Party - are people just rude now

[Meltedcheese2]

Hosted Xmas get together for 30 people on Saturday late afternoon and evening - 12 adults, rest kids.

Feeding everyone so ALOT of work and prep

2 different families didn't turn up (one last minute message, 1 didn't even message just said to a fellow attendee - can you let them know kids playing up so we aren't coming)

2 others turned up completely empty handed and the expected to be waited on hand and foot the entire time and then asked for leftovers to take home!

Is it just me or is this really rude. You've said yes, I've catered for you, cleaned house top to bottom spent an absolute fortune and people just flake last minute or turn up and take the mick.

I absolutely understand if it's illness or family emergency but it wasn't. Just say no and I won't cater for you.

It then emerged during the party that one of the groups hadn't come because a large number of them had all been out together the night before and were.partied out......We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

Oh right, I just have my house cleaned on a regular basis because I like it to always be clean.

@Brefugee , the first couple of times I thought I must have got it wrong, my mistake. Then it happened again, the penny dropped, and I called her out on it. I think the term is gaslighting. She stopped doing it and then went on to a catalogue of fantastical excuses. It was laughable in the end. I would wait to see what crap she came up with. She couldn't just say no which would have been totally acceptable to me. The friendship didn't last.

So sorry your ‘friends’ are such arseholes, OP - it’s soul-destroying when you’ve put time, money and effort into a party (and you’re excited about it) and people treat your generosity with such casual indifference.

On occasions where there are loads of guests attending I think people have fewer compunctions about pulling out last minute because they feel their absence won’t make much difference - but to not even let you know in person is just awful behaviour.

Whoever arranged the drinks the night before could have predicted people wouldn’t do two nights on the bounce, so that was pure fuckery on their part and I’d be pissed off enough not to bother with them again. In fact, from your description - especially the lazy fucking freeloaders - I’d not be bothering with any of them for a good while.

Are people in general getting ruder? Yes, without a doubt. Partly because texting and social media make it easier to just change plans on a pinhead, flake or drop out, and lots of people seem to think this is totally acceptable now.

The advent of the selfie seems to have coincided with a massive shift in people’s social orientation. Just the general levels of total and utter self-absorption, performative fakery, the lack of basic manners or giving a shit about anyone else, the justifying of every stripe of rude, selfish behaviour on the basis of mental health or ‘taking care of me’.

But I notice it everywhere. Companies not bothering to even respond to job applications; tradespeople not returning calls - or, even worse, coming to quote then just ghosting you, not even a 2 second text to say they’re not interested.

Maybe I’m just getting old and grumpy - but tbh I’ve been both those things for quite a while and I still think all this kind of BS is getting worse!

Hope Santa brings you some new friends for Christmas, OP.

Hi op I find people have awful manners now! Not replying to texts or invites. Leave you hanging re arrangements. I dont bother planning stuff now. We sooo busy. Lol

@allthatfalafel

theres clean and then there’s guest-ready, hosting clean. They are different, surely you can understand that?

I think a lot of us have people pleasing tendencies.
I am a doer and a fixer and enormously capable, so have to actively pull myself back from my nature to make things better🙄.
It can be done when you are determined to take responsibility for your choices.

Sometimes I slip and am about to put myself out and then I will whoa, slow down, is this really something YOU should be doing? Would that person dream of doing it for you? If not I say no can do or simple not offer.

It is like a muscle, give it enough exercise and it will gain muscle memory and become a habit.

It really can be done.
So many women learn to change because they want to and realised they were doing too much that was not appreciated.

Totally agree @Oodydoody , and a work in progress myself. Mine came from childhood trauma, would literally panic at the thought of saying no to someone, and built up a load of resentment because of it. I'm very good at saying no now and challenging poor behaviour, 😊still working on recognising the CFs in the early stages. Not everyone acts in your best interests.

My house is always guest-ready hosting clean. I'm not really sure what the other type of clean is that you're referring to, that just sounds like it would be "not clean"

I would never host a party , I couldn't take the stress and know for a fact that there would be loads of last minute drop outs and no shows on the day.

I have been a person in the past that agreed to an invite as I was put on the spot , or didn't feel like ' No, that's not for me but have a good time ' was a good enough reason..only to tie myself in knots and stress about it before dropping out far too close to the occasion.

I've also been an attendee at awkward birthday parties and nights out ..one colleagues leaving do immediately springs to mind... where it's quite obvious people just haven't turned up. There's a look of desperation, embarrassment and sadness about the hosts as they anxiously watch the door , willing guests to arrive.

I've started only doing stuff like this externally in a restaurant or similar. If I'm organising, people have to transfer the deposit [because most decent places put a hold on your card] in advance or I confirm only those who have paid by then. The rest can take their chances and call the restaurant directly and see if they can be added to the reservation.
Amazing how a bit of cash focusses peoples minds on whether they want to bail at the last minute.

As for your experience - words fail me. I'd find the most indiscreet person in the group and tell them how upset and disappointed you are at the whole experience and how you were treated. That way they'll at least have no expectation going forwards that you'll rerun it and if you do, and they're not invited they'll know exactly why.

'Sometimes I slip and am about to put myself out and then I will whoa, slow down, is this really something YOU should be doing? Would that person dream of doing it for you? If not I say no can do or simple not offer.
It is like a muscle, give it enough exercise and it will gain muscle memory and become a habit.'

This is SO TRUE! It's a brilliant feeling and a sure sign of healing when you notice yourself edging towards the same old bad habits but you manage to gently challenge yourself and avoid plunging off the cliff

Quite. I hope you enjoyed a lazy Sunday with enough leftovers so you didn’t have to cook. And I wouldn’t invite any of the flaky ones, no-shows or micky-takers again —though that does sound like most of them.

You sound like a lovely person, OP. Maybe these people are fun in other situations but not for inviting into your home? And maybe keep an eye open for new friends.

Menopause unleashed my inner bitch and Covid crowned it.

"I can't be arsed" "fxxk that, not doing it" are the two expressions that go around my head most days.

I have become quite unobliging 😂....i love it.
I highly recommend.

OP, just for context, I have had 13 “thanks” for this post!

I do hate when people cancel because they do something the night before that tires them out/uses up all their money. Especially if you know someone is catering. Yes, that's pretty rude.

Nah. It's rude

Very uncool behaviour on their part. And asking for leftovers when you’ve been a terrible guest seems extra cheeky!

Sorry that happened OP, it must have left you feeling a bit deflated :(

The 'kids playing up' excuse hits a nerve with me.

When they were 12 my DC had a friend, named Mary, and we would invite Mary over for the afternoon or a sleepover. We would get crafts and other things to do ready, the DC would come shopping with me and we would buy ingredients so they and Mary could make a cake or some ice cream. They would be really excited. Then half an hour before Mary came over we would get the phone call of doom. Mary had either not tidied her room, or not finished her homework, or done some other infraction and her mother decided her punishment was not coming over to ours.

It happened several times and I realised Mary's mother was just using us as a punishment device. It got so bad that the last time I was going to invite Mary, DD said 'Why bother. She won't come anyway', so we didn't. And that was the last time we bothered with Mary.

Incidentally Mary's mother never invited my DC over to their house.

We have this experience as well 😥 it's so sad isn't it. I keep reaching out as I think it's the right thing for my little one, but it's so miserable

Awful.

Please don't invite those people again.

Poor Mary. Bet she was always gutted not to be coming over.

BlastedPimples I am sure she was, but what could I do? Carry on inviting her and leaving my DC disappointed? It was always for stuff like not doing her homework as well. I know that's not great, but not 'let's let down your friends and punish them as well' not great.

There's rude - the flaking, not showing up, asking to take leftovers home (😱).
And there's unkind - admitting they had too much fun at the thing they chose to not invite you to to bother turning up at yours. I'm so sorry OP that's just so awful! That would have really hurt my feelings.
Rude can sometimes be forgivable, if you get enough out of the friendship to make it worthwhile for you.
Unkind isn't something you don't want from a friend. And if you take it once they'll dish it out again. Nah, you deserve better OP! 💐

Ugh... Edit button not working, obviously I meant 'Unkind isn't something you don't want from a friend.'