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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents treating grandchildren differently already!!

203 replies

Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 15:26

I have a 6 month old baby and SIL (DH’s sister) is expecting a baby very soon.

PIL gave us a couple of hundred pounds towards nursery furniture which was very generous of them & bought my baby an outfit when she was born… however we were over at SIL’s house this weekend and I found out that PIL have not only bought their baby a huge amount of clothes but also bought them a whole travel system which cost over £2k!

Ive tried really hard to make sure IL’s don’t feel like the ‘other’ grandparents - arranging for them to see the baby at least once a week and sending them updates & photos as DH works long hours and wouldn’t think to do it. But now I’m feeling like they are already favouring SIL’s baby before they’ve even been born! AIBU to be annoyed that they are already treating the grandchildren differently ?!

OP posts:
dutysuite · 10/12/2024 17:13

our children have always been treated differently to all the other grandchildren and cousins etc by my husband’s family. I don’t let it upset me, I know I provide for my children and they don’t go without so f**k them, it also says more about them than it does me, and if they thought it upset me they’d thrive on it so I don’t give them the satisfaction.

Gooden · 10/12/2024 17:14

I think it all comes down to them buying baby things for their daughter and celebrating their daughter becoming a mother. It's harder to do that with a daughter in law they have their own family for that. A woman having a baby is different to a man having a baby and I'd say it's just down to that.

LadyLapsang · 10/12/2024 17:15

If it is SIL’s first child, is there a reason she works part time, e.g. does she have health issues so PIL give her more support? Is she expecting a girl? You mention DH works fairly long hours in the week but does he see his parents regularly or has he offloaded maintaining the relationship and visits to you?

Original poster
Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 17:20

LadyLapsang · 10/12/2024 17:15

If it is SIL’s first child, is there a reason she works part time, e.g. does she have health issues so PIL give her more support? Is she expecting a girl? You mention DH works fairly long hours in the week but does he see his parents regularly or has he offloaded maintaining the relationship and visits to you?

Yes it’s her first baby (a boy), and she works part time because she works for her husbands family business m.

DH does see his parents regularly (maybe every other week or so) and calls his mum at least once a week but obviously can’t compare with his sister who has much more time available.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 17:21

Gooden · 10/12/2024 17:14

I think it all comes down to them buying baby things for their daughter and celebrating their daughter becoming a mother. It's harder to do that with a daughter in law they have their own family for that. A woman having a baby is different to a man having a baby and I'd say it's just down to that.

Yes this is a good perspective and not one I’d considered. I guess it’s just so tricky as the cousins will be so close in age so it’s hard not to compare

OP posts:
JHound · 10/12/2024 17:22

I see this a lot and I think a lot of parents react very differently to their daughters becoming parents vs. their sons.

I experienced this with my grandparents favouring us over the other grandchildren (my mother was their only daughter) and my mom regularly comments that being a grandparent to your daughters children is a different, better experience (sorry mom - I failed you there).

This is a very blatant example but not suprisong.

Is she potentially in a position to need more financial support.

Inkyblue123 · 10/12/2024 17:25

It’s their money they can spend it how they like. Don’t be so ungrateful

BarbaraHoward · 10/12/2024 17:29

Inkyblue123 · 10/12/2024 17:25

It’s their money they can spend it how they like. Don’t be so ungrateful

Of course they can spend it how they like, but if how they like to spend it is on one grandchild and not another then that's quite the statement and only going to cause upset.

Hopefully that will prove not to be the case but sometimes it is.

Original poster
Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 17:31

@Inkyblue123 @BarbaraHoward I’m of course very grateful for what we have been given but was very taken aback about how much they have bought for SIL’s baby who hasn’t even bren born yet compared to my baby who has.

OP posts:
Squeekey · 10/12/2024 17:33

For my first baby (A) my in laws bought us a cot and car seat, various bits of clothing etc. For my second (B) my FIL bought a small cuddly toy from the hospital shop (we had enough stuff from A tbf but still...).

We had a falling out (long story, not going into it, but you'll have to trust me here, not my fault...) and MIL declared agreed never see me again. She hasn't seen the kids since and they are school age. She said she was sad to be missing A but wasn't bothered about seeing B.

FIL has told us that MIL wants to see her other grandchildren this Christmas, in front of our children who she refuses to see.

I'm not sure what the point of this is, but I'm just getting it off my chest as the difference in how she treats her grandchildren is awful. She seems to play people off against eachother 🥺

It may just be a daughter vs daughter in law thing, but try to guard your heart a little until to protect yourself emotionally.

KingMungBean · 10/12/2024 17:34

Don’t overthink the baby clothes, your MIL may not want to step on your toes/may be worried things won’t be to your taste. Many women feel more comfortable telling their mum when they don’t like something.

also it’s fine not to want second hand clothes, we got given millions of second hand clothes by well meaning friends and they were all the wrong gender/size/season and just take up loads of room in our flat and mostly didn’t get worn

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/12/2024 17:35

SiLs dc were always favoured over all the other grandchildren.
Expect it to continue through birthdays & Christmas & then you won't be disappointed.

emailnonse · 10/12/2024 17:37

what is your relationship like with this sil op?

emailnonse · 10/12/2024 17:38

Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 17:31

@Inkyblue123 @BarbaraHoward I’m of course very grateful for what we have been given but was very taken aback about how much they have bought for SIL’s baby who hasn’t even bren born yet compared to my baby who has.

14 posts and you have not once mentioned how your DH feels about this?

MumonabikeE5 · 10/12/2024 17:46

Comparison is a joy sucker.

my husband has 2 brothers who have children .
never once have I concerned myself about equality between grandparent gifts.

i just am appreciative of the relationship we have, and enjoy any gifts they give us, with no concern for what other SILs get .

Original poster
Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 17:46

@emailnonse DH is away at the moment so I haven’t said anything to him about it. In terms of relationship with SIL, we aren’t hugely close but get on well when we do see each other.

OP posts:
emailnonse · 10/12/2024 17:51

Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 17:46

@emailnonse DH is away at the moment so I haven’t said anything to him about it. In terms of relationship with SIL, we aren’t hugely close but get on well when we do see each other.

what do you think he’ll say? / respond?

so you get on well with all in-laws

never had a hint of unfairness

so i’d assume that something is going on that has warranted this disparity on this occasion that you are not privy to. Perhaps money issues; SIL feeling financially vulnerable; DB not wanting to spend on things that SIL desperate to get, perhaps in-laws know there is marriage problems…. I could go on

But there’s not the drama of getting fired up and indignant in my suggestion so i suspect will be roundly dismissed

sunshineandshowers40 · 10/12/2024 17:51

I agree with PP. I think this is to do with the mother daughter relationship rather than the Grandchildren. They sound like good grandparents who are just excited their daughter is having a baby.

SatinHeart · 10/12/2024 17:52

Gooden · 10/12/2024 17:14

I think it all comes down to them buying baby things for their daughter and celebrating their daughter becoming a mother. It's harder to do that with a daughter in law they have their own family for that. A woman having a baby is different to a man having a baby and I'd say it's just down to that.

I'm inclined to agree with this. Also it's a reasonably common tradition that the maternal grandparents buy the pram.

emailnonse · 10/12/2024 17:53

what brand travel system costs over £2k?

even my sister’s bugaboo travel system cost £1300

WreggGallace · 10/12/2024 17:55

Its not about the stuff though is it? All you want is love and care for your child, there are lots of variables to consider. I spend time with my grandchildren, the other grandparents do not, but they buy stuff instead. Time spent is more valuable than cash, honestly. They won't judge the GPs on who bought a pram will they and it evens out over Christmas when the presents will be more equal

Edenmum2 · 10/12/2024 17:57

So do you want more money from them or do you want your SIL to have less?

Yoyooo · 10/12/2024 17:57

Maybe SIL was quite pushy in asking

SereneFish · 10/12/2024 18:01

Their son doesn't bother to keep them involved in his family. Their daughter does. Not surprising if they feel closer to her side.

Original poster
Diamondsandhandbags · 10/12/2024 18:10

@SereneFish that’s really not the case at all - DH works abroad for a big chunk of time and when he’s working in the UK he is out most evenings so it is physically impossible for him to see his parents as much as his sister. He sees them every other week which is more than a lot of people I know.

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