Grandparents treating grandchildren differently already!!

[Diamondsandhandbags]

I have a 6 month old baby and SIL (DH’s sister) is expecting a baby very soon.

PIL gave us a couple of hundred pounds towards nursery furniture which was very generous of them & bought my baby an outfit when she was born… however we were over at SIL’s house this weekend and I found out that PIL have not only bought their baby a huge amount of clothes but also bought them a whole travel system which cost over £2k!

Ive tried really hard to make sure IL’s don’t feel like the ‘other’ grandparents - arranging for them to see the baby at least once a week and sending them updates & photos as DH works long hours and wouldn’t think to do it. But now I’m feeling like they are already favouring SIL’s baby before they’ve even been born! AIBU to be annoyed that they are already treating the grandchildren differently ?!

I'd not heard the maternal side thing about the pram, but it makes sense.

Also I think grandparents take a while to get into the groove sometimes. Until they have a grandchild they don't know how expensive things are, they've forgotten how much stuff is needed etc. I wonder if they are sometimes more generous with later grandchildren because they have gone up a learning curve with the eldest. Firstborns are lucky in some ways to have the attention, but we also make most of our mistakes with them.

I think it's because it's also DH's baby (and he doesn't seem to be referenced much). Also that it's his parents and not just your in-laws

PS What does the father / your partner make of this when you discussed with him?

It would be a bit weird if you did it in front of his parents, I think tbh.

Clutching at straws bit did you accidentally make MIL feel like 'the inferior other granny'?

E.g did your parents buy your pram and have lovely days out to choose one, with nice lunches etc?

Even if you bought your pram, was your Mum there to help and MIL felt left out?

Did you/your family over buy for baby and not need as many gifts? Or, did your MIL buy something not to your taste and you didn't dress baby in it and send her the photo etc?

After baby was born, was your Mum welcomed with open arms but MIL not allowed near as you were 'bonding'?

Perhaps because SIL spends a lot more time with the parents than their son (the DP) they have a better idea of their wishes and needs?

I thought it’s traditional for the mum’s side to buy the pram? I put it in the same league as wedding dress, i.e. something women tend to really care about and men don’t. My husband wasn’t fussed what pram we got as long as it was safe whereas I loved choosing and wanted a particular style, I see the pram as kind of a gift for me as well as the baby.

I think these are very fair and valid points

And there you have it

Same here, my mom bought mine and both of my sisters first travel systems. I had my baby 10 years after my sister's last one but my mom still said that it was only right that she gave the same as my sister's before.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle @betterangels I wrote my baby for the post but IRL she is always referred to by her name. So I def haven’t caused offence in that respect

Not bizarre at all that SIL prefers new clothes for her baby rather than hand me downs!

We try very hard to treat our grandchildren equally. Due to circumstances though I see one far more often that the rest so he tends to get stuff bought for him when we're together.

I’ve gone out of my way to make sure she doesn’t feel like the inferior granny - she came to one of my scans, she’s seen the baby every week, gets regular pics etc. PILs have only bought one outfit for baby but I made sure to dress baby in it when in laws have been round. My parents did meet the baby first but that was only because a) someone has to be first and b) ILs were on hols when baby arrived. We did face time them though.

I am close with my mum and my parents have been generous but I never discuss any gifts from my parents with ILs.

You,sound like a lovely and thoughtful DIL (and going quite some way to making up for DP 's relative absence)

I can understand how this happens but don’t think it goes unnoticed. My dc relationship is not as good as it could be as the other grandchildren not only saw more of the grandparents but got extra stuff too. TBH the thing that upset them (and me) the most was the fact they spent longer with their other grandchildren. That hurt more than the difference in money being spent.

We had the similar scenario. We were given a photo frame and a Christmas themed baby vest (child was born in January) SIL got a whole travel system, cot and nursery furniture. I honestly feel my ILs do it for a reaction, which I never ever gave. Just smile and nod, it’s just not worth the drama 😊

I agree with this.

My in-laws have favoured their dd children massively over the years. Not just financially. And it's damaging for the children and for their relationships with their cousins.

Mine are adults now and barely have anything to do with any of them.

OP - I think some people are being dismissive of your feelings. My PIL favour their daughters children. It’s actually been really upsetting over the years. It’s irrelevant how much time your DH has spent with his parents. Your baby is their grandchild and should be treated equally.

I thought that in this thread you said ‘my baby’ to distinguish from your SILs.

I get you. My IL are really lovely but my god, the others get more of everything, presents, money, time, talked about. All hail the cousins!
Its got better as they have got older but for a while when the kids were younger I took a big step back as I couldnt sit and watch toys being taken off my 3 year old because their cousin (who was 2) wanted to play with it and was 'only little' (because a 3 year old is so grown up!).
See how it plays out as they get older but be prepared to take a big step back so it doesnt get to you

Did you say anything when you were shown the bountiful gifts ,?

I totally get where you're coming from. My parents have always treated me and my DB equally - and treat our DC equally even down to spending £10 on a toy, they make sure they do the same for the other GC.

My ILs already have made it clear they will favour BIL and his wifes DC over mine and DHs...even though they don't have children yet! As BIL is golden balls...I am prepared for it and as PP have said distance yourself so it becomes less bothersome.

I used to do the whole sending pic updates etc etc. but have stopped now. I let DH do any contact with his parents regarding DC.

It's shit but in time hopefully you can learn to let it go and humour it with DH if it becomes more of an issue!

I think if they treat the grandchildren differently then you have a problem.

The pre- birth gifts could be something she’d chatted with her dd about and got a bit carried away.

It’s irrelevant how much time your DH has spent with his parents

But - from the parents perspective. All they've done so far is spend more money for practical items for their daughter. She spends time with them. Their son has prioritised making money from his job over spending time with them. They might feel that he can afford these items himself since he has essentially been working to earn money whilst she has not and has spent time. They might plan to spend equal time with the gc. Just offering a different perspective.

@arethereanyleftatall he has tbh, but has stepped back massively recently through seeing these acts of unfairness.