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Original poster

Husband not making contact for hours when at party

162 replies

Sunnyday123456 · 10/12/2024 23:49

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 10/12/2024 23:52

I wouldn't expect my other half to be completely uncontactable unless it's been planned in advance when there's kids in the house, no.

By all means go out, have a few, have a great time, if you're staying out later than planned just drop me a text and get your own way home - but be available in an emergency and make sure you're fit to parent again the next day.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/12/2024 23:54

If he does this every weekend, then you have a problem. But I think exceptions can be made for the Christmas party. When you say you didn’t know where he was…he was with his colleagues at the work Christmas party. If you’re wondering what he was doing, he was probably getting pissed and having fun. I’d let it go.

Original poster
Sunnyday123456 · 11/12/2024 00:01

It was that he said he was at the activity at 3 in the afternoon and had not mentioned later drinks after so I was thinking he would be back early evening but then no reply until end of the night- I worry that he wasn’t seeming to care to answer phone or reply when I tired - makes me worry if the children were in an emergency I would have no support from him

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 11/12/2024 00:01

It was a Christmas works do - he text you at lunch what's the big deal? My DH would also have been 'surprised' by the scheduled activity - if it doesn't interest him, he doesn't pay attention.

It's bad luck you have a baby with a cold and fussy toddler - it's tiring and annoying but not life threatening. Unless there is a massive back story here and your DH has form for disappearing or cheating with work colleagues you are being unreasonable. Do an Elsa - let it go.

Original poster
Sunnyday123456 · 11/12/2024 00:05

I just feel not replying for 7 hours to any calls or texts asking him to be in touch to update his plan so I knew he would be later whilst he knew I was home with the kids just seems like a real lack of care from him

OP posts:
minipie · 11/12/2024 00:13

I can see both sides on this one

You knew it was his work Christmas do, these usually go on into the evening and involve booze so it’s not like he went totally AWOL, in reality you knew where he was it was just annoying.

However - I’ve been there with a difficult toddler and ill baby and it absolutely sucks. Especially when DH gets to go out and have fun while you are literally left holding the baby. So you have my sympathy.

I suspect what you really need is not so much for him to be contactable but for you to get a good break too. Don’t get angry about his night out but make it fair, as far as possible. Can he take over for most of the weekend and give you a proper rest?

DaftyLass · 11/12/2024 00:18

Did he say if he saw they messages and didn't reply, or was he not aware they came in?
As in, if you had text to say you were on the way to a hospital with the kids, would be have known?

JFDIYOLO · 11/12/2024 00:21

Yeah, the older I get the less surprised I am at the way men behave. I swear some of them have a bit missing when it comes to seeing women and children as human beings with feelings.

It's Christmas, of course there are work things on and he wants/needs to go. That's not the point.

He could have done a quick text saying what he was doing, so at least you knew he wasn't in a ditch somewhere, and could just get on with dinner. He could have checked in on his sick kid - if it's just a cold, its meh but not terrible.

I hope he has a godawful hangover tomorrow and the kids are at top volume first thing in the morning.

When he's recovered, have a calm quiet word with him about respect and consideration in future.

The big questions are - is this repeated standard behaviour for him, or a Christmas one off?

Also - did he drive home drunk?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 11/12/2024 00:23

I think as a one off this is fine. I used to have Xmas do’s like his when DD was 2 and I only worked mornings so DH would take her.

blavflat · 11/12/2024 00:25

Sunnyday123456 · 11/12/2024 00:05

I just feel not replying for 7 hours to any calls or texts asking him to be in touch to update his plan so I knew he would be later whilst he knew I was home with the kids just seems like a real lack of care from him

Then why post? It’s irrelevant what anyone else says, you’ve decided it’s not acceptable behaviour.

NuffSaidSam · 11/12/2024 00:27

He should have sent a message after the activity to say he was staying on into the evening/to see if you needed help.

Beyond that though I think it's fine to be uncontactable occasionally. Before mobile phones everyone was uncontactable unless they were at home/in the office and we all survived. Don't become over reliant on modern tech. You should be able to cope with an emergency by yourself (and I'm sure you can and would have done should one have arisen).

Firawla · 11/12/2024 00:37

Seems like an overreaction. It’s his Christmas party for work, and you already knew he had a work Christmas thing on. Why would you have needed help? There was nothing wrong, a baby with a cold is normal daily life not an emergency so him saying but nothing happened, is totally accurate.
If you keep calling him at work when nothing is wrong, you’re probably gonna have a lower chance of him picking up in an actual emergency do you not think?? Because he’s gonna presume the call is just the usual checking up on him and may ignore it?

Ablondiebutagoody · 11/12/2024 00:38

I really don't get the need that people have for "checking in". I would find it suffocating. He was at a Christmas do and 7 hours really isn't that long.

buttonousmaximous · 11/12/2024 00:38

Did you not discuss when he would be back before he left?

If he planned to come home after the activity he should have let you know he was staying out .

But I never assume a drinking session would be anything other than an all day.

Itisjustmyopinion · 11/12/2024 00:45

With Christmas nights out I think it should be expected that they will get in when they get in. That’s what we do, tell each other to have a nice time and see you whenever you get in

I would never chase DH to ask when he is getting in and he would never do it to me

If this is an every week thing it’s a problem, if it’s a one off then there is no issue

GravyBoatWars · 11/12/2024 00:45

This is not a conversation to have at midnight when one of you is drunk and one has been dealing with a sick baby and toddler. Everyone needs to go to bed because nothing positive is going to happen tonight.

Big picture, I think neither of you are really wrong, you just need to agree on norms for your family that you can both be ok with.Tomorrow in a calm moment apologize if you had a go at him when he came home and tell him that you would have appreciated a text when the 3pm activity became late drinks just so you knew he wouldn't be home for bedtime.

The "what if there was an emergency?" thing is not going to be fair or productive; there wasn't an emergency for him to respond to and you (hopefully) weren't contacting him telling that there was. It's not reasonable for you to complain that he wasn't going to answer if that happened because that's pure assumption.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/12/2024 00:47

He’s a party. Let him enjoy himself. What help would a drunk man be anyway.

DoYouReally · 11/12/2024 00:47

This sort of think has driven me mad with previous partners.

I'm at a Christmas party or I'm out etc. They know where I am approximately. In the unlikely event, anything bad has happened me there's feck all they can do about it anyway.

There's no need for this level of controlling behaviour. How on earth do you think people managed without mobile phones?

JingleB · 11/12/2024 01:45

It's a Christmas do; you knew he was socialising. I think it's reasonable not to be on his phone at all while he's out with work colleagues for an annual party.

It would be a different situation entirely if it were a weekly drinking session while you looked after young children. A Christmas do is a one off. Wanting him to get in touch is fine, but so is him ignoring his phone.

"What if there was an emergency?" - well, he'd be rather drunk I expect, so no use to you anyway.

Are you having a Chriastmas night out too? You should, and you don't need to be checking your phone on your night out either.

BettyBardMacDonald · 11/12/2024 01:48

NuffSaidSam · 11/12/2024 00:27

He should have sent a message after the activity to say he was staying on into the evening/to see if you needed help.

Beyond that though I think it's fine to be uncontactable occasionally. Before mobile phones everyone was uncontactable unless they were at home/in the office and we all survived. Don't become over reliant on modern tech. You should be able to cope with an emergency by yourself (and I'm sure you can and would have done should one have arisen).

This.

I must admit I have disdain for people who need constant contact and support. FFS.

nomoretreats · 11/12/2024 02:00

Sunnyday123456 · 11/12/2024 00:05

I just feel not replying for 7 hours to any calls or texts asking him to be in touch to update his plan so I knew he would be later whilst he knew I was home with the kids just seems like a real lack of care from him

How many times did you actually call or message him? It's his office Xmas party. I wouldn't expect updates from my husband.

TempestTost · 11/12/2024 02:07

NuffSaidSam · 11/12/2024 00:27

He should have sent a message after the activity to say he was staying on into the evening/to see if you needed help.

Beyond that though I think it's fine to be uncontactable occasionally. Before mobile phones everyone was uncontactable unless they were at home/in the office and we all survived. Don't become over reliant on modern tech. You should be able to cope with an emergency by yourself (and I'm sure you can and would have done should one have arisen).

This.

Until about 5 minutes ago people were uncontactable a lot of the time and you just got on with things when problems arose. It's actually quite freeing to realize you can do this.

I don't think this was bad, but I'd suggest that you just tell him you would like to know that if he is out and about he is keeping an eye on any emergency communications, and maybe a heads up about when he's likely to be back. That's pretty reasonable and he'll likely agree if you don't go postal about it. It's a reasonable ask and the kind of thing that just requires a bit of communication.

He may have thought that you had a better idea of the plan, too, it's very common for people to have an unrealistic idea of the extent to which they have shared information.

Frozensun · 11/12/2024 02:26

Heavens, it’s his Christmas party. Sometimes (you included) you just need to unplug for a while. Mobile phones can be a curse. If you ‘needed help’ then because he’s at a once a year function, and barring a medical emergency, you manage the home situation.

M340 · 11/12/2024 08:59

Firawla · 11/12/2024 00:37

Seems like an overreaction. It’s his Christmas party for work, and you already knew he had a work Christmas thing on. Why would you have needed help? There was nothing wrong, a baby with a cold is normal daily life not an emergency so him saying but nothing happened, is totally accurate.
If you keep calling him at work when nothing is wrong, you’re probably gonna have a lower chance of him picking up in an actual emergency do you not think?? Because he’s gonna presume the call is just the usual checking up on him and may ignore it?

Yeah this. I'm always surprised just how many mums can't suddenly cope with their kids on Christmas party work night, every year.

M340 · 11/12/2024 08:59

Ablondiebutagoody · 11/12/2024 00:38

I really don't get the need that people have for "checking in". I would find it suffocating. He was at a Christmas do and 7 hours really isn't that long.

Also this.