His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

[EvieR]

My boyfriend has recently started a musical hobby at his job. He played piano as a child but dropped it long ago. Suddenly he announced he wanted to get back into it.

Around the same time he started talking about violins then his colleague Rachel played violin. Other things she said. I was detecting a bit of mentionitis.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together. Now he's talking passionately about this hobby but not about her anymore. They practice together just the two of them.

As for our relationship, it feels stronger than ever and he told me how happy he is the other day. Outside of this I have no concerns.

Should my reaction to this new hobby and friend just be 'have fun'? Truth is I am a bit jealous. I love him and don't want to lose him.

This. All happening, presumably, in a school music room that smells of that traditional honk of teenagers, Lynx Africa and school dinners.

And as someone who took up an instrument in my 40s that I’d last played in my teens, it’s unbelievably frustrating coming up against your own limits, hitting bum notes, thinking ‘I swear my sight reading used to be better than this’ etc. I agree it’s difficult to think of anything less romantic.

Blind trust isn't healthy, nor is it healthy to try and control his interactions. He may or may not have feelings. Even if he does there is, essentially, nothing you can do - there aren't any guarantees in any relationship, there's always a risk of getting hurt.
You need to work on over thinking because, as it is, he's not doing anything inappropriate. If it progresses to a point where he's being inconsiderate of you (eg spending one on one time with her outside of the hobby) then you've every right to raise it.

There maybe nothing going on but unfortunately they’re both in one of my top three professions for affairs.

1 Police
2 Teaching
3 Healthcare

Id ask to watch his progress in an interested way and his reaction will tell you what you need to know!

Hope he’s just found his calling!

Do you think orchestra members are engaged in a massive orgy? “Very intimate” indeed 😂

I 'd be concerned. My OH of 15 years has just left for "the friend". He made friends with a single school mum and neigbour. They'd hang out with the kids (she doesn't work, ex husband pays.) he runs his own company from home so always around. They only met up when I was at work as that was the only days her kids and her were free. She seemed fun, I 'd speak w her too but as she was always busy on my free days, never joined any meet ups. I was pleased he had a friend as he hasn't got any. Fast forward a few months, I start getting paranoid, asked him if anything was going on and he was getting aggressive and denying it. I asked her and she denied anything going on. Eventually found out they had been sleeping together for months. He's been telling her the usual, relationship had been over for years, sexless, etc. Turns out he had all but abandoned the idea of us. He could have choosen to stay and work on us but he didn't. She gave a half hearted apology but they have carried on and still lying about it. They both made a choice, it wasn't accidental. People are horrible, I'm heartbroken and an absolute wreck. I have no appetite, have lost so much weight and very stressed about the future. I want my family back. He is taking our children 50% of the time, I never wanted to be a part-time parent. I want to see my children every day. Now I have to put on a brave face and be excited for them to go. 6 months ago I'd said your situation was fine, now, sadly, I wouldn't. She can go play with someone else but your husband. And don't lose your connection with your husband. Maybe do more fun things together as a couple.

Well, stop shagging cops, teachers and HCPs, then!

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you have described, tbh OP.

I am a musician and it's great to get together with other people and play or rediscover a long lost passion.

I suspect that some of your jealousy is centred around the fact that he can enjoy sharing this passion with her and not with you.

There's nothing wrong with what they are doing.

However, being pragmatic about it, it is also true that affairs (like any relationship) don't start in the bedroom. They start by spending time together, sharing interests, being like minded, developing a bond etc.

Sometimes those connections remain as friendships and sometimes romantic feelings emerge.

I would have a conversation with him about it if you feel able. Because whilst there is nothing to suggest there is anything untoward happening now, you both need to be mindful of safeguarding the relationship going forwards.

don't lose your connection with your husband. Maybe do more fun things together as a couple.

This is the most important thing really.

So it's not even just the two of them?

I find the general obsession with sex on MN very tedious. Every single male-female interaction is automatically viewed through a sexual lens. Most posters refuse to believe that men and women can have any non-romantic, non-sexual bond, whether platonic or in this case artistic.

I have a lot of musician friends and they all jump at the chance of being able to play and create music with someone on a similar wavelength. Two of the most talented people I know - she's a singer and he plays piano and other instruments - ended up making an album and going on tour together, and they describe each other as "musical soulmates". This is not romantic in the slightest (both in long-term relationships with others). That's a really common scenario, too.

Playing tennis isn't a bad comparison. I play tennis at an awkward intermediate level and finding someone you can actually have a decent, competitive match with is bloody hard. DP is a bit too strong for me (so far) but there's a guy I first played in an amateur league match who's a similar level to me, so I prefer playing with him. In MN world this is the slippery slope to a certain affair.

The argument that all affairs begin with innocuous behaviour, thus you should be wary of all innocuous behaviour is so illogical.

Obvious all affairs start from nothing much at all. But the vast majority of male-female one-on-one interactions do not end up as affairs.

Buy yourself an electronic keyboard so you can join in at the get togethers at her house?

Yes, Mn is the most ridiculously sexually-overheated environment, evaluating the most unlikely environments for the potential for two people of the opposite sex to rip each other’s clothes off. It makes me wonder whether many Mners would like Saudi-style laws, where it’s illegal for unrelated men and women to be alone together in an enclosed space, and where hotels and workplaces routinely have male-only and female-only floors.

I love this suggestion. The DH and his violinist colleague are working away at Messiaen’s Theme and Variations for Violin and Piano and the OP is sitting in, repeatedly hitting middle C on her little Casio, like Mr Bean at the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony, and glaring.

This made me laugh out loud. Thank you!

The funny thing is I actually do have a keyboard but I barely play it. So the scene would be exactly like this.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together

This is probably where you started to get a bit bothered - he should have told you he was meeting up with this woman, just the two of them at the time it began. Finding out after, makes it seem like he was hiding it, even if he was (most probably) doing nothing wrong.

Why are you only finding out now?

if he was quite good before then it’s often just the pleasure of playing with someone else.

if she’s 40s wouldn’t she already have a family or be past that whole thing? Not to say it couldn’t happen but it’s not as likely?

I can see your worry though. Strange things can happen.

does he love music? What grade did he get to?

I guess it’s adult activity in an otherwise pretty mundane day. It’s probably quite exciting because it’s for his enjoyment not anyone else’s.

I’ve had three separate men at my house playing duets, one man at a time, no safety in numbers. Never occurred to me that there might be 3 jealous women sat back at home.

Mind, one was a vicar.

if she’s 40s wouldn’t she already have a family or be past that whole thing?

I don’t think OP has anything to worry about, but the ridiculousness of this sentence made me CACKLE! 🤣

Yes, I’m 52, and clearly my sexual life is a dim and distant memory. I have long since hung up a ‘CLOSED DOWN IN PERPETUITY’ sign with an arrow pointing downwards on my belt. 🙄😀

🤣🤣🤣

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together.

Were you aware of this or was it happenning without your knowledge?

I don't think you are being ridiculous at all. Emotional affairs happen, and sometimes they are more obvious to the ones on the outside.

the the that would have got me is that he didn’t come home all excited that he had come across someone to practice music with, and at school!

also, the going round to her house with one other person there … really?

expect the best prepare for the worst, I’d make sure that she met me, so she could see we were a couple in case he’s been diminishing your relationship to her.

from someone 100% trusting whose EXH is now married to a good friend and colleague!

Is there any evidence of increased communication outside of school? Texting her? Making more of an effort on practise days etc?

Could you take the bull by the horn and suggest getting him violin/piano lessons for him? Or for you as well? Ie. Take ownership of this , and make it a hobby you can do together? (It may be telling if he bats this idea down, if he only wants to do it with teacher friend).

Also, can you go with him in the practice session? Invite yourself along, as a couple?

This is how affairs start. I wouldn't be happy at all.