Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not making contact for hours when at party

162 replies

Sunnyday123456 · 10/12/2024 23:49

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 11/12/2024 18:24

Once your husband knew he was going out for drinks, then he should have told you. However, did he not tell you because he thought you'd not want him to stay for drinks and insist he came home? Is it possible that again, he deliberately didn't answer his phone because he knew you'd want him to come home and he didn't want too?? Of course it's immature and by avoiding the issue, he's made the situation worse. You need to tell him, that if a works Christmas party is going to go past the afternoon and he isn't planning on coming home until late, that's not a problem but he needs to tell you. He also needs to make sure he answers his phone in case there is an emergency and he's able to function the next morning!

ExitPersuedByABruisedEgo · 12/12/2024 11:16

Lavender14 · 11/12/2024 14:11

He may have been fine but he was only fine because he assumed that his wife would be at home with the children enabling him to stay out and be fine.

Obviously everyone needs to be able to get space and let their hair down from time to time. But it needs to be coordinated with the person you're sharing parenting responsibility with. Different if you've no kids, but once you're a parent you have responsibilities that you share. I think it is disrespectful to assume that op will hold the Fort with the kids for so long with absolutely no prior agreement. That's taking someone for granted. I also find it hard to believe that if op took herself out for a 2pm lunch with mates and still wasn't home by late that evening, that her husband wouldn't be trying to contact her to see what her plans were and if she was OK. These scenarios usually tend to follow the pattern of men heading out and women left holding the baby and there's a reason for that - it's because women are expected to take on the lions share of caring responsibilities and to be able to manage alone. Just look at the number of people on here who have responded to say they'd judge a mother for not being able to cope alone. It's internalised misogyny.

To me it's a respectful consideration that's easy to show your partner by simply messaging to say party is running on, I'm having a good time are you still OK to hold the fort while I stay out? To me that is working as a team with good communication rather than it being a control thing. You're not asking 'permission' from someone, you're just respecting their time and the labour they're putting into your family while you're doing other things and acknowledging their role in that.

Show quote history

Exactly. You hit the nail on the head. It reeks of one rule for thee and another for me. Internalised misogyny has unfortunately been normalised. A lot of posters were also saying that they too would do the same if they were in OP’s husband’s shoes, and it just made me think that there clearly needs to be communication and mutual respect, especially if you’re parenting then you’d expect to be working as a team instead of leaving one person to hold down the fort.

SweetnsourNZ · 15/12/2024 09:26

I don't think your husband did anything wrong although a quick text may have eased your mind. You are probably feeling tired and frustrated and we have all been there. Have a talk when you feel calmer, take the blame out of the conversation, and set some guidelines for future.

Miyagi99 · 15/12/2024 10:18

I wouldn’t expect contact if I knew he was going out and if the activity was axe throwing or something I wouldn’t want him distracted by texts 😂

katenutzs · 15/12/2024 11:45

You sound precious, didnt knowwherehe was ... as you said he was at his works Christmas do. Sad he just cant enjoy it

BuildbyNumbere · 15/12/2024 12:16

Maybe he didn’t want to speak to you as he knew you would be moaning about him going out for drinks after.

SwingasanPsychologist · 15/12/2024 17:17

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be able to stay out late getting drunk, with my work colleagues (not real friends) of all people, knowing my baby was ill at home. I’d be looking for every excuse to leave early, and just straight-up tell people I have a sick child. They would understand. But then again, I am also a woman.

Welshmonster · 15/12/2024 17:28

Are you always messaging him about where he is etc as it can be annoying when you are with other adults and someone is constantly texting wanting updates.

he should have said that he was fine and it’s turned into an evening bash and he’ll be back later so you knew not to be worried he was in hospital.

sounds like you had a shit evening at home but nothing did happen. You can’t live your life with what if something happened.

if something did happen that was serious and involved hospital etc and he wasn’t answering then you would contact someone else to tell him. This is why my husband has my boss number for emergency use only. We did this after my work office didn’t pass on the message that he was having a heart attack and being blue lighted to hospital and I carried on teaching all day leaving him to sort out childcare for kid etc as mobile phones not allowed at school. After this I bought a smart watch so I would get a text message at least.

Emmz1510 · 15/12/2024 21:33

Yes he should absolutely have let you know of what was happening after the afternoon activity. But what Christmas Day/night out ends at that time of day? I think you were perhaps a little naive to think there wouldn’t be drinks etc afterwards. However it wouldn’t have hurt him to let you know and he should have. My OH has an annoying habit of not taking his keys out since I don’t like going to bed with the door unlocked I have to wait up for him.

I don’t think I would expect my OH to be contactable during a social evening out. I mean, the chances of anything happening are miniscule. And if he’d been drinking he wouldn’t be much use in a crisis. It’s not like he would have been particularly helpful with the baby and toddler and parents do have to cope on their own sometimes. Just make sure you are getting out and having social time too and it’s not all one sided.

Hollybobs1 · 16/12/2024 10:46

He was at a works party. Let the man enjoy himself. You sound suffocating tbh

luckylavender · 16/12/2024 10:57

Sunnyday123456 · 10/12/2024 23:49

My husband had his work party today- they had afternoon lunch and then an activity which he text me to say they were doing at 3 in the afternoon - no mention prior to this of anything planned after the afternoon activity. I then tried to contact him to ask his plan and didn’t get a reply for 7 hours until 11 when he replied he was on his way home, drunk. I was looking after a baby who is ill with cold and toddler tantruming at home, not knowing where he was or what his plan was and not having a reply for 7 hours. I tried to contact him to ask what to his plan was or rough time home and was met with no reply. This feels so not ok for him to not consider checking in or considering to share his plan until leaving 7 hours since last making contact. I worry if I had needed help with the baby or toddler he just doesn’t answer or reply but he just says ‘but nothing happened did it’, there may be a time when this is not the case and he would only be there for us when he feels like picking up his phone. Do you think this is fair?

Do you have to contact your husband during his Christmas Party? Why?

CosyLemur · 16/12/2024 15:39

Any works do activity at 3 is obviously going to end in drinks FFS! Get a grip!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread