Parter lying about doctor's message

[Houdogni]

This is a bit of a strange one and I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan.

A couple of days after the scan, partner was upset because he had missed a call from the hospital while he was working. They had left a message saying that they wanted to discuss his scan and would call later or the next day.

He has been out of his mind with worry, saying that as the doctor is phoning so soon after the scan, it must be bad news. The hospital didn't call back yesterday and when partner called them, he just got a recorded message.

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news. I should say now, that I have never snooped on his phone before. I've never had any reason to. I just wanted to put my mind at rest or be able to prepare myself for the worst.

The voicemail was saved and the doctor clearly says "I want to talk about your scan. There is nothing to worry about but I'll call you later or tomorrow". Obviously this is great news but my partner had not said anything about the "nothing to worry about" comment.

This morning, I asked if I could listen to the message but he told me he hadn't saved it (lie). He was still going on about how it must definitely bad news so I asked him if the doctor had given any indication at all, as I would've expected him to call again that afternoon if bad news. He said 'no'. So I outright asked if the doctor had said 'don't worry' or anything like that and he said no (lie).

I'm just really confused as to why he's lying. Surely he would want to put my mind at rest by letting me know that the doctor had said that there is nothing to worry about. Part of me wonders if he is secretly enjoying the drama of me worrying that he is seriously ill. Any thoughts please?

YABU - he just wants to be absolutely sure of his results before telling me.
YANBU - it is horrible of him to lie about such a serious matter.

What a nasty response. It's not unbelievable. It's a perfectly understandable thing to do and nothing to be ashamed of. OP was just being sensible in the curcumstances. she states she wanted to prepare herself for bad news.

well he’s lying about having save the message so he must know it’s not something he wants OP to listen to.

could you come clean? You were obviously very worried too and I do understand wanting to wanting to evaluate the message yourself to put your own worry in context.

I think he had built this big drama in his head and didn’t want to let it go but that’s pretty selfish and cruel to leave you scared about it all too. I’d have no respect for him after that to be honest.

I wouldn't think too harshly of him. If he's never been for tests etc before it can be very overwhelming and it's easy to focus on the negative. It's about his mindset. You listened and picked up on it's nothing to worry about. He may just have not heard that bit or, because he's anxious disregarded it. People sometimes think if noone contacts them for ages about a scan or a test result everything is ok because if it's serious they would be in touch right? Therefore if someone does ring it must be catastrophic news. Neither of those things are necessarily true. What he needs is to speak to the doctor or nurse and actually hear nothing to worry about in a conversation. I don't think he's being manipulative unless he is like that anyway. I think he's caught up in anxiety.
I'm not sure about listening to his phone messages but also I'm not sure why he wouldn't let you listen to the message, and infact says there isn't a message, that seems odd. But having a health scare can make you loose all reason. It's happened to me a couple of times and I am literally not myself with fear.

They also wouldn't say nothing to worry about if there was.

My DP had a MRI in October to try find the reason he was having seizures. Someone left a message about him needing to book to discuss results, said the “nothing to worry about” line but when we went to talk about what they found it certainly was “something to worry about”. I’m not even close to being any kind of medical professional but even I could see the scan did not look right, turned out he had a hell if a lot of damage to his left temporal lobe and no one know how or where the damage came from! The women saying nothing to worry about did absolutely zero to calm his nerves, clearly there was something wrong if they had to discuss, and clearly there was something wrong for him to even be sent for the scan!

Cut your dp some slack OP, this is even more stressful for him than it is you! Unless you have reason to believe he’s manipulating you for the attention then that’s a horrid thing to accuse someone stressed about going through a cancer scare of! You shouldn’t have listened to his messages but that’s done now, let him share things with you as he chooses, this is his health not yours.

No excuse for phone snooping, especially when it's to find out confidential health information, and you then went on try catch him out by asking to hear the message!

If I was him I'd still be anxious after the message and be thinking that the scan may be OK but there could still be something wrong if the blood tests were worrying.

This is also how my husband and I are. We open each other's post, read messages if they pop up on each other's phone. I'm surprised how many other relationships aren't like this. I wouldn't think anything of listening to a voicemail on his phone and he would be the same on mine.

I have cancer. I was told over the phone.

Can you offer to go with him for his follow up appointment?

They do though. I’ve been told not worry only to find out it very much is something to worry about.

Utterly ridiculous comment

@Houdogni if he is doubling down and you are not prepared to tell him what you heard, it feels like there will be no resolution until he's actually been to the GP, or spoken to the GP? Is that arranged yet or is he being quiet about when that is?

I agree. ‘Nothing to worry about’ doesn’t mean there’s literally nothing. In my experience, doctors don’t ring to speak to you in person if there’s nothing to discuss.

Whilst I understand your concern, listening to his message was a massive invasion of his privacy and is an outrageous thing to do. You did it for yourself. He’s the one with cancer symptoms.

I hope the news is clarified for you both today.

Your medical history is yours and yours alone.
How you choose to share this, even with a partner/family/friends/MN, is up to you.
IF you choose to share this with your partner/family/friends/MN, you do it on your terms, not because your DP has snooped into your phone and listened to your PRIVATE messages, then broadcast it onto a public forum

Mumsnet Collective posters - You think your husband is having an affair - check his phone/laptop or whatever.

Mumsnet Collective posters - You think your husband is lying about his health and you snooped on his phone? You are disgusting!

Double standards in spades here. 🙄🙄

Oh, get off your high horse.

Yes, and I have said from the beginning that I will come to any appointments. I can't believe that he is deliberately trying to manipulate me because there would be no reason to. It's interesting to hear that those who have been through similar have said that they didn't always hear the more positive news and focused on the negative. As I said before, he can be quite pessimistic. I was just shocked to hear the actual message which seemed to contradict his version of it.

I will not mention the fact I listened to the message (yet) as I don't want him to think he hasn't got my full support (which he has).

To add some other context, he has another unrelated inherited health condition, which is potentially life threatening, and he is very blasé about taking his medication and attending his appointments. He is otherwise very fit and healthy. He has always exercised and eaten well and I think, because of that, he feels he should be immune from illness. Ordinarily, I would expect him to downplay the seriousness of any health concerns. I'm just very confused and worried at the moment.

I was very young when I lost a parent to cancer. Both parents kept me and my siblings in the dark so perhaps I am quite sensitive to the thought of him being secretive about his health.

You were desperate with worry , and people on here are chastizing you for looking at the phone, you did what was necessary as an (a case of needs musty sane person would..I would not have any qualms about doing it myself ( a case of needs must)

He’s catastrophising the situation. He’s only remembered part of the message and probably didn’t realise it’s still available to listen unless he actively deletes this. Just support him as his DP and allow him to ride the emotions as he feels them. There’s no right or wrong way to handle medical news.

Ah @Houdogni sorry to hear about your parent and I can see why you felt the urge to listen. Don’t assume intentions from your husband. It’s a different scenario.

Fingers crossed for good news (or at least not awful news) today.

I have a chronic illness and am part of a big community of people with the same... no joke, people absolutely will milk the hell out of being ill.

Munchausens syndrome is surprisingly common. Not that I'm saying this is what your partner has, although if he is indeed enjoying on some level, seeing you worry and the attention he is receiving because of this. Then, it is along the same lines and it is also feeding his ego.

Did a part of you think that he was not telling you the full story? Does he have previous for telling lies, even small ones?

Or is he normally totally honest?

I'm just wondering if this was a gut feeling that you deep down knew he wasnt being truthful? Or if it's purely coincidental?

I agree with this.

If I was having symptoms and a concerning blood test and then went for a scan for cancer, probably all I'd be able to focus on would be "the dr needs to talk to me, there must be something".

He hasn't given you the full information.

It's possible he doesn't realise the message is saved and has gone into panic mode because all je has taken from the call is that that in itself means bad news, but it's such a serious misinterpretation of the message, which literally says "don't worry" that i can see why you're upset.

You've goven enough informstion to worry you but not the full facts which would reassure you.

So I think you need to ask to hear his messages "for your own peace of mind" that there is "no message" perhaps because yours automated, and see his reaction- does he look like the jig is up when it plays or is he genuinely relieved or still digging in that he didn't know it was saved and prepared to hear some reassurance from you and your interpretation of the message. The latter 2 I would take as genuine. And you need to get a sense now of if he is manipulating you or just a genuine bloke in a panic.

Look at it this way, if I was in his shoes and my partner said let's listen to your messages to be sure there isn't a saved message with more info and he heard that and could talk me down, I'd be pleased because it would feel like new information and a reassuring take on the situation.