His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

[EvieR]

My boyfriend has recently started a musical hobby at his job. He played piano as a child but dropped it long ago. Suddenly he announced he wanted to get back into it.

Around the same time he started talking about violins then his colleague Rachel played violin. Other things she said. I was detecting a bit of mentionitis.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together. Now he's talking passionately about this hobby but not about her anymore. They practice together just the two of them.

As for our relationship, it feels stronger than ever and he told me how happy he is the other day. Outside of this I have no concerns.

Should my reaction to this new hobby and friend just be 'have fun'? Truth is I am a bit jealous. I love him and don't want to lose him.

By that logic then you're screwed - anyone you date will cheat on you and you can't do anything about it (unless you can monitor them 100% of the time which is unfeasible).Might as well just be celibate or have an open relationship.

Stop adding to OP's anxiety. She's obviously not stupid, but currently hasn't been given cause to think her husband is cheating.

No, I'm just saying that in my experience the vast majority of men who suddenly start to show a remarkable interest in the piano, tennis or amateur dramatics - which by sheer coincidence also happens to be the pursuit of the rather attractive "Jane from Accounts" - should raise suspicions. It's a story older than time and hardly jaw droppingly cynical is it.

Just here to comment on the hilarity that was @ThatTealViewer post - at 48 I'm definitely not 'past that sort of thing' and sorry @EvieR but i definitely like 30something men!

Is she single, that's what you need to know.

I dunno, I'd reckon that if people work together and want to start fucking they'd just do it on the quiet rather than doing amateur dramatics or whatever.

@sommerjade no idea if she is single but my impression is that she probably is from previous descriptions.

I think I'm going to have to trust him and sit on my hands. If it starts to progress outside of work I think that'd when I would have the conversation.

Yes. If someone's going to cheat they're going to cheat. You can't stop them.

You can however make a lovely partner unhappy by controlling their movements and being suspicious all the time.

You could have the conversation with him now in a "this is how we could navigate our emotions going forward" way. He could do stuff to set your mind at ease (e.g. sending you photos of the rehearsals, organizing a social occasion with her or something). I wouldn't accuse him of being naive about his feelings though - more "I feel x, would you be willing to help me with this?".

By "story older than time" do you mean "cliche that doesn't bear any resemblance to reality"? The idea that men only take up hobbies to pursue attractive women is just nonsense.

@GoldsolesLugs that sounds like a very pragmatic approach, thanks 🙂

I'm not saying all men and all hobbies. But it's not uncommon for men who suddenly find pottery riveting (whilst having a simultaneous desire to text a female from that class) to find the contents of her knickers rather more compelling than that of the kiln. It really isn't nonesense.

It begs the question why does he need to bother making up an elaborate story about Rachel, violin playing, etc?

If you aren't married, don't have DC, and possibly don't have a house together yet etc (my assumption), lets be honest here, he's free to head off into the sunset with Rachel if he prefers her that much. The fact he still chooses you as his partner must count for something.

I'd definitely express your misgivings or discomfort about his association with Rachel especially if his meet ups with her, take away from the free time he could be spending with you.

No, not just that but teachers are taught that the other person in an intimate setting could make up stories, fix on the fact of an intimate private time meaning more than it actually does and also be fodder for others witnessing that. Teenagers have vivid imaginations, are prone to crushes and adults need to protect themselves. Op's husband also needs to give a little thought (as he probably has done) to how his music friend could feel, react etc. He has probably rightly assessed that it is merely a music connection.
He, never-the-less, leaves himself vulnerable to possibilities unpredictable if he routinely shuts himself in a small room with a female friend.

Hmm
I wouldn't be doing this regularly at school if I were them. People notice. Rumours start. They'd be far better off if it were a small group of them.

How can you possibly know?

So one way to start a conversation about this is to say 'I know I'm probably being silly, but you don't think X fancies you, do you?' This is a good way of introducing the idea of there being some dynamic without being accusatory, and you can see how it lands, it's also reasonably flattering to him that this lady might fancy him.

Easier to start from there than 'I'm worried you fancy her' even if you do think this. Also, people do occasionally have crushes and fancies and they usually pass. I have had and never done anything remotely dodgy about them, but I do think I wonder from time to time.

I'm all for being alert to new behaviour or obvious signs, but it's not practical or emotionally sensible to start policing people's behaviour as a way of controlling if they have an affair or not, for starters it won't stop them if he has it in his mind to cheat. I do agree that situations can occur, but only if you let them, most sensible people try to get out of that before they start, rather than plunge into them, so if he suggested they go away sharing a room for a music conference, I'd call it then, but meeting up with a colleague and going round her house sounds relatively benign.

I think I'd play my own cards close to my chest at this point, as he may have a crush that will fade away, or you may be insecure myself, I'd say 'have a wonderful time dear' and be very busy, perhaps with your own interesting hobbies and take no notice of what he's up to- I think you will get more signs if there's issues and if it turns out she's a lovely person who is welcoming and there's no issues (which is what happened to me on a couple of occasions when jealousy got the better of me) then you haven't spoiled your own relationship over something that isn't happening anyway.

Others may prefer a much franker and more direct approach!

I have also been in the situation in which my husband was indeed pursued by someone creating situations to get him to help out and get closer and he came to me and said what do I do, so it may be that he's quite keen on the music, you don't know what she's keen on but again, I think no point in upsetting the apple cart right now, it's ok to have a bit of a new passion for a hobby now and again in life, and you can get swept up in it but that doesn't mean he'll cheat if he's not the cheating type of person.

Even if people are characterising the OP’s DH as a deluded innocent liable to be pounced upon by his cougar fortysomething fellow-teacher while he’s trying to work out a tricky bit of Rachmaninov

This made me laugh so much. If it's taking place on school premises, a less romantic setting can not be envisaged. Round her house with a colleague also sounds like completely standard stuff.

You cannot police people into faithfulness.

I don't think you should mention how you feel about this as I don't think there's any positive outcome from doing so.
I do believing in just trusting until proven wrong because the other way round risks throwing away good relationships by being jealous and paranoid.
Yes sometimes the jealousy and paranoia could turn out to be justified but personally I'd rather be a fool who was taken in than someone who ruined a good relationship by being too controlling and jealous.
I don't think you can hang on to cheaters whatever you do anyway. Decent men won't cheat.. they don't get lured away by close friendships with other women because men don't really get lured away.. they make choices. Some men have it in them to be unfaithful and others would never dream of it and it doesn't really matter what steps you take to try and prevent it because at the end of the day it's about them not you.

If you feel left out I do think it's a good idea to get to know this friend. Not too intensely.. you don't need to encroach on thier time together.. but just casually suggest all meeting up sometimes for a coffee or a drink. Or invite her round to dinner.
I think it's totally normal and reasonable to want to know someone who is important to your partner.
I have male friends and my DH has female friends and of course we soebd one on one time with them.. but we also all know each other and spend time together.. and we don't have any secret exclusive friendships that the other has no part in. Of course I have friends I have a closer friendship with than he does.. and he has friends he has a closer friendship with than I do.. and as I said we do spend one on one time with our friends. But we all know each other! We've all done things together..theyve been round for dinner, we've gone on holidays with them etc etc
So I just think it's important that you get to know this friend of his. Also become her friend. I don't know why you think it's odd to want yo see them perform? Have you asked him about this? Perhaps they'd love at some point to show you what they've been working on?
Wouldn't you as a woman expect the partner of a close male friend to want to meet you and get to know you?
I totally would. So why not just invite her to do something some time?

Invite her for dinner to your home. Tell him you want to meet her and hear them play together. How they interact will tell you all you need to know.

I haven’t read all the posts but can see there is plenty of sensible advice on here. I would just say, this scenario struck a chord (pardon the pun) so I would suggest, if you feel vulnerable tell him.
If you mean the world to him he will treat you with respect when you discuss your feelings, not just dismiss them.
Trust your gut, some people are unashamedly manipulative, just because you make friends with them won’t stop them from breaking up your relationship to get what they want. x

Absolutely talk this out with him!

If you're as close as you say you are, communication is key.

Just say about your music lessons, I'm feeling a bit insecure right now, and im concerned about the male/female set up.

You're right; you can't ban him. But you can have a candid open conversation about it.

"If you mean the world to him he will treat you with respect when you discuss your feelings, not just dismiss them."
@Atinybird That is a very good way to put it.

I would say they probably should be!

You should go with your gut.

The fact that the mentionitis suddenly stopped would make me suspicious. Like he is consciously trying to not mention her and make you suspicious.

Could be very innocent, however think about the following:

• Are they music teachers? If not, why the sudden reinterest in playing an instrument & how was the shared interest recognised between them?
• Has he, over the past 15 years ever been interested in musically 'playing ' with a man.
• How do they both have the time? I work in a secondary school.....teachers are so busy, there are not enough hours in the day to fit in teaching, marking, rehearsing, attending staff meetings etc let alone playing an instrument with a colleague.

If music teachers have time between lessons (eg PPA, they are usually planning, marking, practicing with students to help them etc not practicing with other teachers.

I am hoping it's innocent at least on your husband's side.