voicemail was saved and the doctor clearly says "I want to talk about your scan. There is nothing to worry about but I'll call you later or tomorrow". Obviously this is great news but my partner had not said anything about the "nothing to worry about" comment.

This morning, I asked if I could listen to the message but he told me he hadn't saved it (lie). He was still going on about how it must definitely bad news so I asked him if the doctor had given any indication at all, as I would've expected him to call again that afternoon if bad news. He said 'no'. So I outright asked if the doctor had said 'don't worry' or anything like that and he said no (lie).

I'm just really confused as to why he's lying. Surely he would want to put my mind at rest by letting me know that the doctor had said that there is nothing to worry about. Part of me wonders if he is secretly enjoying the drama of me worrying that he is seriously ill. Any thoughts please?

YABU - he just wants to be absolutely sure of his results before telling me.
YANBU - it is horrible of him to lie about such a serious matter.

And his dishonesty ?

Maybe he thought he hadn’t.

This
You are over reacting OP

So he thinks he's not saved the message.

Why has he out right lied about the consultant saying it's nothing to worry about

Same as my husband. Not just cancer. Terminal cancer with potentially short prognosis.

I don;t think he is lying. The ‘nothing to worry about’ doesn’t really negate the sense that there may be something ‘wrong’ if they need to speak to you regardless. I would take his anxiety as an indicator that he has rather acute health anxiety - as a loving partner I would be less critical of him and so quick to assume he is ‘lying’, but offer support and maybe encourage him to feel free to talk to you about what is stressing him.

If he is stressed at work, over 40, worried about money, then you may simply be observing a man who is very anxious and not coping with an additional and likely insignificant stressor. Perhaps, once he’s spoke to his GP and been reassured, you could talk to him about his reaction and look into whether he is generally concerned for his health and whether you can help him address this - diet/lifestyle changes as a couple for example.

Men over 40 are prone to higher levels of stress and anxiety and stats show that suicidality and depression are rife.

Perhaps, rather than condemn his for ‘lying’, a more empathetic approach to supporting a loved one is called for?

Why?
There are other, worse things to be "utterly ashamed" about.

Have a bit of compassion.. you say you are out of your mind with worry.. so is he probably! Why are you being so suspicious and hostile of him.. coming on an Internet forum and doing one of the vote choices as "he's horrible to lie about such a serious matter"
How do you know he's actively lying? You sound like you think he's manipulating you on purpose? Do you have reason to believe he'd do thar, where is this coming from?
From where I'm standing it just looks like he may not have known the messaged saved, or it's deleted now.. or he may not have even heard the message himself just saw the missed call and not realised their was a message.. or he did listen to the message but the nothing to worry about part didn't register...
It's odd you've immediately jumped to thinking he's actively lying... that wouldn't have even occurred to me if it were my husband, I'd just think he made a mistake or was stressed and didn't listen properly.
I wouldn't have gone thru his messages in the first place tbh..
Is there some back story here why you would think this about him?
If there isn't I think you are being very unfair and unsupportive here.

I am pleased to report that it is not cancer. The doctor called him while I was out, and he called straightaway to tell me the good news. There is a small medical issue, but it just needs annual monitoring. We are both incredibly relieved.

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments. I am not going to mention the fact I listened to his message. It's not something I have done before or plan on doing again. I guess I will never know why he didn't tell me about the 'nothing to worry about' comment. I'm just looking forward to putting this behind us.

Based on the OP's most recent update he got information that it isn't anything serious just something that needs to be monitored which he told her straight away. So what exactly was he manipulating her to do? She was not at home when he got that call code so he could have said that it was anything, right? If his intent had been to manipulate.

That's right. I think he probably missed the 'don't worry'. My tired anxious brain prompted me to do something I wouldn't normally do (snoop) and I over-thought the situation. I feel very bad for thinking he might have been enjoying the attention but I'm glad I could air this on an anonymous forum (rather than to him or any of our friends) and get it off my chest. Some of the comments were extremely helpful, so thank you.

@steff13 for attention? I'm sorry but what he did is disgusting

So glad it isn't anything beyond annual monitoring. What a relief!

I hope the posters accusing of him being manipulative are ashamed of themselves. edit: apparently not. Disgraceful.

If something similar happens again please speak to him like an adult and don't go snooping. It's so disrespectful.

Great news OP

Maybe take a "watch and wait" approach for now. Don't admit just yet you listened to the message, wait to hear what he says when he does talk to the doctor and if it seems to contradict what you heard, admit it then. And make sure you go to any follow up appointments! Hopefully he's just focussed on the negative, like others are saying

Why would we be ashamed?

This is exactly what a "nothing to be worried about but we need a chat" message is - a minor issue. He lied to OP.

Do you think that one person is obliged to tell another bout their personal medical details? Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want her to know because it’s his information and he gave an excuse. He has a right to privacy, don’t you agree? A right to not have his partner snoop around and listen to his private messages. She knows she did wrong, and then continued to do wrong by not then telling him that she had actually listened to his message.

And she spied on him.

@Soontobe60 he shared everything up to this point, to make OP stressed and anxious. He then lied to her face, to continue her panic.

Glad to hear he’s okay, I think it’s most likely his brain just panicked and didn’t really take in the don’t worry thing or if he’s had a situation of don’t worry in the past that’s actually was something to worry about at a follow up appt. Which I’ve unfortunately had so would be cautious going forward of putting too much faith in don’t worry until a full appt

I can’t imagine in a million years accessing a voicemail left for my DH. How utterly intrusive.

He probably wanted a bit of drama and sympathy while he was waiting for the appt

Exactly