Party - are people just rude now

[Meltedcheese2]

Hosted Xmas get together for 30 people on Saturday late afternoon and evening - 12 adults, rest kids.

Feeding everyone so ALOT of work and prep

2 different families didn't turn up (one last minute message, 1 didn't even message just said to a fellow attendee - can you let them know kids playing up so we aren't coming)

2 others turned up completely empty handed and the expected to be waited on hand and foot the entire time and then asked for leftovers to take home!

Is it just me or is this really rude. You've said yes, I've catered for you, cleaned house top to bottom spent an absolute fortune and people just flake last minute or turn up and take the mick.

I absolutely understand if it's illness or family emergency but it wasn't. Just say no and I won't cater for you.

It then emerged during the party that one of the groups hadn't come because a large number of them had all been out together the night before and were.partied out......We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

beware OP that kind of approach may not be easy for you. I am an anti-people-pleaser tbh and i do hold a grudge so it comes naturally to me.

I work on the principle that the amount of hurt/offence someone gives me is the amount they're getting back. Usually when they least expect it :)

Um, no.

It's incredibly rude to turn up to a party at someone's home and not bring anything at all.

There is certain behaviour i was taught growing up that i would do or not towards others

But not everyone is on the same page i will take something to someone place but I don't care if people don't to mine life is too short for me to go through a list of what people have done against a list i create for then it is not the x factor

Every year I have to give myself a stern talking to when I start getting swept up in the John Lewis, M and S advert life that I don't actually live. People don't turn up in sparkly gear with perfect make up and giant gifts and waft about being charmingly festive in my perfectly decorated mansion ( that also doesn't exist).They're generally either half heartedly pleasant or absolute areseholes. There's a spectrum and they'll be somewhere on it. I remind myself of this, plan a quieter Christmas and its much better.

This rudeness is not new behaviour. We organised a New Year's Eve party. We only had a small place, and loads of people asked to stay over. We said sorry, but it doesn't work for us because we have a newborn (who is now 27!). We had loads of people drop out on the day, and I can still remember their words were, "Oh, they'll be other years". They just didn't want to have to have a designated driver, so they dropped us in it when we'd already catered for everyone. There weren't any other years because I never invited them again.

Not to be contrary, but if loads of people had asked to stop over, was this not a hint that perhaps hosting a NYE party at your home wasn't going to work out as planned? Clearly you're not obliged to have overnight guests, but no one's obliged to accept your invitation either (especially if it requires one of the party to be designated driver on NYE).

It's very bad form they dropped out on the day though.

There are the flakes and then there the ones who show up and never look up from their phones. It just gets worse each year.

nobody is expecting a giant perfectly wrapped gift.

I have never ever turned up at someone's invitation without something in my hand which says "thank you for inviting me, here is a small token of my appreciation and thanks for that". It may be chocolates, it may be flowers or a plant or it may be wine. But there will always be something. That is a socially accepted thing to do.

Then they shouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place. It doesn't matter; I didn't bother again.

that is certainly a message. And if they had all said "oh sorry, we all want to drink so thank you for the invitation but we won't be coming" it would have been fine and @SassyRobin would have made less effort to less expense.

But they didn't because they were either dragged up or turned into flakey fuckers as adults.

OP, you continue to be a soft mug and yet expect to attract decent people.

The two do not go together.

Mugs attract users.
Users love mugs because they have zero respect for themselves and accept being treated badly on a loop.

The thing is that people pleasers often burn up with resentment and are quietly seething at how they are treated, which is awful for their mental health.
Yet they continue to behave that way.

Stop focusing on how other people behave and focus on fixing yourself.

People pleasers are deeply unhappy people that end up with few if any friends because they only attract user losers.

Change yourself first.
Build your self esteem.
Stop making little of yourself hosting people who have zero regard for you.
Yes life may be quiet for a while, but so what.

I would rather one decent friend that 10 users in my life.

The choice is yours.
Take responsibility for your choices, your behaviour.

You can do it, you just need to want it.

Yes that is very rude and I’m bored of the constant excuses people are given for bad manners.

You should be cleaning your house for yourself and your family, forget about everyone else.

Not bringing anything is rude, even my friends who have no money bake something cheap or spend a fiver on a tub of chocolates.

The sort of behaviour you describe is unfortunately becoming the norm. I think it's very rude but have learned to go with the flow. We host an annual party each year. I am currently expecting around 30 people but from experience know that at least 6 of them are unlikely to turn up and that's assuming there's no rain or weather warnings! I've found it's the same at any party or family gathering, including our daughter's wedding earlier this year. I keep a list of the unreliable friends and family, assume they are not coming and cater accordingly. Makes the whole event much less stressful.

I don't blame you. It's awful to be left out deliberately from a gathering of people you thought of as friends.

I hope you have other friends. I'd be distancing myself from this lot.

If one spend lots of time, effort and money on organizing an NYE 'do', one would not be unreasonable to expect that guests would consider this worth an Uber fare home.

I'm hosting something similar soon and am bracing myself for all the no shows, particularly as a bunch of people have just replied saying something like

We'll definitely come along if we can

That probably means no doesn't it? Either they'll be busy or they won't be bothered, even though several live on neighboring streets.

We used to have massive parties and it makes me sad that we'll probably have just a few people turn up and it will be awkward and no fun.

We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

OMG! That’s staggeringly rude as Fuck! 😱🤬

I stopped hosting during Covid and never really re-started. I got fed up of putting all that effort in for some people who never reciprocated (even just an invite for coffee would have been nice) or came empty handed and turned into locusts.
Feck ‘em!

We’re actually having our Christmas lunch today with a specific group of friends and all I do now is suggest a date and book the venue. If they decide not to come, no big deal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Choosing where to go is the full extent of my ‘prep’ and I enjoy checking out the menus. I don’t have to bother with an extensive house clean other than the normal pre-Christmas preparations and no breakages etc.

Definitely a win as far as I’m concerned!

I think PP is saying that if you don't want to or are unable to attend something, you should say no upfront (which isn't people pleasing). It's rude to say yes and then flake out at the last minute.

I understood what the pp was saying and agreed with them.

I was offering an explanation for the people who do flake at the last minute and how that can also be a people pleasing behaviour.

Because it is. It doesn't make it any the less rude though.

That's whyi started with 'bizarrely'

@Oodydoody , been there, done it and got the t-shirt. Used to be the hostess with the mostest taking all sorts of crap from utter users.

Barely host these days and have found that going out for dinners and celebrations much more enjoyable. It's lovely being waited on and a hell of a lot cheaper. You really have to reign in that urge to give to others.

However, it is still a bit sad that people can take you for granted if you have put yourself out for them but they are probably the wrong people as you say.

I had someone that would agree to something and then, the next time you saw her, casually mention that she was doing something else. No reference to the plans she had already made with you. Happened a few times. Completely bonkers way of getting out of it!

So sad that people behave like this because it’s got to the stage where barely anyone is bothering to host parties anymore.

I think people are more selfish and rude. Can't remember when I last had a 'party' the closest we have now is family and a few long standing friends.

@allthatfalafel

lol everyone cleans their house when they have visitors especially a dinner party or that kind of gathering. Its the done thing.

i would reply with "i will take that as a no, then" to anyone you really think will flake, and don't include them in your numbers.

Or just assume it and don't cater for them...

ETA: for the pp upthread whose friend would accept an invitation then later talk about something else she was doing on that day, as though the invitation had never existed: did you ever say anything? I would have said "oh how are you going to manage that? do you have a TARDIS or something? because we already have plans on that day"
But that is because i don't mind saying that kind of thing to people who behave like twats.