His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

[EvieR]

My boyfriend has recently started a musical hobby at his job. He played piano as a child but dropped it long ago. Suddenly he announced he wanted to get back into it.

Around the same time he started talking about violins then his colleague Rachel played violin. Other things she said. I was detecting a bit of mentionitis.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together. Now he's talking passionately about this hobby but not about her anymore. They practice together just the two of them.

As for our relationship, it feels stronger than ever and he told me how happy he is the other day. Outside of this I have no concerns.

Should my reaction to this new hobby and friend just be 'have fun'? Truth is I am a bit jealous. I love him and don't want to lose him.

The Christmas party will reveal all! Teachers are notorious for letting it all go at the Christmas party!

I played all brass instruments for 20 years and then had no time. I am passionate to pick this up again now I have more time...mind you ai have more time because I'm now divorced 😆. He is obviously enjoying it, I don't think he is necessarily adding more strings to his bow....

Good luck OP, I hope an honest conversation can sort this situation out in a positive way.

The thing is, you say that your relationship is stronger than ever. Either way if it's more sex or more gifts it should be something to be curious about. More sex might mean he fancies her socks off but he's not developed anything beyond friendship with this musical friend but gifts and hugs etc could mean he's guilty/keeping you sweet so he might continue his liaisons. If you're getting the sex and the presents then he's probably fancying her socks off and nothing more and is taking his lust out on you and also treating you out of guilt

Following him or attending the lessons may just backfire if all is platonic. Guys like to have trust and be trusted the same as we do when we say we are having a sleepover with a girlfriend watching movies and wine.*-)

I stayed 3 weeks alone in an air bnb in someone's NY apartment while the usual residents were all home for Christmas. There was a piano, and it felt like the most wonderful thing in the world, I hadn't played since childhood and all these songs I used to know came back to my fingers. It was indeed very romantic, but in a connecting with myself way. I've been treasuring that experience ever since, bought myself an electric piano. I say all this to reassure that BF could really just be very happy to be using that part of his brain again.

So you say they are meeting between lessons - in the school then? If so, it doesn't sound like anything to be concerned about.
Why not suggest he joins a larger music group outside of school.
And why not just admit to him that you're struggling to suppress feelings of jealousy and you have previous experience of someone cheating on you which has stayed with you.

@Active13 they are not music teachers.

I am also curious about how this shared interest was recognized. I knew she played an instrument because he mentioned it during the mentionitis phase.

I think I will ask how they came to practice together. It's a normal question about how it came to be.

Overall, I think I'm probably being a bit paranoid. I don't think he's up to anything, but this is only the start and I feel he's putting himself in a situation that could lead to feelings developing.

I'm happy in the relationship, so for now I'll just keep focusing on that and won't be afraid to mention I'm feeling a bit jealous.

He knows about my past with being cheated on but doesn't necessarily always take it into account.

@EvieR I agree with everything you have mentioned in your recent post. Take things at your own pace, you need to feel ready to question a few things.
However, I work in a secondary school & my daughter is also a teacher. It would be highly unusual for 2 non music members of staff to be playing an instrument together during the school day. An after school music session for all staff who wanted to join would be more plausible.
My suggestion would be to ask how they can practice together whilst being paid to work (in a non judgemental way) & can anyone join in. Maybe it's at lunch time playing session.

I’m sorry Op but I don’t think you’re being paranoid. He’s excited to spend one on one time with a young woman who is exactly his physical type, he has mentionitis and his mood has been boosted recently.

Talk to him about how you feel and discuss boundaries in your relationship.

@Active13 he works at a university rather than a school if that makes a difference.

@Alalalala yes after the first session he said it had 'made his day' although at this point I didn't know he was practicing with another. I did suspect it though.

In the past we've discussed boundaries. I told him I don't spend one on one time with men because I no longer want to while in a relationship. He wants to be able to have female friends and doesn't agree with this approach so it can be a sensitive topic.

I have quite a few male friends that I see in a group setting for a hobby and one childhood friend I see one on one.

@Alalalala
Respectfully, you're an example of the problem here. You immediately jump to the worst conclusion. Here's a bit of your post with my notes:
"He's excited to spend one on one time with a young woman (who is in her forties, ten years older than him) who is exactly his physical type (has red hair) he has mentionitis (contradicting what OP said) and his mood has been boosted recently (OP said, specifically in response to you that "I didn't mean he has been happy, I mean we have been happy as a couple")".

There's a definite cohort on mumsnet who come onto this type of thread and frame the posters' DH's behaviour in the worst possibly light, thus boosting the OP's anxiety. I'm not having a go at you specifically, lots of posters do it. I assume it's coming from a good place. I assume many of these posters have been cheated on and, like recovering alcoholics who see the risks of alcoholism in every casual drinker, see cheating men in every relationship. It's really unhelpful though. The advice is usually to set boundaries (i.e. tell your partner who they can and can't see), while this might work, it's more likely to be counter productive.

I also think that if the only way you can stop your partner cheating is by banning contact with the opposite sex then your relationship isn't worth shit anyway. Either you think (not feel, think) that your fears are valid, in which case get rid as if he's not cheating now then you think that he will in the future, or you think that your feelings are fucking with you, in which case discuss it like adults - but don't lay down the law.

You're going to get a lot of different opinions here - some more chilled than others. At the end of the day, you know your husband and we don't. And women do have a fantastic intuition... If you're worried, talk to him, OP. Be as open as possible and explain you don't want to stop him doing the things he loves, but that you're a bit concerned because of X, Y and Z. See how he reacts... that's usually telling in and of itself. I think communication is key here. Best of luck with it. :)

I told him I don't spend one on one time with men because I no longer want to while in a relationship. He wants to be able to have female friends and doesn't agree with this approach so it can be a sensitive topic.

Sorry OP but this is bonkers. I mean, if that’s a rule you want to impose on yourself then fair enough but you can’t expect your partner to abide by it. There’s no way I’d agree to this if a partner requested it. My friends, male and female, are important to me and I wouldn’t alter how I conduct those friendships for a partner.

It’ll be interesting to see how he is over the Christmas holidays. If he texts her, is a bit absent (thinking about her) or critical about you, then You know you have a problem.

You could argue that even one text is one text too many, unless he texts all his work colleagues ( including hairy Kevin from accounts).