Husband not making contact for hours when at party

[Sunnyday123456]

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

He could even have picked something up on his way home for OP. But instead he decided to indulge in alcoholism

Well yes, he could have picked something up for OP. Or volunteered his time at a local food bank. Or run a marathon for an animal shelter. But like most normal people, he went to his work Christmas party and had a drink 😂

instead he decided to indulge in alcoholism

He went to a Christmas party! This place is insane sometimes.

I don't think I am obsessive about staying in contact at all, but I'd expect my husband to let me know if he was likely to be out for the evening (and we don't have small kids at home any more). I'd be fine if he'd just said in advance that he wasn't sure how long things were going on for and it could be late-ish. But if he'd originally told me it was a lunchtime do and given no indication that it might be any later than a normal work day then I wouldn't be thrilled if rocked up at 11pm having missed dinner (never mind childcare). It wouldn't be a major issue, but it wouldn't be how we normally operate.

Yes, if your need to have fun and get drunk precedes any notion of common decency because it’s such a faff to send a quick message to communicate. If you come home drunk and are useless the next day because you’re hungover just so your other half does everything. When you have so little to no regard of your spouse’s feelings because you don’t want to be seen as under someone’s thumb. When you are being rude and belligerent instead of apologetic after going awol for 7 hours leaving behind children who are unwell whilst one person does all the legwork without a word of appreciation. Just because you need to drink for hours on end then, yes, alcoholism is the right word.

If the situation was reversed, would he be checking in on you and wanting updates? If he would, YANBU about the double standards. Assuming he's not one of these ridiculous Dads who can't cope with looking after the kids on his own for the day, I don't think what he's done is too terrible as a one off.

Your baby is not ill. He has a cold. Tantrums are normal with toddlers. Your DH shouldn’t need to contact you during a work Christmas party. I sometimes wonder how anyone survives.

Of all the days of the year, Christmas party day is one where I wouldn't expect dh home until the end of public transport for the night. He normally says he'll leave early, he normally does, but I think he should have the ability to carry on chatting with people if the opportunity arises. I am not his mother, and he's a grown adult capable of looking after himself. I don't need check-ins unless he was going to be out late-late / overnight and I'd be wanting to lock up and go to bed.

I think this is reasonable, but I guess to me "work Xmas do" implicitly contains "out for the evening" whether the official bit is in work hours or not. I'd certainly just assume anyone out for a work Xmas lunch would still be going well into the evening, unless they specifically told me they'd be home early (and even then I don't think I'd believe it).

I'm normally someone who thinks people should update their partner on plans if they change - but he was back at 11, so it's not as though he was missing after pub closing time. You knew it was his Christmas do, and I'm sure you'd have told us if this was a regular thing, and so as a one-off I'd have not been worried

And if anything had happened with the children, I'm sure you would have coped. Plenty of parents do on a permanent basis.

I would have had a problem if he'd stayed out after pub closing without a check-in, as I'd have been worried about him - but it seems like you were only worried for yourself and annoyed at him.

I never had a problem with dong the childcare when the ex-H had a hangover and vice versa. Neither of us went out much, and it sounds like the same is true of your DH, OP, otherwise there wouldn't be this panic of him not being home to help you with the kids.

Stop using words you don't know the meaning of.

Gaslighting is a pattern of abusive behaviour, not a single internet post.
Alcoholism is an addiction, not one evening out on the pop.

Core characteristics of neuroticism include overthinking and catastrophising, worrying about worst case scenarios. Which is exactly what OP jumped to.

@museumum OP isn’t asking about you. Her husband didn’t mention a party, just an activity at 3PM so has not communicated his plans at all. I’m sure if her husband had communicated his plans, then she might not have been expecting him to contact her. As he hadn’t told her anything, it would have been nice for her husband to check in and let her know or at least apologise, when he got home, for not communicating his plans or even better given her a break after being out the whole day. If he’s too drunk to help, he can’t be expected to sleep-in again unless he is happy to go to work hungover so he clearly can’t have been that drunk to offer some help. Giving OP a break during the weekend is something he should be doing on a regular basis and not just this weekend to make up for his actions.

I think our opinions have collided before.

Nowhere has the OP indicated they are not okay with their husband having a night out. The issue that you have missed is that he didn't let her know beforehand or give any heads up that he'd be out for that long. Common curteosy. She did not require constant or even regular messages, just one.

Of course she can manage the children for one night- (although can I add that it NOT easy when they're that young) Your comment on this and declaring them a millstone comes across as rude and abrasive.

The OP hasn't said most of that! Talk about over egg the pudding.

If there was an emergency, you phone 999 - it does not take 2 people to do that. You then accompany the ill child in the ambulance taking the other child with you.
If you are lucky you have a family member / friend / neighbour to look after other child. I looked after a neighbour's 4 children at midnight once whilst neighbour went in ambulance with the partner.

Than you send a text to your husband saying that child is on route to hospital in ambulance and you will meet him there / update him later with more info.

@KnigCnut Stop using words that you don’t know the meaning of. When @TheaBrandt call OP neurotic, it’s as though OP is being manipulated to feel that she has been in the wrong as though her feelings are not valid because according to you, OP possesses the core characteristics of neuroticism.

A text to say that they were going out for drinks and it's going to be later than originally planned would be considerate.
But in the absence of that it's not a wild leap of imagination that the socialising has gained momentum and its going to be later. As time goes on, texting becomes less likely, so letting you know early on is the most practical answer.

As to what if an emergency happens? You deal with it. When DH was working abroad and my 3m old started wheezing (it was a heatwave) I called a friend over to mind my 2yo while we went to the hospital. Worst case, the 2yo would have had to come with us.

DH was working on another continent for a fortnight when I got shock news that a young member of my extended family had died suddenly. I ploughed on through the sadness and grief. DH did check in every few days when the timezones were compatible, but I withheld the news for 10 days until he was back as there was nothing he could do and there was nothing to be gained by him worrying about me.

The reality is you know he's out socialising, he's not going to be in a fit state to be helpful if he recieves notice of an emergency anyway, so you either deal with it solo or ask a friend/ neighbour/ relative for help. There's been times that I've helped friends in the early hours when they've called 999 regardless of whether one or both parents were around.

Nowhere has the OP said he was rude or belligerent. Nowhere has she said that he's hungover and unable to do anything today. Nowhere has she said that he didn't message because he didn't want to feel under the thumb. She has never said that this is anything other than a once off at a Christmas party. You're just making things up to justify your overreaction by calling this "indulgence in alcoholism".

The simple answer to this is to do exactly the same, disappear for 7 hours and leave him with a poorly baby and toddler. I bet he’ll love that.

Of course its not fair, but this is what men do. He didnt tell you about the activity, because you wouldn't be happy
But dont worry, be cause when you have your Nursery Mums outing, you too can have a surprise activity cant you??

@Florol

exactly! So long as both parents get equal opportunities to let their hair down, have a break etc I really can’t see what the issue is. Everyone (even parents) are entitled to some fun!

I tend to agree with OP. On one occasion my DH was out at a work do and didn’t give me the heads up about any unusual timing (doesn’t go out very often, usually home by 11ish). I woke up and panicked about 1.30 because he wasn’t home. I was actually really scared. He did come home not long after and had been for a late curry. I don’t consider myself needy at all and we can both manage the kids completely independently. So I think it was a failure of common courtesy. It’s pretty basic to let someone know that might worry about you if your plans will be different from typical in a generally respectful relationship.

That being said it is important for each parent to be confident looking after children at home, including mental plans about how to deal with emergencies. It’s inevitable that crises will come up when partners are somewhere else or unavailable.

Why would he give a shit? By 11pm, they will have been in bed for 4 or 5 hours so dinner, bath, cuddles and a Xmas movie. In fact, just what the OP should have been doing rather than getting aggravated that he was having more fun than her.

How do you think women manage with husbands that work away?

It was the Christmas party, lighten up.

You're using the excuse of a child becoming poorly when really it's resentment that he's enjoying himself.

These threads are always the same. There is always a mum at home with a poorly child coinciding with DHs night out 🙄

I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply

FFS. What would happen if he was working away? Or in hospital with a poorly relative? Or abroad with friends? Or god forbid, if you ever end up as a single mother?

Surely you can get through one night on your own without needing his "help"?

And what would he even be able to do anyway if he was out drinking??? It's not like he could come home and look after young children. Just leave him be. It's a Christmas Do.

Yes, YABU.