Grandparents treating grandchildren differently already!!

[Diamondsandhandbags]

I have a 6 month old baby and SIL (DH’s sister) is expecting a baby very soon.

PIL gave us a couple of hundred pounds towards nursery furniture which was very generous of them & bought my baby an outfit when she was born… however we were over at SIL’s house this weekend and I found out that PIL have not only bought their baby a huge amount of clothes but also bought them a whole travel system which cost over £2k!

Ive tried really hard to make sure IL’s don’t feel like the ‘other’ grandparents - arranging for them to see the baby at least once a week and sending them updates & photos as DH works long hours and wouldn’t think to do it. But now I’m feeling like they are already favouring SIL’s baby before they’ve even been born! AIBU to be annoyed that they are already treating the grandchildren differently ?!

It seems odd for them to have given you money to buy nursery things yourself. A bit crass to be handed cash, and feels disinterested of them.

Is your DH upset about it?

@Diamondsandhandbags
They might feel it's a bit of a dig.
Me? I couldn't care less , but it might be offending them .

Disagree. I think it shows they respect the parents might have their own views on how to kit out the nursery

Not sure if this is relevant but the women in my family often had their pram/travel system bought as a gift by the mother of the mum-to-be, and I have many friends who did the same. Is it possibly a case of your MIL buying for her daughter the pram, rather than 'treating the grandchildren differently'? My mum's mum bought her pram for me, and my aunt (my mum's sil) had hers bought by her own mum (my mum's mil)

Good point

I think to some, the maternal grandparents buying the pram is quite a traditional thing. Almost like the bride's parents paying for the wedding - old school.

There's also the chance that their DD asked and their DS didn't.

Some do seem to see a difference between daughters' children and sons' children, so I would be wary of that, but don't panic yet - it may be the tradition thing.

I can’t see the problem, it’s their money so their choice, and I guess they’ll feel more involved with her baby.
I got more from my DP’s for my kids, we got very little from the PIL and that’s fine.

@Wheelyfast ahh okay - no I always refer to the baby by their name. Before she was born she was Baby Husbands Surname. So definitely no way I’ve offended them in that way.

I think you're looking for an issue where there isn't one. Parenting is a long, sometimes hard journey, and keeping a good relationship with your child's grandparents will make it a whole lot easier. They gave you some money and nice things for your baby. Whatever they given their daughter is between them and her. None of your business.

Very good point.

I'd get your DH to point it out to his parents, as it may just have happened inadvertently, and they are planning to even things up over time. I've noticed my older DS doesn't ask for things, but DD does. This means I end up not spending much on adult DS, and then have to even things up later. (I do point this out when this happens, though, so they don't think it's favouritism!)

I think you've kind of said it yourself.

Your dh doesn't put the effort in that his sister has to his relationships with his parents.

You've said he doesn't think to, and that she has spent more time with them.

That's your answer.

I think the mum is excited that her daughter is expecting.
Totally normal, in my book. Nothing is meant against your baby. My sister gets way more than me from Mum & Dad.

They love both of the grandkids the same though, I’d say.

I know someone who is a grandma, and she felt completely pushed out because of 'my' not 'our' in regards to her son's baby. That's why I asked .

It's a tricky one OP and I feel for you. I've got adult children now, FWIW, so obviously much further into the parenting journey than you are. But my experience has been that this is not uncommon. Part of it, which I think we tend to forget, is that when babies first arrive, we're not just learning to be parents, our parents have to learn how to be grandparents, and some do a better job than others. We were the first to have children in both our families. Some of our siblings took it better than others. I know now (though I didn't at the time) that DH's eldest sister was throwing tantrums because she felt that it wasn't fair that we'd got there first. His mother was having to navigate that. I also know that she babysat for the others once their children came along but we'd been told that wasn't on offer and not to ask, so we never did. My mother was obsessed with my eldest and utterly dismissive of the youngest and ignored him. There is also a difference between children of daughters and sons. There shouldn't be, but in lots of families, daughter's children are treated as definitely genetically ours therefore worth the effort and son's children as might be ours, might not be, therefore not worth as much effort.

What matters, overall, is how you handle this. Ask yourself if this will really matter in a year, in ten years. I get that it's hard and it feels painful and unfair. But in the long run it's in your interests not to cause a fallout with the in laws over it. It's just not worth it.

Of course, but a choice which should make the OP think very carefully about how much time and effort she wishes to expend on these people.

I personally think some of these comments are mental.
Speaking from experience where my SIL and her children get far more in terms of gifts/time/effort it's absolutely shit. Shit for the grandchildren who notice the difference (I'm aware OP's child is too young to notice at moment), and absolutely shit for my DH.
Why can't it be equal?!

If your baby's cousin is going to be 6 months younger I don't understand why your SIL is buying lots of new baby clothes and not wearing your baby's outgrown clothes - baby clothes get such little wear. Maybe if you offered this it might improve family relations? My best friend's nephew is 6 months older than my daughter and I had her kitted out in his blue cast offs for most of her first year - which saved me a fortune

DH ‘wouldn’t think to do it’ probably says it all. If it isn’t important to him then they might be taking their cue from him.

Do you like them, are they in general nice, kind people? If yes then I wouldn't make a thing of it. Your baby isn't going to notice who has more money spent on them so just wait and see. If they start spending lots more at birthdays and Christmas then your husband should ask why?
You said your husband earns more but that SIL husband has more family money, does your MIL know this?
My Nan used to treat me and my brother to so much more money and gifts than my cousins. Just because we had so much less at home than all of her other grandchildren.

I gave my best friend a grand when she had her baby, how much time did that "buy" me?

I think you’re getting a hard time, OP. I’ve been in a very similar situation to you and it carried on after my SIL’s baby arrived. E.g. at Christmas, she’d buy my niece clothing from a very expensive clothes shop and then buy mine and DH’s children clothes from a supermarket. It was galling, as like you, I saw them regularly and it was deeply unpleasant. It’s the principle.

This is pretty typical when it comes to son’s baby versus daughter’s baby. Women often turn to their mothers for support and advice during pregnancy and babyhood, which brings mother and daughter closer together. If the parents are married still it naturally also brings the father closer. Men don’t typically need to lean on their parents as much when they become fathers because they aren’t the ones that are pregnant and giving birth.

If they are usually close to both your husband and his sister then I would suspect that this is what is happening. Obviously it would be nice if they had the self-awareness to remember to gift equally between the two but 🤷🏼‍♀️.

This sounds more of a parents treating their daughter in a different way from their DIL which seems completely normal to me.

If they were buying one child a rocking horse for Xmas and the other a selection box then you'd have cause for complaint, but these are gifts to their child rather than their grandchild.

It's not unusual for grandparents to be far more involved with their daughters than their daughters-in-law.

I do come from a very traditionally minded family where my parents paid for their daughters' weddings but gave a financial gift to sons instead. My mother was definitely much more involved with all of our pregnancies/births/babies than she was with my brother's. But SIL had her own mother for that.

Grandchildren all treated equally in terms of birthdays/xmas