Husband not making contact for hours when at party

[Sunnyday123456]

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

Really don’t get the constant anxiety of impending doom and disaster nowadays
With the all what if an emergency

honestly just think your pissed off he’s out if it wasn’t the lack of contact it’s be something else

in his head he prob wouldn’t have been thinking about the what ifs at all. I’d let it go but explain in future you’d like him to at least check his phone x

Because it's polite and the decent thing to do especially when there are two little kids at home. That we didn't used to be able to do it doesn't mean we shouldn't now, when it's so convenient to do so. Quick text at 5 o clock to say don't wait up, don't leave me any dinner, are you ok?, surely isn't too much to ask. It's just considerate.

It wouldn't be alright if the OP then demanded he came home or got the hump-unless there was an emergency obvs-but it's fine for her to want to know her DH's rough plan.

If I'm going to be back late or later than I'd said I let DH know and don't think twice about it.

I agree with PP I see both sides. He could and probably should have sent you a quick message - it doesn't take a lot, after all. But at the same time if you've agreed it's a night out for him and you'll take care of the kids, then I could see why and how he got into it and forgot to contact you.

My DH had his Christmas do on Friday and once bedtime was done I ate a whole thing of ice cream and watched titanic with the dog - completely missing my husband's messages checking in to see how we were doing (I was having a great time)! So I guess I was the bad partner there :/

If i am am out for the day or at a party I am not in constant contact so no I don't expect my husband too

Where did I suggest constant contact? . He told her he was going out for lunch, then he told her there was an activity at three, then he didn't get back til 11.
One text to clarify that is reasonable and hardly 'constant contact' is it? It takes literally 30 seconds to send that message.

I think my response was - meh it’s Christmas & you cannot always get phone signals in these places. Also, it is SO easy to lose track of time when you’re having fun. And that sometimes it’s nice to be spontaneous.

And I still think all of this, but when you have young children at home you have to be more responsible. He would’ve presumably known you didn’t have plans so the children were accounted for, but he should’ve added to say not sure what time I’ll be home, or it’ll be a late one etc etc.

As a rule I do always give DP a window of when I think I’ll be back & then provide a mid evening update to say - looking more like x.

I just respect him enough to be honest about my plans, even when they’re last minute. And it’s always 2 mins to text. But m3n just don’t think like this without training, unfortunately.

I completely disagree. Exceptions should not be made. @Moveoverdarlin You might let it go, but it doesn’t necessarily mean others should. The husband’s behaviour is at worst disgusting and disrespectful as well as a wanton disregard for OP and their children. What if OP needed help? How difficult was it for OP’s husband to send a quick message instead of radio silence? And then instead of being apologetic, he’s being rude and dismissive.

He should have dropped a text just to let you know he was staying out late but otherwise he should be able to let his hair down for one night without being tied to the phone or you waiting for him. I would hate that

Surely a parent can manage two kids for an evening without messages of support. Come on.

There's nothing indecent or impolite about focusing on someone other than immediate family for one festive evening or other activity every so often.

I'd hate to be such a millstone round my partner's neck.

This is the problem now with mobile phones. People expect to be in touch all the time. He was probably having a good time and didn't want to be looking at his phone every five minutes.

It's a work party. I'd find it obvious that there'd be drinks after the daytime activity. I'd be more shocked if someone came home sober at 5pm from a work Xmas party. If someone's at a work do and doesn't arrive back at 5pm the dots are not hard to join.

Your title has set people in a certain direction. Of course he should have let you know he was going out drinking. Do the same back to him and he'll quickly see your point

I know.

I'm 61 and have had one "emergency" phone call in my life, when my dad unexpectedly died 20 years ago. Who are all these people who must be messaging constantly and glued to their phones in case "something happens" or "an emergency arises!"??

Is it really that likely? I don't think so.

Exactly this. I miss the time of no mobile phones and expectations that you're constantly contactable and should 'check in'.

You need to agree the norms for nights out. Personally I think it's incredibly draining to not be allowed to cut loose and just be out once in a while. In our house, if one is out, the other is on duty at home and we don't need updates from either side. Yes, your DH should have dropped a text to say plans extended, but it slipped his mind. The rest of it is just you being pissed off that the kids are ill.

@TheaBrandt Please stop gaslighting the OP. All OP’s inconsiderate and not-so-dear husband had do to was message and mention prior anything planned after the afternoon activity. If he could mention the activity after the afternoon lunch, surely he could have mentioned his plans as well? Instead he didn’t respond for 7 hours and was being rude and dismissive. He could even have picked something up on his way home for OP. But instead he decided to indulge in alcoholism and was unfair to OP. OP is not being neurotic for expecting common decency.

I would assume that a work Christmas do that started at lunchtime would go on late into the evening and involve a lot of booze. Unless he's doing this every week I would just let it go OP.

Mine are adults now but I do remember being insanely jealous of DH's work outings when I was stuck at home with tiny kids.

Not having contact for 7 hours is hardly the crime of the century but it is a bit inconsiderate. I'd let it slide if it's a once in a blue moon kind of thing. I wouldn't expect to hear from my DH if he's out with friends/work, I'd just have confidence that as an adult he'll manage to get himself home in one piece as he always has done.

If there's an emergency call the emergency services!

I can see both sides, Maybe he was already pissed by 4pm so couldn't reply 😂 - 7 hours for a work Christmas do is tame - ours starts at 2pm and people have been know to be out till 4am the next day - OP, if this is a one off - let it slide, if there is a back story where he does this every weekend, thats a different issue.

alcoholism 😂.. got to love this place.

I think the amount of time he was out and the lack of contact is ok for occasional events BUT I would have expected him to tell me in advance that he was going out, then I wouldn't have been trying to contact him.

I think this depends on what information OP was given on the first place. If this work do was only described as a lunch and an afternoon activity, yes, I'd start to be concerned when he wasn't home by 8 or 9. But if it was clear that the evening was involved, no, I wouldn't be 'checking in'.

He wasn’t unreasonable to stay out till 11. He was unreasonable to not let you know.

I know a lot of people find it disconcerting that i dont answer my phone when I am out with friends and family.

Have had friends that i had to warn, read had.