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AIBU?

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Original poster

His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

189 replies

EvieR · 10/12/2024 23:18

My boyfriend has recently started a musical hobby at his job. He played piano as a child but dropped it long ago. Suddenly he announced he wanted to get back into it.

Around the same time he started talking about violins then his colleague Rachel played violin. Other things she said. I was detecting a bit of mentionitis.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together. Now he's talking passionately about this hobby but not about her anymore. They practice together just the two of them.

As for our relationship, it feels stronger than ever and he told me how happy he is the other day. Outside of this I have no concerns.

Should my reaction to this new hobby and friend just be 'have fun'? Truth is I am a bit jealous. I love him and don't want to lose him.

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 10/12/2024 23:23

Could your sense of "mentionitis" arise from your admitted sense of jealousy? Is it possible that he just has a hobby he's enjoying getting back to and Rachel is just a friend/colleague who also has the same hobby?

In other words, apart from the fact he has a friend/colleague who plays violin as he does, and they enjoy that together, is there any other reason why you think he might be cheating on you?

Mymouseisonfire · 10/12/2024 23:25

Ask to go and watch?
If you don’t trust him then what’s the point of carrying on?

Original poster
EvieR · 10/12/2024 23:28

Elektra1 · 10/12/2024 23:23

Could your sense of "mentionitis" arise from your admitted sense of jealousy? Is it possible that he just has a hobby he's enjoying getting back to and Rachel is just a friend/colleague who also has the same hobby?

In other words, apart from the fact he has a friend/colleague who plays violin as he does, and they enjoy that together, is there any other reason why you think he might be cheating on you?

But he doesn't play violin. And he hasnt played piano for 15 years.

All of a sudden he is gung ho about getting back into the hobby so they can do duets together. Maybe it really is just for himself.

With the mentionitis he was talking about her excitedly a lot but then it stopped.

OP posts:
OnlySlightly · 10/12/2024 23:28

‘They practice together, just the two of them

Are you suggesting they should have arranged to be chaperoned?

Original poster
EvieR · 10/12/2024 23:30

OnlySlightly · 10/12/2024 23:28

‘They practice together, just the two of them

Are you suggesting they should have arranged to be chaperoned?

It all just sounds a bit romantic! The two of them going off to play music together.

I personally don't entertain new one on one friendships with men but no doubt I'm a minority.

OP posts:
GoldsolesLugs · 10/12/2024 23:30

Mymouseisonfire · 10/12/2024 23:25

Ask to go and watch?
If you don’t trust him then what’s the point of carrying on?

Yeah, you should definitely do this! I'm imagining scenes of them lost in musical rapture while OP sits glowering in the corner.

Original poster
EvieR · 10/12/2024 23:30

Also he has a type (redheads=me). So is this woman.

I know I'm likely being ridiculous.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 10/12/2024 23:32

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. He was talking about her a lot and then he stopped even though he was still seeing her. That has happened to me with three different boyfriends and in each case an emotional and then a physical affair started.

Alalalala · 10/12/2024 23:33

You’re not being ridiculous at all. They are making music together and she’s his type. He’s very probably attracted to her and his current vibe of happiness might be due to the buzz this is giving him.

Sorry OP I think you’re right to be concerned. Talk to him about it. Talk to him about boundaries.

GoldsolesLugs · 10/12/2024 23:35

Alalalala · 10/12/2024 23:33

You’re not being ridiculous at all. They are making music together and she’s his type. He’s very probably attracted to her and his current vibe of happiness might be due to the buzz this is giving him.

Sorry OP I think you’re right to be concerned. Talk to him about it. Talk to him about boundaries.

Yes, they are literally making music together! How very dare they!

Original poster
EvieR · 10/12/2024 23:35

@healthybychristmas I've been cheated on before too. I think in that case I knew deep down the guy was not great.

With my current boyfriend I think he's a good man. I don't think he would intentionally hurt me.

I honestly can't see any way to broach it without looking very jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvieR · 10/12/2024 23:37

@Alalalala yeah I didn't mean he has been happy, I mean we have been happy as a couple.

We've just spent the weekend with both our parents doing Christmas things and a further break just us. I feel the relationship is going well and I worry he's putting himself in a situation where he might develop feelings for someone else.

OP posts:
BESTAUNTB · 10/12/2024 23:43

I’m usually a bit wary about new opposite-sex friends appearing out of the blue (assuming heterosexuality), but for some reason this case strikes me as unsuspicious. You don’t have any other reasons for concern and you mention that you can be jealous at times. I think it seems ok.

Whathappensnowplease · 11/12/2024 00:14

I think.you are right to be worried OP.

The fact he has resurrected a hobby after many years of not doing it at the very time a new and attractive woman comes into his life is a bit suspect .

And actually playing duets together requires very much being on the same wave length mentally and emotionally so it is very likely to nuture closeness between them.

I agree with the pp who suggests you ask to watch them.play together. Because seeing them together doing their shared hobby will give you the chance to see what the vibe is between them.

InSpainTheRain · 11/12/2024 00:18

You are right to be worried. I would say you meet up with both of them - go for coffee or pizza.

Original poster
EvieR · 11/12/2024 00:19

@Whathappensnowplease this is my concern, that it will nurture closeness. It's not the same as other sports or group hobbies like I do, in my opinion.

However I can't see any good excuse to go and watch them. They do these sessions between classes at work - they both teach. I also work so it doesn't suit.

I would like to think my partner isnt putting himself in situations that threaten our relationship.

OP posts:
CatFlautist · 11/12/2024 00:24

There’s not much you can do about it but I would be wary if it were me. You’re right to feel uneasy but it’s all pretty vague at this point. These situations are dangerous because this is how emotional and then physical affairs begin. They don’t go into it thinking, ‘I’m going to start cheating’. It happens incrementally.

Original poster
EvieR · 11/12/2024 00:26

If anyone has any advice on how I can sound this out somehow without actually going to watch them I'd be grateful!

I'm hoping to settle down with him and this development makes me anxious. I know I can't control his actions. I just hope he isn't naive about his motivations here @CatFlautist

OP posts:
Original poster
EvieR · 11/12/2024 00:28

I actually can't ever imagine him physically cheating.

But a strong emotional connection with another woman could still pose a problem. And I don't know what her feelings are.

OP posts:
BibbityBobbityToo · 11/12/2024 00:31

Is she younger than you and happy go lucky child free?

The sudden stop of the metionitis would make me suspicious he's become aware of it and he's being more careful now. Why wouldn't he mention her if they are meeting 'to make beautiful music together'. (Not totally convinced about this thread!)

JustTalkToThem · 11/12/2024 00:33

I’d just tell him it’s making you feel a little jealous, but you love him and want him to enjoy his time. Ask him to be thoughtful about communicating with you about it and her and that you’re really excited to hear them perform.

so … talk to him…

Original poster
EvieR · 11/12/2024 00:36

@BibbityBobbityToo I don't know for sure how old she is but from a small internet stalk on their world website I'd say she's in her 40s and we're early 30s.

He told me he had been going to practice music and how happy it was making him, but never mentioned she was there.

I have to be honest - from what he's said she's clearly a professional and I question her motivation for being so keen to play with him when he's 15 years out of practice. According to him she suggested it.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvieR · 11/12/2024 00:37

I also don't think it's going to serve me well if I start acting crazy while this cool and talented woman is on the sidelines.

@JustTalkToThem we are a close couple, so I do feel like telling him I'm a bit jealous. Just not sure if I should!

OP posts:
p1l1l · 11/12/2024 00:38

EvieR · 11/12/2024 00:28

I actually can't ever imagine him physically cheating.

But a strong emotional connection with another woman could still pose a problem. And I don't know what her feelings are.

Edited

Well, lots of people who get cheated on think their husband would have been the last person in the world to have done such a thing.

The point is, he’s putting himself in a 1:1 situation having private fun with this woman on a regular basis. By doing this, he is risking things getting inappropriate. I do also think that he should have spoken with you about the situation. Maybe he is naive. Maybe he’s already cheating. But it absolutely needs a conversation.

p1l1l · 11/12/2024 00:39

You don’t have to come at it from a jealous perspective. Relationships are critically important and they need nurturing and protecting.