His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

[EvieR]

My boyfriend has recently started a musical hobby at his job. He played piano as a child but dropped it long ago. Suddenly he announced he wanted to get back into it.

Around the same time he started talking about violins then his colleague Rachel played violin. Other things she said. I was detecting a bit of mentionitis.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together. Now he's talking passionately about this hobby but not about her anymore. They practice together just the two of them.

As for our relationship, it feels stronger than ever and he told me how happy he is the other day. Outside of this I have no concerns.

Should my reaction to this new hobby and friend just be 'have fun'? Truth is I am a bit jealous. I love him and don't want to lose him.

A couple of teachers playing music in a classroom between lessons once a week? Is that it? Sounds fine to me. What are you proposing to do? Ban him? That would be way OTT.

I think this is how he will view it, rather than me approaching it that way.

It's going to continue into 2025 so clearly set to continue. I completely agree relationships need to be protected and nurtured. I do this and I don't really want to have to tell him, a grown man, that he should be doing this.

This could be all it is.

Probably worth biding my time and seeing how it unfolds over the next month or so.

Yes I agree that the fact he failed to mention that he was practising with her is strange . It sounds as though he is aware that there is a degree of inappropriateness in them spending this private time with her.
Can you suggest that you and your partner ask her for a meal or similar so that you can get to know her? If you engineered a social meet up then you could see them together. Has she got a partner you could invite with her?

I wouldn’t worry too much that he’s going astray.

I played violin for 9 years at school (no music prodigy by any means by the way). I very much enjoyed playing whether alone or in a duet, quartet or orchestra. Over 20 years later, I still think about that feeling I got from playing music and performing. I think playing again would be uplifting. I would pursue this as a hobby if there was a convenient time between working, DH and DC. It doesn’t mean an instant love affair with whoever else is playing music at that time and I would be unhappy if my DH was thinking I’m playing music to get laid, making eyes at the guy playing the cello.

It is a lovely hobby. There is a buzz from playing music and I think this is why it seems this woman is topic of the month, but really is about the music I would say, over an attraction.

I think it’s okay to have a conversation about how you’re feeling. You don’t need to make any demands that he changes his behaviour, he’s not done anything wrong necessarily, but it is a bit of a grey area situation where some people would be more comfortable with it than others. It’s healthy to talk about boundaries with your partner and see if you’re on the same page about different situations.

If he’s a good, understanding partner he will care enough to hear your concerns. It doesn’t need to be an argument, it might just be a case of him being aware and giving you a little extra reassurance.

What grade did he play to? With zero practice for 15 years it’s unlikely that he’ll be able to just get back into it and be able to play pieces by himself never mind with someone else unless he was really fluent and is practicing at home too. Otherwise it’ll be plink plonk and chatting - if he’s serious about playing again I’d expect him to be doing some at home too

Is she attractive?

If so, yes, you've got a problem

Jesus. It’s like they let 15 year olds post on here. This is the silliest comment I’ve seen in a long time.

Relationships might need nurturing but so do individual pursuits and a person’s autonomy within a relationship. If you’re not musical you might not understand the buzz and the joy from playing - yes, even if he’s out of practice, and yes it can be picked up again and improved with practice. I also personally don’t believe “a strong emotional connection with a woman” is inherently problematic - emotional doesn’t have to mean romantic. Personally I want strong emotional connections with my friends and for my partner to enjoy the same, regardless of their sex. If you were to broach this with him I think it would have to be from the perspective of your feelings just to talk them through, because he isn’t doing anything wrong by his actions. As a PP said it’s literally 2 teachers having a play between lessons.

I’ve not read the entire post, sorry.

What grade piano did he get to as a child? If he got to g7 or g8 then it’s feasible he’d be able to accompany a violinist of any grade. (Tbh, some of the accompaniments for easier violin pieces are harder for the pianist!)

Anything lower, or if it’s a long time since he played, I’d expect to be seeing him putting in practice hours on the piano every day to learn his part. Is he practicing at home?

@Ratisshortforratthew I agree that individual pursuits are important. When he told me I was outwardly supportive but felt a bit worried. I want to support him too.

I actually do understand because I also used to play piano.

He isn't practising at home at all so far.

Yes at the moment it is just playing between lessons but she has invited him and another colleague over to her place so definitely scope for this to grow outside of work. Not inherently an issue if just friendship.

I suspect that he, a grown man, doesn’t think that practicing an instrument between lessons is in any way not ‘nurturing and protecting’ your relationship.

You’re being a bit nuts. And, MN being MN, there will be people on here feeding your anxiety, validating your feelings of jealousy and urging you to do things that will ruin your relationship. Hopefully, you won’t listen to them.

I don't agree with you here. I didn't play one of my instruments for 21 years, then started back up again by joining an orchestra (once a week), it really didn't take long at all to get back into it, playing pieces from the off. And I'm too lazy to practice at home.

ETA I was only a lower grade on that instrument too and within a short time, I managed to be playing music a couple of grades higher, and I'm certainly not great at that particular instrument!

Honestly, at the start of your post, I did think it sounded a bit iffy. But after reading this bit, I do think this could be entirely innocent!

I took up an instrument that I hadn't played in 21yrs and it really did fill be with excitement and happiness! It became quite a big thing for me at the time.

I personally don't see why her motivation should be questioned, it's very normal for musicians to encourage rusty players to get back into it. I was given so much encouragement when I restarted by the others I was playing with, it was really uplifting. Then I started practising with a really good player (a male), and we both really enjoyed practising together and him helping me improve. It was great, and completely platonic. We're still good friends 6 yrs later, despite neither of us playing at the moment!

I think you need to talk to him. Maybe something along the lines of ‘you seem to really be enjoying spending time with this person. If this is turning into something else you need to let me know.’ Hopefully it starts a conversation.

I find it all suspicious.

All of a sudden he wants to pick up this hobby again.....? Very "coincidental ". I would think he isn't talking about her much because he has been spending time with her now.

Visiting a colleague’s house if a friendship is developing isn’t an issue. I mean, sure, maybe he could develop feelings but that could happen to any of us, with anyone. You can’t go through life avoiding any situation that might have the slightest potential for romantic feelings to arise.

I know when I meet a new person that I like platonically I enjoy hanging out with them and getting to know them because of who they are and what we have in common. It wouldn’t really cross my mind that feelings could develop. But even if they did, surely what matters is what one does with that feeling? Everyone will fancy people outside their relationship at some point. People in happy monogamous relationships should have enough sense to recognise it and decide not to act on it. Of course people cheat, but in my opinion a key quality in a partner is that I could trust them to take the right course of action should that situation arise. And if I choose to trust someone that means giving them freedom to conduct their friendships however they like and expecting the same in return.

Just ask him if there is anything you should be worried about in a non accusatory way. If there is nothing going on he really won’t be bothered by that question because it is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask.

If he isn’t practising outside of the sessions then I would be less concerned. If he had a crush on her he would probably want to impress her with his musical prowess and be practising quite a bit.

Agreed. This entire threat, and some of the replies are unhinged.

If you started playing tennis again, with a male friend, do you think your husband reacting like this would be normal? Ffs.

Playing music together is very intimate. I would be a lot more worried about why he stopped mentioning her. I think you should be worried. Xx

I assumed at first that he was going round her house to play duets with her and understood why that could make you feel jealous and insecure.

But the update that they are teachers, practising at school in between lessons? I can't think of anything less romantic. I now think you're being a bit daft to worry about it.

This could be all him. What do you know about her? Does she have a partner? He might gave rekindled his love of music and developed a bit of a crush. Doesn't mean it is reciprocated at all.

People who are saying (or implying) you have nothing to be concerned about are foolish. Music (like dancing) is a very powerful and intimate hobby.

I would be questioning why he didn't mention he was practicing with her? That's a big red flag imo.

You are conflicted because he is loving this pastime, yet you can also see the potential of them becoming close because of it. You are right to be concerned OP, what you 'do' about it is another issue.

I wouldn't particularly like it. And it would make me a bit suspicious, but like you it's because I've had a bad experience.

I'm very blunt and to the point with my partner and as is he. I would just state I'm not telling you what you can or can't do, but I am telling you that it makes me uncomfortable. What he choses to do there on is up to him, he knows how you feel.