Husband not making contact for hours when at party

[Sunnyday123456]

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

You'd assume that if he was working away, caring for a relative or abroad with friends the OP would have known about it before it happened. The crux of the matter is not that he left her alone for a night, it's that he didn't let her know at least a rough indication of when he'd be back. (Very disrespectful)

I find it hard to comprehend how people can have such low standards as to think that treating someone like this is okay. But each to their own.

I agree.

I think if it’s a one off then it’s fine, if you’d of messaged him saying the babies really ill then he’d of probably replied.
If it’s a common occurrence and he’s not fully pulling his weight around the house or you’re not getting enough free time away from the little ones, then there’s probably a bit of resentment creeping in.

I’ve just read these responses. The only type of party he said was happening was the afternoon event at 3pm with no information of anything afterwards shared with me beforehand. I messaged and called a couple of times to ask if he wanted dinner as from his previous information it seemed it was just the afternoon activity/ if he could let me know rough time home and was met with nothing. I was worried if he was ok and all I was hoping for was a quick text to say he would be back later, to not stay up and that he was ok. I am fully capable of looking after my children single handed my and do most of the time. I just felt upset to have not had a quick text with a brief piece of info so I knew he would be back later and was ok.

my partner does this and it drives me bonkers. Everytime he goes out he disappears for 24 hours. He stays at his mums and just doesn’t bother to get into contact with me. Every single time. I know he is 100% out with the boys, and deff at his mums, he just doesn’t have any consideration that I’d want to hear from him. I never go out at all so he doesn’t ever have it the other way around. We’ve just had our first baby, he did the disappearing act a couple of times while I was pregnant but so far he’s not been out since she arrived. I highly doubt anything will have changed now she’s here.

Honestly op you sound resentful that he's having fun and you're not. What's he like generally? I think you need to explore why you're really so annoyed about it, because he's entitled to let his hair down without having to check in with you, but if you don't get any down time and are always left holding the baby so to speak, then resentment will inevitably build up.

I wouldn't want someone checking in on me and making me feel guilty for going out, but it's hard to say if you or he (or possibly both) are being unreasonable from your limited information. On the surface, it sounds a bit mealy-mouthed to complain about a Christmas party if it's a one off, but if he's regularly like this, that puts a different slant on it.

I wasn’t annoyed at him for going out- just that he didn’t tell me it had turned into a later evening event. A text to say he would be back later than thought was all I needed

You are not in the wrong OP.

Now if you said DH was at a work event all day that finsihed at midnight but complained he didn’t text you I would say YABU. Let him have fun.

If what you are saying is DH said it was an afternoon thing only then stayed out till 11pm with no communication or thought to send a quick “afternoon event was good, heading out for drinks be out late” then I’m sure you’d be OK with that. But he didn’t, didn’t even bother checking his phone to think about your or the kids for 1 second.

I am all for going out and enjoying yourself but as a mother I couldn’t imagine just not texting DH whilst he was at home with our sick kids to let him know I’d be out later. Or to ask how they are doing maybe.

I think what’s done is done, but maybe have some time out with friends soon and have a well deserved break x

Then yes you are defo not being too much.

Is this a one off? If so I can see his side tbh.

I very rarely go out, like once every 18m or so, and rarely really let my hair down. The last time I went out i said i was having just a few drinks, then messaged at about 8pm to say i was having a belting time and I'd gone to a karaoke bar for a few more. I didn't get in til about 3am steaming pissed 🤣 I was having such an unexpectedly good time the first time i checked my phone since about 9pm was to get a taxi and DP had been checking in.

I got similar grief in the morning - he was worried, what if one of the DC needed me and he couldn't possibly manage on his own, what if Thor fired a lightening bolt at the house etc. It felt a bit like the ONE night I'm free of parenting and thinking about adult stuff and stress etc. in 18m and I'm monitored and given shit 🙄

So in all honesty if it's not a frequent thing yabu. And make sure you get to go out too and have fun!!

This is the best response by far! ⬆️

11pm sounds like a completely normal time to get home from a Christmas do.
I don’t know why you would be expecting it to be much earlier really.

It’s 7 hours, he’s not run off with another woman 🤦‍♀️

The difference between your situation and this was you messaged at around 8pm to say you were having a blast and I would be a late one. The OPs husband didn't check in.

He goes out every so often and would usually send a text just so I know his rough plan eg if it would be a late night or not. And so no reply for the whole evening when he had only said about the afternoon event before was worrying and felt dismissive

Its no different. my message also said we were doing an activity and then radio silence from me for nearly 7 hours.

Do you make sure you have evenings out too OP?

@Oxforddictionary12

but why does he need to ‘check in’? It’s a Christmas do it makes sense to expect to to be a late one, I’m sure OP has been to plenty of Christmas dos herself and knows the score.

One communication is better than 0.

It really wouldn't have been dismissive in the unpleasant/deliberate sense I don't think if it's unusual for him to not check in.

It wasn't in mine anyway. Time goes fast when you're drunk and having a great time, especially if its a bit surprising how much youre enjoying it. If he normally does message i really doubt hed have thought "oh must check in but I cba". It's likely it was like me - look at watch one min and it's 8pm and you're about to take the piss out of Jan in Finance singing Agadoo, the next it's 1am and yet another tequila just appears out of nowhere 😬

Tbh, I think if my DP was completely honest, he was hurt and offended that he or the DC didn't really enter my thoughts for one night while I was out.

Because when you're a parent you need to understand that your actions affect others.

He did communicate once. He messaged about the activity.

I think your problem here was referring to it as a 'party' - when it sounds like it was (at least meant to be) a Christmas lunch with work, that he then messaged you to say now included an activity (I'm guessing like axe throwing or some other 'fun activity to do with colleagues'). So not a party, but an afternoon event, that you were expecting him home from after, and didn't recieve anything from him to indicate otherwise.

So in those circumstances, I think it would be worrying to hear nothing at all, and then to not get a reply to a text/phone call.

This type of post makes me want to throw my phone in a lake and return to 1993. Grown adults required to ”check in” when the poor sods are on their Christmas jolly. It’s insane. And controlling.

@Oxforddictionary12

but how did him being out affect others? no harm came to anyone