Page 7 | Party - are people just rude now

Mary46 · 11/12/2024 21:11

Agree catsrlife I got rid of the flaky friends. Just do things alone now. Seems less stress than wondering are they going to cancel plans. People are flaky since covid I find

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/12/2024 21:18

On what planet would you arrive empty handed if someone was hosting you??

PorridgeEater · 11/12/2024 23:24

Don't invite the non / ungrateful / rude attenders again.
See if you can find nicer friends!

Original poster

Meltedcheese2 · 12/12/2024 07:03

I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the advice and kind words. Unbelievably (can't believe I'm typing this) had repeat of the same issue last night when one of the non-attenders messaged me about a night out she was going on (with some of the rest of the group!) asking if I could pick her child up! You will be pleased to know I said no but it has absolutely reinforced something for me 😥. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2024 07:17

Meltedcheese2 · 12/12/2024 07:03

I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the advice and kind words. Unbelievably (can't believe I'm typing this) had repeat of the same issue last night when one of the non-attenders messaged me about a night out she was going on (with some of the rest of the group!) asking if I could pick her child up! You will be pleased to know I said no but it has absolutely reinforced something for me 😥. Thanks again.

That is beyond cfuckery! Jeez, they need to witness your inner bitch and start telling them where to go. Unbelievable!

Oodydoody · 12/12/2024 10:15

OP, do you want your children growing up like you?
Feeling like you?
Trying too hard?
Making little of yourself?
Having people treat and think you are a mug?

Is that really the future that you want for your children?
Your legacy?

If not, start putting in the effort you put into to being a people pleaser, to changing this about yourself.

It can be done.
I couldn't bear for my children to live lives of feeling less than by being treated like a mug.

Fix yourself, model self respect, self esteem and firm boundaries so your children can learn them too.

The alternative is unthinkable IMO.

NavyTurtle · 12/12/2024 12:12

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 05:57

Hosted Xmas get together for 30 people on Saturday late afternoon and evening - 12 adults, rest kids.

Feeding everyone so ALOT of work and prep

2 different families didn't turn up (one last minute message, 1 didn't even message just said to a fellow attendee - can you let them know kids playing up so we aren't coming)

2 others turned up completely empty handed and the expected to be waited on hand and foot the entire time and then asked for leftovers to take home!

Is it just me or is this really rude. You've said yes, I've catered for you, cleaned house top to bottom spent an absolute fortune and people just flake last minute or turn up and take the mick.

I absolutely understand if it's illness or family emergency but it wasn't. Just say no and I won't cater for you.

It then emerged during the party that one of the groups hadn't come because a large number of them had all been out together the night before and were.partied out......We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

If you choose to be a doormat then unfortunately people will treat you as such. You waited on people and and foot?? Do you not have a voice. They did not invite you the day before ? These people are not your friends and are using you. Please put a stop to this now and tell them all the f* off.

HappyMamma2023 · 12/12/2024 12:31

I'm sorry OP. You've put a lot of time and effort doing food, cleaning the house etc and then had to host some unappreciative guests. Not friends. I do think since Covid19 people are really flakey. I wouldn't invite them again xx

Tired887 · 12/12/2024 12:38

It's why we don't host anymore. And I suspect it's why lots of people in my circle don't host anymore. Would rather meet up at a bar and that way no one is put out. People are horrifically flaky nowadays.

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 13:04

Oodydoody · 12/12/2024 10:15

OP, do you want your children growing up like you?
Feeling like you?
Trying too hard?
Making little of yourself?
Having people treat and think you are a mug?

Is that really the future that you want for your children?
Your legacy?

If not, start putting in the effort you put into to being a people pleaser, to changing this about yourself.

It can be done.
I couldn't bear for my children to live lives of feeling less than by being treated like a mug.

Fix yourself, model self respect, self esteem and firm boundaries so your children can learn them too.

The alternative is unthinkable IMO.

Edited

People don’t ‘choose’ to be people pleasers. They are conditioned to be that way from childhood. I agree that this party can be a turning point for op to really do some work around people pleasing if that is what this is, but you can hardly blame op for other people’s behaviour.

The so called friends are deplorable and yes the onus is now on op to find her anger and stamp this out. Most of us enjoy having friends and celebrations. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem lies with the rancid CFs that think it’s okay to treat good people like dirt.

I hope op dumps them unceremoniously too, but your berating tone is a bit much tbh.

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 12/12/2024 13:08

It sounds like overall a good night was had by pretty much everyone, but I do agree passing on a message or not texting is rude, very rude.

You aren't a drop in centre!

That said, I do think people are flaky with parties and in life in general, there are too many events, too much to do at work and too many things for the kids at Christmas and it can feel overwhelming.

All you can do in future OP is either accept that a few won't attend and may be a bit crap, or do smaller events for the two families you know are brilliant and would let you know.

You won't be able to control these other people, sadly, rude or otherwise.

IsawwhatIsaw · 12/12/2024 16:05

Well they sound horrible frankly.
You on the other hand sound a good friend.
So for the New Year, I’d be looking to spend time with decent people who aren’t users and know how to behave.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 12/12/2024 16:10

Don’t invite them in the future. They are absolute piss takers, not friends.

another1bitestheduck · 12/12/2024 16:41

Happyinarcon · 10/12/2024 06:08

This is a difficult time of year. I can imagine people feeling they’d like to come along and then actually feeling exhausted on the day, or having a neurodiverse kid that needs coaxing to get out of the house. People are under a lot of pressure. I would feel fed up in your shoes, but I also know how hard it can be to get the family out the door.

well you're a lot MORE likely to "feel exhausted on the day" if you've been out til late the night before, to an event you didn't even have the decency to invite the host to!

Plus, as others have said, even if you "can't" (let's be honest in this scenario it's "could but can't be arsed to") make it, there's no excuse for not sending a sincere apology (and offering to contribute to costs).

OP maybe your NY resolution could be to find better friends! You sound lovely, I bet there would be many many people who would hugely appreciate your hosting

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 16:48

Your friends are lucky to have such generous and lovely you op. I am sure your other friends were seething. I know I would be if this happened to a friend of mine. Don’t let the ingrates ruin future plans and fun events. You can just decide to give them the chop and replace them with better friends that appreciate your efforts.

CosyLemur · 13/12/2024 06:05

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 06:11

Thanks - and I absolutely agree and get that. I really do - but what got me was not sending a message. I would have been absolutely fine with "x is not coping, we can't come, I am really sorry". But to not even message was what really bothered me. But I do get the wider point.

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But they sent a message through someone they knew was going - which I'd most likely do. If you're hosting a party you're probably not going to be attached to your phone, so may not see a message if someone is verbally telling you then I know you've got the message.

CosyLemur · 13/12/2024 06:06

another1bitestheduck · 12/12/2024 16:41

well you're a lot MORE likely to "feel exhausted on the day" if you've been out til late the night before, to an event you didn't even have the decency to invite the host to!

Plus, as others have said, even if you "can't" (let's be honest in this scenario it's "could but can't be arsed to") make it, there's no excuse for not sending a sincere apology (and offering to contribute to costs).

OP maybe your NY resolution could be to find better friends! You sound lovely, I bet there would be many many people who would hugely appreciate your hosting

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Since when does an invite to a party require payment towards the costs?

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 13/12/2024 07:11

Happyinarcon · 10/12/2024 06:08

This is a difficult time of year. I can imagine people feeling they’d like to come along and then actually feeling exhausted on the day, or having a neurodiverse kid that needs coaxing to get out of the house. People are under a lot of pressure. I would feel fed up in your shoes, but I also know how hard it can be to get the family out the door.

What a load of crap.

TheDearReader · 13/12/2024 07:14

Sound like absolute arseholes and I certainly wouldn’t bother again. Spend the money on a nice family day out. I am supposed to be going to a Christmas brunch on Sunday organised by one of the mums in our group but currently feeling very unwell so if I end up not being able to make it I’ll be sending sincere apologies along with money to cover the food she’d bought for us

NewMrsF · 13/12/2024 07:53

Asking for left overs is wild, I wouldn’t even ask my mum for leftovers 😂
not inviting you in the night out because you’d be prepping for them the next day is awful

Berthatydfil · 13/12/2024 08:17

Meltedcheese2 · 12/12/2024 07:03

I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the advice and kind words. Unbelievably (can't believe I'm typing this) had repeat of the same issue last night when one of the non-attenders messaged me about a night out she was going on (with some of the rest of the group!) asking if I could pick her child up! You will be pleased to know I said no but it has absolutely reinforced something for me 😥. Thanks again.

Good for you.
So you aren’t good enough friends to be invited out with them but you are good enough to ferry her child around??

Stop bothering with these people, they aren't your friends. Stop inviting them and stop doing them favours.

KAT0779 · 13/12/2024 10:51

People are rude, and many just won't commit to plans anymore I've found. Or in your case they commit but just don't turn up. There have been many times we have invited people round and you can tell that they just won't commit in case a better offer comes up. We've had people say they are coming then apparently they are unwell on the day but get tagged in a facebook post of somewhere else they have been on that night. We do get invited to their houses so I don't think its because they don't like us ha.

Mary46 · 13/12/2024 11:33

Yes its time wasting. Maybe a neutral venue best. I do agree people are flaky now. I stopped making plans due to this.

Username8b72 · 13/12/2024 11:34

Meltedcheese2 · 12/12/2024 07:03

I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the advice and kind words. Unbelievably (can't believe I'm typing this) had repeat of the same issue last night when one of the non-attenders messaged me about a night out she was going on (with some of the rest of the group!) asking if I could pick her child up! You will be pleased to know I said no but it has absolutely reinforced something for me 😥. Thanks again.

The way my jaw hit the floor reading this... the audacity! I am so sorry you've been treated in this way. Well done for saying no - first step to setting in a boundary that says you won't be walked over. Stick with the lovely ones who helped at your party.

We live in a very flakey world unfortunately - because we can message people instantly, we think we can drop out of things last minute.

We should hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard - you deserve friends that don't flake, appreciate the effort required for a party (perhaps even offer to help!), and invite you to fun things. And we should do the same for others in return, thats what it means to be a reliable and good friend.

I hope you'll feel empowered that you are worth better friendships. Set those boundaries! Enjoy the freedom of them!

Petrasings · 13/12/2024 12:25

There are two separate issues here. One is that some of the CFs in that group are exploitative piss takers and they will do this to everyone and anyone that will let them. They need jettisoning. It’s not a friendship but purely milked for their convenience only.
They are always, always the ones that also are MIA the minute anyone else needs support or help. Selfish and self absorbed.

There is the wider cultural issue though that as families we are all under so much pressure these days. So many demands. We have to pay such high bills, subsidise so much and also raise a family, care for pets, house, the elderly - that the effort and resources required can be overwhelming. As much as you might like a friend, you simply might not have the necessary energy required to do it all. That happens frequently in my circles and many of us have agreed to be open and honest when life is too much and we can’t make x it has been so good for the friendship. Now we agree to just do our best to come to things, and know we would each be there if we could be. That life isn’t always easy.