His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

[EvieR]

My boyfriend has recently started a musical hobby at his job. He played piano as a child but dropped it long ago. Suddenly he announced he wanted to get back into it.

Around the same time he started talking about violins then his colleague Rachel played violin. Other things she said. I was detecting a bit of mentionitis.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together. Now he's talking passionately about this hobby but not about her anymore. They practice together just the two of them.

As for our relationship, it feels stronger than ever and he told me how happy he is the other day. Outside of this I have no concerns.

Should my reaction to this new hobby and friend just be 'have fun'? Truth is I am a bit jealous. I love him and don't want to lose him.

Why don’t you ask him to show you what he’s learned? If he’s hopeless, you’ll know he hasn’t been spending the practice time practicing!

I’m only joking but OP I think it’s normal (and exciting at the beginning) to find someone with a common interest. You said she’s a professional? She has probably talked about it in a really engaging way and spurred your husband on to take it up again. She is probably helping him improve and likes having someone at work she can talk to about her interest. I wouldn’t worry about him going to her house with another colleague (her suggesting that actually makes it sound like she is deliberately avoiding anything inappropriate) but if it’s just him and her and you feel uncomfortable I think it’s fair enough to mention it.

@Tumbler2121 he was excited that day but only cited the music as the reason.

@Fireworknight I know where you're coming from but I resent the idea of taking up a hobby he likes as a means of protecting the relationship from this. I have my own hobbies. I'm not saying a definite no.

I haven't noticed him being on his phone more at all. In fact as a couple we've been spending a lot of time together and he doesn't look at it. I assume he must check it briefly before bed or similar.

There's nothing you can do about it really. If you trust him you trust him. If you don't, the relationship is probably not going to work.

That’s not a bad idea actually. Tell him you’ve been delighted for his newfound interest and get him some lessons for Christmas 😂😂😂 He may ramp up the practice time though to support the lessons

I think I'd be blunt but not unkind about it, I'd say I feel a little jealous of the time he's spending with someone else and see how he responds.
Also, I can only speak for the music practice rooms in my secondary school, they are usually cupboards with windows on a main corridor- so it's possible that it's a much less romantic scenario than you're picturing haha

Yes you are, if my husband (or bf) was this jealous, they would be shown the door

It's thoroughly cute.
I would enjoy that so much. Be sure to listen to them sometimes. Do they play for functions?

Book them to play for your home at Christmas.

I do think the conversation about him watching out for if the relationship could ever be heading down the inappropriate path is wise. You can never (and he can never) be sure of what his friend is feeling.
As teachers they would be well educated to never find themselves in a small science back room etc alone with a student. That is best practise so he will understand your concern. Do they welcome other musicians into their space?
I would hope so.

@user1492757084 I don't know if they welcome other musicians into their space. For all I know they could be, or it's just them.

He did say another colleague was thinking about joining them but that it probably wouldn't happen. I remember thinking he doesn't seem to want it to!

Spoiler alert, he would not rather play music with his non-musician wife than with a competent musician colleague. The idea is nuts.

Also two musicians practising or jamming or doing improv or making music together are not going to want someone in the room who's just observing them. That's anathema to any creative person.

@EauNeu I know. I just fear he might be a bit naive and end up going down an unintended path.

I can't control the outcome. And by raising it and looking jealous I also risk looking unsupportive if he is just enjoying his new hobby.

But if they become closer I think I'd want to meet her.

He's practicing with her right now. I'm fine. 😅

This
The fact that he isn't a piano or violin player would worry me

Definitely meet her.
They must sound so good together by now.

Invite her around to play and have nibbles for Chritmas cheer.
I don't think you will feel jealous but more so very proud of the musical talent your DH is developing.

Maybe you'd like to invite him out to a Christmas Carols in a beautiful cathedral. They are amazing with pipe organs and choirs.

But the OP’s husband and his colleagues are two adult members of the teaching staff, not school children. Adults aren’t left alone with individual children in private spaces because of potential risk to the child in a situation with considerable power differential. None of that is relevant to two adult colleagues using a free period to play music together. Even if people are characterising the OP’s DH as a deluded innocent liable to be pounced upon by his cougar fortysomething fellow-teacher while he’s trying to work out a tricky bit of Rachmaninov.

Does your partner not get to have any hobbies or interests of their own? Must you be involved and is it ‘telling’ when/if they don’t want you to be?!

OP, seriously. Please don’t engage with this sort of thing. Herein lies the way to madness.

He’s either the sort to cheat or he isn’t. Short of never being alone with someone of the opposite sex, which would clearly be mad, there isn’t much you can do to insure against possible future feelings developing.

For what it’s worth, I don’t even think having the odd thought that someone else is attractive, or has qualities you like, is a bad, relationship threatening thing. I’m monogamous but not naïve enough to think my partner won’t ever fancy anyone else. As long as he doesn’t act on it, he can be friends with who he likes, and have whatever private thoughts he likes!

Short of never being alone with someone of the opposite sex, which would clearly be mad

I agree but this flies in the face of MN "wisdom" wherein any innocuous interaction with the opposite sex is HOW AFFAIRS START

Absolutely not. It's always the "in work friendships" that you "don't need to worry about" that turn out to actually be something to worry about.

The constant watchfulness and mistrust must be exhausting for these people. You almost wonder why they bother with relationships at all.

not read all replies but when you say they are teachers and meeting between classes - does that mean they are practising on the school premises between classes they teach?

That's right.

Although as I mentioned she has suggested he comes round to hers with another colleague so that may change.

I’d be wary about this too. It’s not the same is it as two existing friends deciding to jam together. It’s a new attractive friend and a weekly private meet-up to make music together. If my DP told me he and X were meeting up in a practice room together I’d want to know exactly what they were practising for ie there’s a purpose to this perhaps getting something together for the Christmas concert. Otherwise basically it’s just a weekly date.

I think some posters are ignoring “the vibe” - I bet OP’s partner has lots of female friends and colleagues and sometimes hangs out with them but THIS is giving her a weird vibe. I’ve only had it once in my life and I was totally right.

I think it's fine on the school premises - they might start getting the kids involved and do some extra curricular with them which would be fantastic - there are not enough children interested in learning an instrument - you should suggest this to him.

I'd be OK him going round if there were a few colleagues.

Yep, women ignore their gut instincts far too often. Or are told they’re not being reasonable to feel that way. But when we feel something is not right, it’s wise to listen to that feeling.