Husband not making contact for hours when at party

[Sunnyday123456]

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

The contact he made was early afternoon about an activity which was a couple of hours type of thing then nothing until him leaving at 11pm hence not knowing just vaguely if it would be a late one or not. I go out occasionally but would never not check in to see how the children were especially if unwell or to update a rough time I’d be out until. And if he called me, I would call back.

The OP was probably worried and lumbered with solo parenting without prior agreement.

I know, I'm out this Friday and I'm dreading the check ins and drama already after last time. Vibe already kilked as I know I'll be checking my phone every 30 mins just to make sure I don't leave it too long before I reply 😔

It’s this- one text at 8 to say all good and back later was all I felt was needed

Sounds very suffocating. Of course he was fine. He was at a Christmas do.

I think sometimes, and it can depend on what's going on with work or personal stuff etc. People just forget about adulting. They want to forget. If it's a one off its really not worth getting upset about and dragging it out.

Not sure about men but the women I know - all similar age and we're all perimenopausal - we are just in a bit of a "I'm tiring of thinking about stressful stuff, work, debts, car problems, (maybe an over reliant/on edge DP at times)" rut, and maybe we are a bit selfish at times. I think that's allowed. Being an adult is shit.

OK I don't disagree that one text to update you would have been good but at 7 or 8 when he wasn't back, I would have just thought - oh, it's work party day, there were almost certainly drinks after the afternoon activity - and then carried on with my evening (I wouldn't have expected him back early in the first place either).

It's DP's work drinks tonight and I think he said it ends at 7 or 8, can't remember. I don't really expect him back at a specific time, there's enough food for dinner for both of us, I will eat when I'm hungry and plan for a nice evening in. (If he rolls back in early and interrupts my film, that might put me out more!)

I'm out tomorrow night and I've just told him I've no idea when I'll be back.

Our kids all teens now when we are on crazy nights out no one texts their dhs to “check in”
and if they did everyone would
think it was odd or controlling. Our teens have freer range! Maybe it’s generational and younger parents are like this.

I would've assumed he'd gone for drinks and I'd also probably have asked my dh the day before was he having drinks and did I need to plan him a tea. We are good at communicating so wouldn't have crossed my mind not to just check.

Do you get annoyed when he is out and contact him lots? If you do maybe it's easier for him to ignore you as he's in trouble anyway?

@Oxforddictionary12 "I find it hard to comprehend how people can have such low standards"

I'm so tired of seeing the "low standards" goading trotted out by overly uptight women when faced with women who are happy for their partners to live a little. It's not about respect for you is it, it's about control.

"You can tell him he's lost sex". Sex shouldn't be used as a reward for good behaviour, or withdrawn and used as a weapon for punishing behaviour you don't like. So crass and manipulative.

You clearly don't think you are being unreasonable @Sunnyday123456, so why did you post in AIBU?!

It was his Christmas party. Let it go.

I wouldn't let it ruin your night. Just let any significant other know a rough plan and text if it changes.

Or throw your phone in the lake and leave them hanging. It's your choice. We shouldn't need to consider others because we're adults and christmas parties are more important.

Your child had a cold FFS. What update did he need exactly???

He didn’t just disappear, you knew where he was and what he was doing. If I’m out socialising, I refrain from checking my phone because it’s rude. He was having fun socialising with colleagues and it’s a one off by the sound of things, he isn’t constantly out getting drunk.

I can understand why you’re upset because you were in the crap situation of being stuck at home with small children while he’s having fun and I’ve been there before, it’s just pure resentment and jealousy tbh. Arrange a social event with your friends and let loose.

@Sunnyday123456

good advice here OP! Get a night out arranged with your pals!

He may have been fine but he was only fine because he assumed that his wife would be at home with the children enabling him to stay out and be fine.

Obviously everyone needs to be able to get space and let their hair down from time to time. But it needs to be coordinated with the person you're sharing parenting responsibility with. Different if you've no kids, but once you're a parent you have responsibilities that you share. I think it is disrespectful to assume that op will hold the Fort with the kids for so long with absolutely no prior agreement. That's taking someone for granted. I also find it hard to believe that if op took herself out for a 2pm lunch with mates and still wasn't home by late that evening, that her husband wouldn't be trying to contact her to see what her plans were and if she was OK. These scenarios usually tend to follow the pattern of men heading out and women left holding the baby and there's a reason for that - it's because women are expected to take on the lions share of caring responsibilities and to be able to manage alone. Just look at the number of people on here who have responded to say they'd judge a mother for not being able to cope alone. It's internalised misogyny.

To me it's a respectful consideration that's easy to show your partner by simply messaging to say party is running on, I'm having a good time are you still OK to hold the fort while I stay out? To me that is working as a team with good communication rather than it being a control thing. You're not asking 'permission' from someone, you're just respecting their time and the labour they're putting into your family while you're doing other things and acknowledging their role in that.

The sex part was a joke. But jokes doesn't come across well on mumsnet and I forgot to add an emoji.

I'm not uptight. I just believe in letting a significant other know if I'm going to be late back and vice versa. In my opinion that's just having a basic level of politeness and consideration for others. All the OP wanted was one text to acknowledge he was on a late night, but how dare she infringe a husband's and a parents liberty to be a free person without responsibility. How dare we have any expectations of others.

Enough on this one now. I'm obviously not going to sway your opinion no more than you're going to change mine. We're going to have to agree to disagree. Bid you a good day.

There isn't always a plan. That's the beauty of being a grown adult on a night out 😃

Tbf this is probably more about benign mismatched expectations. Some people might expect their SOs to think about them as soon as something changes and update whereabouts and take it personally when it becomes apparent the other person just didn't think about them for one evening (caveat - imo this really is harmless if the person isn't out doing this all the time), and others are more relaxed and assume alls OK, they are a grown up probably having a good time, no drama if they don't provide key updates.

Probably also about how people see parenting. If someone's the type of parent that requires the other to be on standby and always be grateful for any time they get to themselves facilitated by the other parent then I can see why not updating is a big problem, as that's probably part of the gratitude/proof of being thought about thing.

Also agree with pp I suspect there's also a touch of "I'm stuck in while he/she is out". Which again I'd understand a bit more if it was a frequent thing. But doesn't sound like it is in ops case.

I agree he should have let you know it was a night out rather than just an afternoon thing and then home. But SO not worth falling out over it OP. A bit thoughtless of him but not the end of the world. I'm sure you've had nights where you're enjoying yourself and 5 hours disappear in a flash!

Fair enough @Oxforddictionary12. I think we both agree that it was inconsiderate, we just don't agree on the scale of wrongdoing.

It was a work Christmas party! It would be quite usual to assume it wouldn’t end at 5.30, and that he wouldn’t arrive home in time for dinner, surely?

I think no contact for 7 hours with the children the ages you have would annoy me too.

Why do men think they can do as they please yet women have to think ahead and plan round families?

If you know it’s happening fair enough and you’ve both discussed it.

If you had done this how would he react?

I think he’d not be happy about it. Ask him.

But it wasn't a party - OP has explained it was lunch followed by an afternoon "activity" - that's not a party and I certainly wouldn't assume it was going to go on until 11pm!

I used to have Xmas dos like this though. The ‘activity’ would be dinner at a rooftop place or going on a boat trip then we’d carry on into the night.

And this. I think, is why they do it. It's about control, jealousy and not wanting you to have a good time without them. Set the expectations before you go out. "X is where we are going first but I have no idea what will happen after that or what time I will be home. See you in the morning. I probably won't respond to texts." Then turn phone off