Party - are people just rude now

[Meltedcheese2]

Hosted Xmas get together for 30 people on Saturday late afternoon and evening - 12 adults, rest kids.

Feeding everyone so ALOT of work and prep

2 different families didn't turn up (one last minute message, 1 didn't even message just said to a fellow attendee - can you let them know kids playing up so we aren't coming)

2 others turned up completely empty handed and the expected to be waited on hand and foot the entire time and then asked for leftovers to take home!

Is it just me or is this really rude. You've said yes, I've catered for you, cleaned house top to bottom spent an absolute fortune and people just flake last minute or turn up and take the mick.

I absolutely understand if it's illness or family emergency but it wasn't. Just say no and I won't cater for you.

It then emerged during the party that one of the groups hadn't come because a large number of them had all been out together the night before and were.partied out......We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

Aw OP how rubbish for you, but these people certainly aren’t friends. This is not normal behaviour.
The fact a load of them went out the night before and didn’t invite you is so hurtful.
Then their behaviour actually at your dinner party is horrid, I could not imagine turning up to something like that without at the very least bringing a bottle of wine! To turn up empty handed as well and be so cheeky as to ask for leftovers! And then the no shows… I have no words!
I host a similar event the first weekend of every December for around 16. Everyone brings a dish, everyone helps tidy up and everyone wraps leftovers and puts it in my fridge at the end of the night, reminding me that it’s the hosts privilege to enjoy all the food the next day!

@allthatfalafel

yeah I must have an unclean house cos I always clean and tidy ahead of guests coming 🤨

Thankyou. They sound lovely! Two of the couples were awesome and did just this - I will stick to them next time x

Thanks this is really helpful. Am making note of everyone's advice. Thankyou

Aw that’s good- they are your true friends. It’s hard when you’re in a big group, but focus your time and energy now onto the two lovely couples that helped, and get some nice events need with them in 2025, and give less energy to the rubbish ones!
Hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Thanks so much - and you x

organise gorgeous fun events and trips in 2025 with the nice families and leave the others out. It’s easier in smaller groups anyway. The scavenging for left overs and organising a rival event ones can get to fuck!

That's horrible!

I note you say "cleaned" , so I'm assuming you are not doing that yourself to have it always "guest-ready". Personally I couldn't live in a house where you can't even put anything down. One of my DC had a friend who's mum was like that. I was picking up my DC one afternoon after a visit and she yelled at her son for leaving drops of water on the sink draining board after he had washed his glass. Nope. Can't be dealing. If I had the money for a magic fairy to come in every day and have my house like a show home I still don't think I'd do it. I like comfy and lived in.
Then , of course, you have the 2 hour runaround like a mad thing before the guests arrivve but that's half the fun. "Kids, set the table and vacuum, I'm off to check the bathroom is spotless, Dh do the bloody dishwasher now not in an hour!"

and @allthatfalafel even if you have a weekly cleaner you would still have to clean loads in between them coming to have guest ready home. But maybe our standards as to what constitutes guest ready is different?

It’s not you. Most definitely the height of flaky rudeness.

Last year I had 30 people confirmed for a Christmas party at home. Like you, I cleaned, decorated, catered with a lovely table of food and beverages for everyone’s tastes, organised a family quiz event and even created a lucky dip for guests to leave with.

On the event day, from 4pm onwards, texts started to arrive, “sorry, can’t come now”, “don’t think we can make it”, “we’re knackered after a busy day”, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

In the end 7 people turned up. I was gutted, deeply disappointed and felt let down by people who had all confirmed attendance. I felt embarrassed for those who did turn up.

I’m never going to hold another Christmas party at home again. I’ve held them previously and there’s always a 10% no-show but this was humiliating and was a waste of food and money. People just don’t seem to think about the time, effort and cost that goes into creating these events.

if you’re somebody who knows they’re likely to flake at the last moment then don’t confirm your attendance. It’s better for a host to tailor an event to a smaller number of people from the beginning than a larger number of people where some will flake and create a wasted expense.

That’s outrageously rude, and their children will grow up to be just the same. Over the years we have watched this happen time and again. 30% turn out. At our parties we now over invite and expect loads of cancellations on the day, and build them into expectations, but to not even message an apology - they would be banished from all future events! Extraordinary behaviour.

I found girls nights out were much easier with less work and less expectation. I tend to focus on picnics and bbqs in the summer with low cost and low expectations. It saves my blood pressure. I wouldn’t stop, as it’s great for (most) children to learn how to socialise properly and relax (avoiding social anxiety later on) and they become confident and competent hosts, as well as having fun with their friends.

I would remember this and choose not to invite them again. Continue with the nicer friends and invite new families instead.

Who are these people? Wonder if they are the same ones that end up complaining about being "lonely" and having no friends? My grandad always said "to have a friend you have to be a friend" and thats very true.

I had a big birthday recently invited 60 ish had about 45 ish it was fine but there were heck of alot of drop outs and no shows. Had enough for a good party - just. Never putting myself through that stress again. I know who my friends are who turn up, muck in and are there for me - I shall only be making an effort for them going forward. They are precious. Everyone else can sod off.

Asked for leftovers?!

The cheeeeeek

I think generally people are so much ruder and thoughtless now. People don't seem to condised other people's feelings. Sending you hugs.

I have just lost a lifelong best friend (cancer) I spoke to most days and sat with her in hospital during her last week plus. Someone - X - turned up to see her and asked who I was. X told me I couldn't be much of a friend as she didn't know me. I refrained from responding but tX was a recent contact of my friend through an online interest group they were both part of (something I was not part of!). I just told X I would go and get a drink - no point in responding to such rudeness!!! She didn't visit again, but I stalked the online group where X was grieving for her close friend. Self centred or what??

I think if you want people to help you have to ask them. When we host we don't want anyone to bring anything or clear up... that's on us. Equally if I go to someone's house for a planned event I don't expect to help them unless they ask, or it's the kind of event where everyone is expected to chip in. I'd be pretty miffed about not being asked out the night before though if you're a close gang. And yes, not letting you know they can't come is rude, but people always drop out... it's to be expected. I wouldn't dwell on it too much.

Leave the problem kids at home and one parent stays behind and one goes to the party.

Except it was probably an excuse (lie) not to go.

When did people start having to be asked to bring a bottle of wine to a party?

Dump these crappy friends if you feel able to - if you can’t at least stop hosting them! Get tougher or people will walk all over you again and again.

Not inviting you to the night before was extremely rude.

Not bringing a gift may be rude or may be mismatched expectations - some people will want alcohol/ chocolates / flowers / specific food for the event. Others really won't (eg. any household with an alcoholic / anyone with coeliac / anyone with serious food allergies etc).

Same with asking for leftovers - some hosts would be delighted at having much less to deal with afterwards. Others might have plans - for eg. bubble and squeak the next day.

You can make the obvious-to-you expectations explicit.

And for people dealing with many fewer people turning up than you were expecting, you can probably juggle the catering so that food is cooked in batches and the stuff that is surplus to requirements doesn't get cooked at all and can be saved for a different day. Might take some planning but better than huge amounts of food waste + maybe emotionally easier - you're prepared for anywhere from 25 - 90% of your expected guests.

Not turning up after committing unless you have a flipping good reason (and if a problem with a kid its unlikely to need both of you is it)
Arriving empty handed
Asking for left overs

Are all inexcusable and signs of being a shit person basically.

Those antics sound like my ex-husband-to-be’s family! Their antics are part of my reasoning for divorce.

That would seriously piss me off, we all know you can get a cold at this time of year, but that wasn't it!

I can't stand the excuse we are not coming because the children have been playing up.

@Meltedcheese2 I am sorry to hear this happened to you. You are definitely not being unreasonable and are sadly not alone. It's kinda the reason I don't bother to host these sorts of things anymore. It's stressful and then when people let you down you have to carry on smiling for those that did! I honestly don't understand what is wrong with some people these days. They commit to something or are the ones to issue the invite and then either don't turn up, decline at the last minute or expect you to organise! I completely despair and have started to just do things on my own or only with reliable folks and then when they hear about it, they say why didn't you invite me I would have loved to go. Feck off!