His new hobby and female friend - be cool?

[EvieR]

My boyfriend has recently started a musical hobby at his job. He played piano as a child but dropped it long ago. Suddenly he announced he wanted to get back into it.

Around the same time he started talking about violins then his colleague Rachel played violin. Other things she said. I was detecting a bit of mentionitis.

It turns out they have met once a week for a month between classes (both teachers) to play together. Now he's talking passionately about this hobby but not about her anymore. They practice together just the two of them.

As for our relationship, it feels stronger than ever and he told me how happy he is the other day. Outside of this I have no concerns.

Should my reaction to this new hobby and friend just be 'have fun'? Truth is I am a bit jealous. I love him and don't want to lose him.

Oh god yes if you say you met someone cool it's mentionitis and if you don't it's secrecy.

I still remember the initial excitement of the early stages of getting to know someone who would become one of my closest (female) friends, and still is over 25 years later. I was completely charmed by her, had not met anyone like her before, and definitely had mentionitis. I’m sure my then DP (now DH) was sick of hearing about her long before he ever met her.

That is adorable!

Music does make people happy. Studies have shown that singing or playing instruments with others has a positive effect on mental health and creates a sense of well-being. I'm surprised that Mumsnetters who are members of choirs or orchestras haven't popped up to reassure you.

I don't see why this couldn't be taken absolutely at face value. Why wouldn't he be filled with enthusiasm after finding a way to mentally reset in the middle of a busy work day?

I'm not particularly possessive or jealous. I think though I would feel uncomfortable with this set up. People do bond over shared interests and after spending time together. Yes, I did play as a child too and that doesn't stop me thinking it might well lead to more given that he is seemingly having his happiest moments his colleague rather than with you. I think I would talk to him.

This is they type of thing I mean. You say "he is seemingly having his happiest moments his colleague" but where does this come from?

You're being naive

I’m being sane.

It's weird that he isn't practising at home. Surely, after not playing for 15 years, he will be very rusty and would want to take any opportunity for practice to get back to his former level of proficiency. This makes me think that it is more about being with this woman than the actual music.

Well, if you'd read Jilly Cooper's Score!, you'd know that orchestra members are pretty much engaged in numerous affairs, if not massive orgies!

@thepariscrimefiles not helping 😀

What, squeaking out Frere Jacques on a violin in a school classroom? Truly the stuff of Mills and Boon....

He didn't mention how the practice went with her this morning.

He's messaging me about other things now as normal. I am probably being silly but I don't think we should all trust blindly OR be too jealous. Surely there's an in between.

In fairness, he plays piano, so more likely to be plinkplonking ‘Für Elise’. But yes, unromantic in the extreme. Anyone who wanted to rip my clothes often hearing my halting efforts on the cello after I took it up again would have had have been wearing noise-cancelling headphones.

I would ask him how practice went, if he wants something to progress with her he will be trying to compartmentalise it.

I would definitely be keeping an eye on it. I have seen many affairs amongst teachers over the years and they usually start with visits to each other’s classrooms.

I would also wonder why he is not practising if he thinks the music is so wonderful and the mentionitis stopping would also be a sign things are developing.

Affairs are rife in schools and also apparently in orchestras according to a musician friend.

Not definitely of course but certainly possible.

Sorry!

There’s definitely an in-between. The issue is that you appear to be leaning pretty far into ‘too jealous’ at the moment…and the usual suspects have emerged to nudge you over the edge.

I’ve seen how these things can go and I’d genuinely just hide this thread and crack on if I were you. You’re probably more anxious now than when you posted.

Why would you try to be 'cool'? Seriously, whats in that for you? Wave your partner off to do his thing with Rachel with a fake smile on your face then sit there in knots in case the friendship is crossing lines? The notion of being cool was not invented for your benefit and belongs in the bin, to be replaced by being authentic and assertive within your own relationship. So if you are concerned he's getting too close to Rachel, have a conversation. Lay down the boundaries you expect in a relationship. Its then up to him whether to comply or compromise, but you'll at least have had your say, raised your issue and been genuine.

Or that she told him his fingering needed work. Bish-boom.

It’s just as possible that after the initial flush of enthusiasm, he discovered that he’s nowhere near at her level and started finding it demotivating. Or she told him he needed lessons. Or for whatever reason it stopped being enjoyable

I used to regularly go off-campus for lunch with a colleague from another department, and it became a kind of informal book club of two for books from a specific area. I stopped it when it stopped being enjoyable, when I realised he was preparing notes and treating the whole thing like a viva in which I was the examiner and he was the candidate.

She's also in an orchestra. He might join if he gets good enough. 😅

The thing is that most teachers are women, and most teachers who make a career in the profession don't stay at the same school. So, even if a male teacher is working in a school with mostly male staff, that will likely change with the next workplace.

If you have a male partner who is a teacher you will have to get used to the fact that he has the opportunity to meet and become friendly with women. Schools can be a tough working environment so occasionally those friendships might involve supporting each other at a low point and becoming emotionally close.

One of my best (male) friends works in HR which is female dominated and at one point he was the only man in his team. His wife admitted that she felt jealous when he talked about his day and would mention his colleagues in a positive way, but she realised that she had to basically suck it up because what else could he do apart from be stand-offish and unpopular? Like the OP she traced these feelings back to a previous relationship with someone who had been unfaithful.

The actual problem is that the OP feels insecure but given the situation her husband is in, the pragmatic solution might be to find ways to feel more secure. Because someone who wants to have an affair will do so anyway.

Yeah, but just having a female friend that you do an activity with is on the OK side of the balance. If he said he was going to rent a cottage for the two of them and practice for a week or something then I'd say you'd have more grounds, but they're just practising in a school class room ffs. If she were blowing his horn (sorry, been resisting the musical innuendo all thread) then they'd potentially be seen by children and get sacked.

@EvieR

"I actually can't ever imagine him physically cheating."

That's what I said about my DH of 26 years. It's also what 2 of my best friends more or less said about their husbands. One actually laughed when confronted with the truth. Apparently he was "too fond of her home cooking to stray". Well, they did. Trust me, even the least likely men can, and frequently do, find somewhere else to stick their dicks given half a chance.

Agree with this. Sounds like he might be getting a confidence boost from time spent with her :(