Grandparents treating grandchildren differently already!!

[Diamondsandhandbags]

I have a 6 month old baby and SIL (DH’s sister) is expecting a baby very soon.

PIL gave us a couple of hundred pounds towards nursery furniture which was very generous of them & bought my baby an outfit when she was born… however we were over at SIL’s house this weekend and I found out that PIL have not only bought their baby a huge amount of clothes but also bought them a whole travel system which cost over £2k!

Ive tried really hard to make sure IL’s don’t feel like the ‘other’ grandparents - arranging for them to see the baby at least once a week and sending them updates & photos as DH works long hours and wouldn’t think to do it. But now I’m feeling like they are already favouring SIL’s baby before they’ve even been born! AIBU to be annoyed that they are already treating the grandchildren differently ?!

seems to be the consensus 😞 i could not dream of dream of treating grandchildren fairly. this does not always mean equal of course circumstances should always be taken into consideration such as if one set due to circumstances might need more help etc. but all will be equally loved

Great post and perspective

There is certainly the potential for that.

i just think me personally. i would want to know early enough in my child’s life which case it is so would want to try understand the reasoning so that i could set up lc or nc in extreme cases where i feel that my child would be treated as less. it can hurt especially if it is from one’s own family but at the end of the day i am also responsible to make sure my dc grows up feeling loved, valued and emotionally stable environment.

I think it’s too easy to see favourtism where it doesn’t exist if you go out of your way to look for it.

the problems are created by this kind of projection.

why create issues when there are none because of adult jealousies? It’s none of OP’s business how her PILs support their daughter or spend their money

Exactly

What about your parents. What contributions are they making. You are coming over as a bit jealous and mercenary and grabby.

Regardless that it's their money to spend as they wish I don't think yabu at all on this part and a reasonable set of grandparents would never do this. Yes they can spend money how they like (obviously) but I hate the mumsnet view on this 'their money, their choice'/'what's it to do with you' because that's all very well on paper but clearly IRL there are consequences when people do things like this...people have feelings!

DH and I both have siblings the same sex as us so not in this situation. But I think the (hypothetical, future) relationship part of your post is less clear-cut. Our DS (older) spends about equal time with both my parents and ILs and I make an effort with my ILs but in reality I think the equality is because DH and I are both actively involved with our families and this is the crux of your issue; as (no judgement - I get hes working) your DH doesnt have that relationship. During mat leave I spent a lot of time with my in laws as obviously I had the time to...they helped me so much and saw me vulnerable at times, which has had a positive impact on our relationship. But I wouldn't expect them to love me as much as their own child, and that doesn't mean they would love my DS any less than their other grandkids. I have less time now I'm working so DH facilitates a lot of the contact at weekends.

I think you sound like a great DIL to make the effort. And I think getting annoyed with the financial bit is only going to impact you negatively and not change anything, so (kindly, for your own good) try to look past this. Don't over-think it.

My mum spends way more money on my younger sister than me and always has. They are much closer than I am to my mum and they spend a lot more time together. So that's why. So they probably spend more money on her as they spend more time with her and maybe they go shopping together etc.

We had the first dgc. Unplanned and we weren't married. Got a second hand crib and sheets mil told me where factory seconds... Not sure why that was even mentioned.. Very grateful and told them so. Sil had a dc a year later. 1k pram. Over 30 years ago so loads of money then.. Next year dh had another dc and got the twin version oh her pram. Also from ils. We had another dc and she said she would have given us £100 but sil was pregnant again so we each got 50.. Sil also had free childcare provided for 6 dc. None of our 4 even got invited for tea. Sorry this is what lies ahead ime.

i really don’t understand how someone can be like this. i am sorry it was like that for you

The baby doesn't give a shit about the clothes, so the clothes are most definitely for the parents' benefit!

it’s for the baby to wear not the parent though. the baby does NEED clothes.

Yes but the baby doesn't care less if the babygro is Baby Dior, or a multipack from Tesco. The parent probably does.

Parents should be providing what their child NEEDS, grandparents are there for the fun extras.

People seem to have an awful lot of expectations.

to be honest i have never seen in person a baby being gifted such ridiculous goods. and it is very much for the baby. i am sorry but if any family this christmas as a gift for me gave me baby clothes my response would very much be that while i am flattered i don’t think i will fit into the 6-9 month old onesie

Well it would be a bit weird if that was your only gift.

My mother would buy me a Christmas gift suited to me, buy DD a gift of something to play with, and then there would be something like a hand-smocked dress in Liberty fabric which would be for DD, but would be given to me because a) 8 month old DD wouldn't be interested, b) I'm the one that would be excited about it and we would both enjoy seeing DD in it.

They're all now carefully put away for any future children DD might have - she appreciates the dresses far more now she's 15 and way too big for them.

My (lovely) MiL always did more for SiLs DC than mine. Mine had my parents who were the 'primary' GPs, due to proximity, the childcare they provided and my own closeness to my mum. MiL was the 'primary' GP to SiLs DC for much the same reasons. No one had any issues with it. Its just the way it was.

I agree with others that at this point the clothes/ buggy etc are for the mum.

That’s why people buy these sort of things for mums at baby showers - because they are basically gifts for the mother.

Your MIL was buying stuff for her daughter.

ok i see your point but to me it is for the baby as if i was not gifted the clothing and for example dc got another toy gift to enjoy (which you agree is for the baby) i would not be disappointed. like no parent has felt “oh i do with dc” had been gifted some pretty/luxury baby clothes