Husband not making contact for hours when at party

[Sunnyday123456]

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

Unless he had said he would be back as usual or to see dc before bedtime I would assume he would be late. He shouldn't be too drunk to get up and help overnight or in the morning if that is your normal though.

DH has 3 dos. One was 5 hours away Fri to Sun. One Friday night but coming home. One next Friday but stopping over. I don't hear from him. But I'm used to him being away for days / weeks / months.

I hate this constant need to check what someone is doing
My DP has form for this - I explain that I am out, will be back later, and will ring when I am leaving
Every fucking time I get a phone call during the time I am out asking when I will be back. (Yes, I know this is my problem and I should be dealing with it, but that's a different thread!)

He was at a party. Unless he is doing this every night, or even every weekend, let it go. Stop being needy.
If I am out, I am not going to be constantly checking my phone to see if I have a message.

It was his Christmas party. You knew when it started so you must have had some discussion around it. Why did you not discuss finishing times then if you felt you needed to impose a curfew?

You have my sympathies. My husband does this..... goes out with work and then I don't hear from him for hours, whereas when I go out I text him to keep him informed etc. we've been together for 25 years so I now accept he won't change, he goes out and forgets to text but he always comes home x it's easy to lose track of time when out having fun x

I honestly don't understand why some MNers feel the need to respond to someone in a mean way. Where has she said she set a curfew. Just be kind.

I see both sides. He needs to be contactable in case of an emergency. But it wasn’t an emergency and you knew where he was- at work lunch, then an activity and doesn’t take a genius to work out he went for a few drinks afterwards. I would concede that you went OTT trying to contact him but equally there is a problem if you know he’s going to be hard to get hold of should you really need to reach him e.g. sick child needs to go to hospital. I think you owe each an apology and a promise to do things differently next time.

It's absolutley not okay to not let you know a rough idea of plans/when he'd be back. If it had been scheduled with an I'll be back late that night that would have been fine. But inexcusable to be out that long with no letting you know. You can tell him he's lost sex.

Don't listen to the people telling you his behaviour was fine- it's different when you have dependents- it's called being a responsible parent and having respect for your other half.

Meh, he was out at a work thing, hardly the crime of the century. I don’t see why he needs to check in constantly or why you needed to hear from him. What did you want him to say, if he’s back late anyway it makes no difference to you.

I can tell you one of our male staff members , was messaging wife at Xmas do .. lots of jokes about under the thumb . These are not places you see people texting all over the place

It’s my DH’s work Christmas do next week: he’ll be at work until about 2pm then they’re off out til late. Same every year, and I don’t bother to ring him - even if there was an emergency, drunk DH wouldn’t be my first choice for assistance. He doesn’t drink or go out much usually so it’s not an issue.

Broadly speaking, I 100% agree that going to an afternoon event and then just not turning up until midnight, drunk, is not okay.

Having said that, I'd take the view that this is a once off and for some reason work things are always a bit more likely for this to happen, and assuming it really IS just a once off, I'd let it go.

As for being out of reach in an emergency - yeah, annoying, but realistically, there will be many many times over the next 18 years where one or the other of you is simply not available in the case of an emergency. Iv'e had to take DS to A&E with no way to reach DH until hours later, he's had to manage things knowing that if something did happen I'm not there to help... it is what it is.

This is normal for Xmas parties I think. DS had his last weekend it was drinks and music in the office from 3pm and then a meal and on to a bar. He got home at 1am.

DH has his today. Starts mid afternoon with a booked activity and then they usually go out for a curry ( not usually planned or booked they just turn up ) and then a cocktail bar usually . I don't expect him home before 1am and I certainly don't expect a text or a call.

I don't call or text him when I'm out either unless one of the kids is unwell and I want to check in ( he would do this too - DD was taken ill and was at A&E while he was watching one of the England games in a pub this summer and he kept checking in and offered to come home but I declined as no point two of us being stuck waiting at the hospital)

I don't think I've ever given DP a time of when I'd be back if I'm heading out for drinks or a party. These things end when they end. If it's a good party I'm certainly not checking my phone. Sometimes afternoon drinks turn into all-nighters. Sometimes they don't. This is just normal socialising.

I'd find you particularly needy, if he rarely goes out and this a one-off.

If you had text him "Baby X is really ill and an ambulance has been called. Meet us at Y hospital." And he still didn't respond then you have a issue but him just screening and not replying to your repeated calls and texts is unsurprising.

You sound neurotic. Some of us grew up workout mobile phones

I think it’s fine if it’s a once a year thing.

It was a xmas do
These things happen
You didn't have an emergency

Sorry I'd hate constant contact from my oh in those circumstances too

It takes 4 mins to send a text checking in and letting you know when he will be back. Works party or not.

Sorry but you’re being too needy, it was his Xmas works party, he probably didn’t want to be checking his phone. You knew he was going on it, so should have expected him to be home late.

As a one off, I'd let it go. If it was all the time, that's another story

But why?

People never used to be this dependent upon "checking in."

It's a Christmas party, aliens could land and a million things could happen, but it is a party he is a grown adult you don't need to be tied to each other