Parter lying about doctor's message

[Houdogni]

This is a bit of a strange one and I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it.

My partner has recently had some symptoms which may be an indicator of cancer. He had a blood test, which showed a worrying result so this was followed up by a scan.

A couple of days after the scan, partner was upset because he had missed a call from the hospital while he was working. They had left a message saying that they wanted to discuss his scan and would call later or the next day.

He has been out of his mind with worry, saying that as the doctor is phoning so soon after the scan, it must be bad news. The hospital didn't call back yesterday and when partner called them, he just got a recorded message.

This morning, while partner was still in bed, I spotted his phone, so thought I'd listen to the message to see if I could pick up any clues as to whether it would be good or bad news. I should say now, that I have never snooped on his phone before. I've never had any reason to. I just wanted to put my mind at rest or be able to prepare myself for the worst.

The voicemail was saved and the doctor clearly says "I want to talk about your scan. There is nothing to worry about but I'll call you later or tomorrow". Obviously this is great news but my partner had not said anything about the "nothing to worry about" comment.

This morning, I asked if I could listen to the message but he told me he hadn't saved it (lie). He was still going on about how it must definitely bad news so I asked him if the doctor had given any indication at all, as I would've expected him to call again that afternoon if bad news. He said 'no'. So I outright asked if the doctor had said 'don't worry' or anything like that and he said no (lie).

I'm just really confused as to why he's lying. Surely he would want to put my mind at rest by letting me know that the doctor had said that there is nothing to worry about. Part of me wonders if he is secretly enjoying the drama of me worrying that he is seriously ill. Any thoughts please?

YABU - he just wants to be absolutely sure of his results before telling me.
YANBU - it is horrible of him to lie about such a serious matter.

If you'd have read my posts, you would know I didn't wait until he was asleep before accessing his phone. I was up early and spotted his phone on the side and, on the spur of the moment, decided to listen to the message myself to see if I could gauge a tone from what the consultant said, that might indicate if he had anything to worry about or not. It wasn't something that I had planned to do, and I hadn't even considered that he might be hiding something. I started the thread because I felt confused and thought that others might be able to help.

I have largely ignored the spiteful posts because, quite frankly, they say more about the posters than me or my situation, plus I never get involved in pointless arguing on the Internet.

I'm completely stunned that anyone is saying 'YANBU' and implying that the OP's partner was looking for sympathy/drama. Mumsnet is absolutely fucked in the head sometimes.

OP, it's not OK to listen to someone's messages, particularly medical stuff, under any circumstances, the 'nothing to worry about' part probably didn't really help your partner much when it was included in a message that also said 'We need to discuss your scan tomorrow'.

A long time. Not quite 20 years.

I recently received a voicemail - the first in a very long time. It wasn't until I went back to my phone some time later that I realised it had saved automatically. I hadn't saved it, and would not have been lying had I denied doing so.

I've also just had surgery for cancer. My husband has been supportive throughout, but I would have been horrified if he had snooped on my phone for my private medical information. He respects my privacy; in return, I have been open with him with what has been going on, he has attended appointments with me and we are dealing with this as a team.

Annual monitoring implies something that could turn serious at some point - hence the surveillance.

Or he didn't know it had automatically saved

Agree it doesn't sound very healthy

So glad he got the all clear. I would’ve done the same thing as you, OP. He isn’t a CIA agent and he hasnt signed an official secrets act… you were just checking a message that ultimately concerns both of you. No biggie.

I know MNers love a back story, so sorry to disappoint. Sometimes when tired and anxious people over-react, over-think, jump to conclusions etc. I think I've been very open in this thread, although that seems to have just given certain people a reason to be vicious.

Doctors or anyone just leaving a message say there’s nothing to worry about if they are uncertain about when they are actually going to speak to you. I don’t think this voicemail tells you anything at all.

I work in a job that does have a lot to do with cancer. Everyone handles potential diagnosis differently…some do not want to discuss it, some want every detail…I think in this case your partner isn’t lying. I think he’s scared and only heard part of the message.

A lot of people also don’t discuss news with their spouses until there’s results. Going from personal experience I had a breast cancer scare a couple of years back and told nobody….not even my husband. I wanted all the facts, results etc before I told anyone.

I would let this one slide and just assume he’s anxious about the whole situation.

Exactly! Usually when there’s nothing to worry about they don’t contact you at all.

Trying to get your sympathy?

OP, I really think that alongside the massive relief about the all clear, you could give yourself a break & stop beating yourself up about your so-called 'snooping'. It's not like a letter marked 'private and confidential'. Why should phone messages be super private? I think the people criticising you are being very nasty as well as ridiculous and feeding your irrational guilt. If they wouldn't do the same thing themselves, it's just because they would lack the imagination or interest, not because they are above such behaviour.

my thought also

@SixtySomething If they wouldn't do the same thing themselves, it's just because they would lack the imagination or interest, not because they are above such behaviour

Or (as mentioned above) we are dealing with difficult situations but still think certain principles of behaviour are important

He probably doesn’t want to talk about it until he’s sure.

He may not be lying, he may be completely overwhelmed with worry and have only picked up on the doctor calling so soon rather than the doctor saying don't worry.

I agree with the importance of principles of behaviour but simply don't think messages on one's OH's phone are a great big matter of principle.
I think OP was doing the right thing in trying to prepare herself to support her OH in the best way possible.
Another worthwhile principle is to avoid attacking other people unnecessarily.
Mobile phone messages just are not very far up the scale of principles; it's more an excuse to have a go, IMO,