Grandparents treating grandchildren differently already!!

[Diamondsandhandbags]

I have a 6 month old baby and SIL (DH’s sister) is expecting a baby very soon.

PIL gave us a couple of hundred pounds towards nursery furniture which was very generous of them & bought my baby an outfit when she was born… however we were over at SIL’s house this weekend and I found out that PIL have not only bought their baby a huge amount of clothes but also bought them a whole travel system which cost over £2k!

Ive tried really hard to make sure IL’s don’t feel like the ‘other’ grandparents - arranging for them to see the baby at least once a week and sending them updates & photos as DH works long hours and wouldn’t think to do it. But now I’m feeling like they are already favouring SIL’s baby before they’ve even been born! AIBU to be annoyed that they are already treating the grandchildren differently ?!

Stop visiting every week if it's just you and baby. Your husband can organise this for when he's home. Wait for your in laws to ask for photos.,

I also think your husband needs more family friendly hours. If he's regularly abroad and misses every bedtime and every wake up, then he barely sees his child.

I have not got a clue what my mum spent on my daughter, compared to my nephew … of what my PILs gave to my SILs children.

The notion that the way someone feels about a child, is directly comprable to how much they spend, is bizzare

Do people really sit there and add up every little gift or day out ?

Same in our family. I got a Moses basket they got everything you could think of and more gifted by parents.

The OP doesn’t have need an Excel spreadsheet to deduce that her child’s one outfit is significantly less than the full wardrobe of clothes her SIL says her parents bought her baby. It’s hard not to notice. I also think to an extent gifts do reflect how people feel - I spend more and buy more thoughtful gifts for those I care about more and I am more excited for. I spent more on a baby gift for my close friend’s baby than my hairdresser’s baby for example.

It takes literally 15 seconds to send a cute baby photo yet he leaves it all to you.

I agree, I think it's different between mother and daughter to mother and son.

The amount of money I spend on someone, in no way reflects how important or special they get are, I get things I think they will like.

Money has no value when it comes to measuring relationships.

I don’t see that providing prams/nursery furniture is treating the babies differently. They aren’t gifts for the baby. It’s just stuff that is needed for their care.

I would imagine that when it comes to birthday or Christmas gifts for the babies, your IL’s will treat them both the same.

I feel for you been there got the shirt it hurts only thing is see how it goes but the daughter kids take preference in my experience probably be more available for childcare aswell. I Get why your feeling this way especially as you say favourite picked already.

Regarding clothes I would expect the mother’s mother to buy more than the mother in law. They go shopping together etc and it’s just a bonding thing with a daughter and mum. She would likely feel like she was pushing her tastes on you to have got lots of clothes. The value of the stroller wouldn’t really bother me either as a gift of baby furniture or of pram etc is very standard. The values being different isn’t really an issue.

id be more concerned if going forward she does different gifts for Christmas and birthdays. Since the cousins will be close in age and in location they will likely know if they are treated differently.

Grand parents usually are closer to their Daughter’s children.

Yes, this is how I took it, as them supporting their daughter with her first pregnancy and baby. Perhaps assuming your parents would do the same, or maybe it’s a family tradition? When me and my sister had our kids my parents paid for nursery furniture but come to think of it I never heard it mentioned that they did that for my brothers. In other areas I know my parents are very focussed on keeping things fair and equal. Annoyingly so.

I do think that’s unfair and my parents made sure gifts were equal, eg she bought a pram for my first baby so did the same for brother’s. My mum is always very careful to ensure gifts are equal.

I think GP often do favour their DD’s kids over their DS’s. My mum was so keen to avoid this she’s gone the other way and favours my brother’s children over mine! However not in a monetary sense - with that she is fair. I think unless there is a stark difference in finances between your families then it should be fair.

But I would just try not to dwell on it as your baby will never know or be hurt by it. It’s much harder when you watch a GP minimise one GC’s achievements while showering praise on their cousin.

I think the true measure is time, not money. Whether your child is included in the same way as the cousin.
My child hardly sees their grandparents (DH's dad and stepmum) and they've (GPs) never wanted to spend Christmas with us. They spent lots of time and every Christmas they could with my DH's step sister's kids.
Even down to having specific cups and chairs, etc at their GP's house and my DC not being allowed to use them.

Your feelings are valid. You just need to decide if it’s upsetting you enough to affect your children’s relationship with their grandparents. Given it sounds like they are decent people and your children are going to have everything they need, I would suggest prioritise the relationship over material comparisons. If things get worse and their is blatant favouritism in the relationship going forward which is in danger of hurting your children then you can reassess.

You say she didn’t want her DC wearing second hand clothes which is bizarre as they’re from her own niece/nephew so not as if it’s a strangers child.

It’s not “bizarre”. It’s very common to want your PFB to have new clothes. I certainly did.

She isn’t treating the grandchildren differently, she’s treating her children differently.

You can’t really gauge if she’s going to treat the grandchildren differently until the other one is actually here.

I think you’re seeing this one differently to how the grandparents are.

What you’ve described is parents buying things for their pregnant daughter.

Not grandparent buying things for grandchild.

It’s similar to the traditional mindset of brides parents paying for the wedding. Yes, a slightly outdated concept - but still very much alive in mindsets. Particularly in their generation.

It’s not really a surprise that a parent responds differently to their pregnant daughter vs a son whose partner is expecting. They’re different situations.

It’s also worth being realistic now about whether it’s possible to treat children equally. It might be, but it’s rarely sensible. When Child 1 is really into rugby at 12 and wants a full set of gear, it may make sense to buy them that. It wouldn’t make sense to get the same for Child 2 who much prefers ballet. Child 2s rugby kit might cost less than the ballet kit, but needs more time standing in touch lines whereas ballet is drop and go.

You can be fair, but it’s unlikely to ever be equal.

I think it's natural for them to be closer to a daughter's baby than a son's since they'll likely feel more involved in the pregnancy.

It's beliefs like this that make me glad I have only sons and no daughters. The thought that I might have felt justified in treating my sons and their children as lesser makes me feel slightly sick.

Spending more money on baby stuff doesn't equal more love. The baby will not know or care how much is being spent on them. They are just looking after their pregnant daughter.

I’d stop all this effort for PIL. Drop the rope.

Let DH manage his parents. Don’t facilitate visits or their Christmas presents.

DH should have a word with them about their favouritism because this will continue with your kids being lesser.

Then they shouldn’t mind when OP stops trying really hard with them.

They’ve shot themselves in the foot .

That means OP doesn’t have to treat PIL equally to her own parents.