Grandparents treating grandchildren differently already!!

[Diamondsandhandbags]

I have a 6 month old baby and SIL (DH’s sister) is expecting a baby very soon.

PIL gave us a couple of hundred pounds towards nursery furniture which was very generous of them & bought my baby an outfit when she was born… however we were over at SIL’s house this weekend and I found out that PIL have not only bought their baby a huge amount of clothes but also bought them a whole travel system which cost over £2k!

Ive tried really hard to make sure IL’s don’t feel like the ‘other’ grandparents - arranging for them to see the baby at least once a week and sending them updates & photos as DH works long hours and wouldn’t think to do it. But now I’m feeling like they are already favouring SIL’s baby before they’ve even been born! AIBU to be annoyed that they are already treating the grandchildren differently ?!

I have similar PIL do an awful lot more with and for SILs children. Mine have now started to notice so I don't make any effort for get together with his side and DH isn't bothered. I do make the effort to maintain contact with PIL but not his extended family due to the effect the gross inequality has on my children. My advice would be to stop making so much effort with them.

Exactly!! I find it very interesting that I’ve been asked on this thread if I’ve made my MIL feel like the lesser Granny, but then also had lots of comments how a Grandchild from a daughter is different to that of a son and only natural they want to treat her more. Fair enough but then you can’t moan that you are being treated differently !

There are a lot of MILs on MN.

Nobody has said that a grandchild from a daughter is different and they'd want to treat them more.

However they have said is very normal to treat your own daughter differently to your daughter-in-law.

Maybe my family is weird, but I get very different kind of birthday and Christmas presents from my parents than my SIL or my DH does. That seems normal to me.

I called my mother pretty much every day, certainly several times a week - and not for just a 5 minute 'check you are okay' type call. She was my first point of contact for everything. We enjoyed doing things together, shopping, visiting places etc.

DH calls his mother a few times a year - I probably call her more than he does. She's lovely but it's not the same relationship.

DH is one of 4 boys, so MIL only has daughters-in-law, She treats all the grandchildren equally, but mine and my SIL's mothers are all vastly more involved with our respective kids than she is.

But this isn't about a daughter being treated differently than a dil or a sil @OhCrumbsWhereNow , this is about a daughter being treated differently to a son. The OP's MiL has two children, she favours one.

@OhCrumbsWhereNow But to my mind buying clothes for a baby isn’t spoiling the mum, it’s buying for the baby. MIL has bought significantly more for SIL’s unborn baby than for my baby who is 6 months old. Seems it’s very split on if this okay for not, but I know if I were to have a son, I wouldn’t treat his children any differently to my daughter’s children.

Have there financial circumstances changed since you had your DC?

It's not ok at all. How are they seeing baby every week? Is it you making the effort?

DD is the one grandchild that doesn’t get birthday or Xmas presents from PIL, because we dare to live 250 miles away. They won’t use online banking, or send money in the post, and they don’t know her well enough to buy her clothing or physical presents. She’s 14 and they haven’t bought for her since she was 2. They’ve never once asked after her directly on the phone.

The other 6 grandchildren (and step-grandchild) get gifts and cards and days out.

I’m NC with them now. DH takes DD there 3-4 times a year and they are utterly disinterested. I anticipate DD will start refusing to go soon. Their loss.

You have interested PIL. Don’t make this about money.

But if they’re only interested because OP makes all the running then what’s the point?

I don't think it's that simple.

MIL has knitted my DD some amazing jumpers over the years and I have zero doubt she is as adored as all the grandchildren. But my mother has bought DD significantly more in terms of quantity.

Part of that maybe because MIL only has grand-daughters, and my mother has mainly grandsons so she particularly enjoyed the hand-smocked dresses and girly stuff when DD was little (DD was not a child who appreciated gender neutral).

My mother also loved shopping, MIL not so much.

And baby clothes are definitely for the mother not the baby.

I am wondering if you feel that your mother is lacking in her level of interest in you and your baby and so you are looking at what others get and wanting your in-laws to compensate? I can't say I have taken a great deal of interest in who gets what from who.

I would say you only have a problem if there is significant disparity in gifts to the children - one unwraps a new ipad and the other gets a Barbie type thing.

I agree. Which is precisely why I don’t do the running around.

And I make sure to roll my eyes if, on the rare occasion I’m jn their company (funerals, mostly) they bleat on about “blood is thicker than water”.

I was always very aware of being fair when my 3 kids had families. I got all 3 of them travel systems. They chose their own and some were more expensive than others but as long as i got them their choice i was happy.

That doesn’t stop it being unfair

The cousin is not even born yet you are allowing yourself to feel jealous.

You have a warm and close relationship with your inlaws.
They are very generous to your child.
You have enough. You should be happy that they are also generous to their daughter. Why do you compare?
All through the children's lives you might detect differences in gift values; ther eare decades of years ahead where the generosity might even up.

But why keep a tally?
If you have enough and your get along well with inlaws, what more do you need?

And how do you know the liquidity of your SIL's husband's "old money". Her disposable income could be less than yours. Business might not be going as well as it could.

maybe because at some point children get older and will notice the difference. that is why i made sure to protect my ds from my mum’s side of the family. i knew he was just going to be a place holder baby until the main branch got a baby. my cousin made that mistake any close bond and enthusiasm has turned luke warm since uncle’s son decided to marry with the prospect of family. i would rather not expose my child to “why does xyz always get nice gifts and sleepovers and i don’t etc”

@Diamondsandhandbags

Another point about the travel system is that perhaps your in-laws also wanted to have a say in the type and quality of the product because they wanted to be able to use it too? So they paid for the best one not only for the parents, but for them.

Personally I 'd interpret your situation as parents choosing to buy for their daughter, rather than favouring that grandchild.

Obviously without knowing the individuals involved we can't say, but some people are very vocal about what they want, they moan about how much it costs, how they only want the best for their children. They are open with what other people are getting them etc etc. How lovely others have been to "help them out" with such and such a thing.
Clearly this doesn't mean that a gift giver has to go along with anything, and technically they should just contribute what they want to, but some people are less easy going than others.

I'm just saying that when some people obtain more of something, be it financially or time and help such as child care, it doesn't necessarily mean that the grandparents chose off their own bat to do so, but that they take into account the personality of their child and have to often do more than they would have wanted, to try and balance out what they may perceive as difficulties for their child in terms of character and relationships.

Know that by enabling a relaxed relationship between your child and your in-laws you are already giving the best thing possible in my opinion.

If you find that in the future there is a substantial difference in how the grandchildren are treated, then you can address that.

You might see this differently when you are at the point of actually using the clothes.

Clothes for children under 2 are definitely something that’s a benefit / drag for the parent rather than a child.
Ditto prams.

When they’re bigger, and it’s toys that the child will recognise and want / use themselves then they’re for the child. Before they’re at that point. They’re for the parent.

You’ll recognise that for yourself if you look at your wants for a pram, for bedtime furniture etc.

(And even when it reaches the point of the grandchild does have wants and it is actually for them - there’ll still be a line to tread on whether the wants get treated equally or the £. For example, If one grandchild wants a bike and one wants a scooter, it’s probably ok to get both what they want. Even though the price tags are different).

It’s a big difference and I can see why it bothers you. But it also sounds like your DH doesn’t put much into his relationship with his parents whereas your SiL does. He may be working long hours compared to her, but there is a lot more to keeping up relationships than visiting. You say he wouldn’t even think to send them photos FFS. That’s not someone who is giving much thought to his parents and the relationship they might have with his DC, is it?

Does he call them? Text often? Put a lot of effort into birthdays? Invite them round for Sunday lunch (or anything else) regularly? Ask them for advice? And did he do much before you had a baby?

Or has he left all the emotional labour up to you?

The relationship between mothers and daughters does tend to be different and there’s a lot about shared experience of life, especially once a daughter becomes a mother herself, that sons will never share with their mothers. But the tendency of men to abdicate responsibility for relationships once they get a female partner (and this may well apply to his Dad, whom he will share life experience with that his sister doesn’t) is also a huge part of why sons tend to have less strong relationships with their parents. Sometimes one parent just has a very sexist preference, or a preference for a different reason, but if he’s a bit lack lustre with them, this isn’t that surprising or even that unfair.

so if this pattern continues it’s not unfair for one child to feel less loved by extended family then their cousin? children do feel it. my dg were like this. they all felt i was my grandfather’s favourite. he was very blatant about it unfortunately

I don’t really think you should be competing with your SIL over how your in laws spend their money. It’s really none of your business tbh. As long as they love your child and are good grandparents that’s all that needs concern you.

I think you're seeing this very differently to me.

For a start, there is a big difference between the relationship a parent has with their children and the relationship they have with their grandchildren.

My MiL has a much closer relationship with my SiL than with my DH. She has provided SiL with significantly more resources (time and money). SiL spends a lot more time with her. DH does not want to spend as much time with MiL as SiL does. MiL has much closer bonds with my SiL's children than she does with mine as she's spent a lot more time with them and knows them better. I don't see favourtism in her treatment of them, though. She is great with my kids. Interested in them, generous with praise, etc. When we're all together she gives all the grandchildren equal attention and gifts. Neither of my two have ever indicated they feel the others are favoured more. We also have BiL and his kids who are probably on par with DH and our kids in terms of bonds with MiL. Again, I don't see any difference in how she treats them when we're together.

But also, that attention and those resources that SiL gets that DH doesn't aren't equivalent to love. I don't think she loves SiL more than Dh (or BiL) either. She's just closer and that has lead to her being more involved and SiL getting more and probably also giving more, certainly in terms of time and consideration.

Same thing happened to us! We got a voucher for a baby shop for £500 and the other DGC got a whole nursery and travel system totalling £5000. I get it - it's hurts. Only months apart in age. Same thing- it's the daughters baby. It doesn't get any better - so get used to it I'm afraid.

i think maybe because of my own family and dynamics i am just really hyper sensitive to these differences. of course as no grandchild feels less loved it is not an issue. i guess i was just trying to explain that for all the how is it your business comments op was getting it could be very much be a problem if this is the pattern that follows on and the children get old enough to notice differences like one child getting a signed book by their favourite writer or something they are interested in or maybe a big ticket item and the other child gets a generic gift voucher etc

To be unfair and unkind?