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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party - are people just rude now

184 replies

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 05:57

Hosted Xmas get together for 30 people on Saturday late afternoon and evening - 12 adults, rest kids.

Feeding everyone so ALOT of work and prep

2 different families didn't turn up (one last minute message, 1 didn't even message just said to a fellow attendee - can you let them know kids playing up so we aren't coming)

2 others turned up completely empty handed and the expected to be waited on hand and foot the entire time and then asked for leftovers to take home!

Is it just me or is this really rude. You've said yes, I've catered for you, cleaned house top to bottom spent an absolute fortune and people just flake last minute or turn up and take the mick.

I absolutely understand if it's illness or family emergency but it wasn't. Just say no and I won't cater for you.

It then emerged during the party that one of the groups hadn't come because a large number of them had all been out together the night before and were.partied out......We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

OP posts:
LivelyMintViper · 10/12/2024 07:25

It seems to be the same with children's parties. My friends young son invited the entire class. My son was the only one that turned up. Not only rude but cruel

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 07:30

I agree, OP, but I also note you say you're a people.pleaser? This rarely serves anyone well!

Tbh, I'd struggle to think of 30 people I'd like or be comfortable enough with to want to host (especially with a large number of childen in the mix). They've regarded you as hosting one of their optional social engagements this Christmas and not considered the time, money or effort you've put into it.

In future, I'd stick to inviting people who are actual friends and don't just fall under the umbrella of people you know. Even if you know them quire well.

TheForestCalls · 10/12/2024 07:31

I think this is the norm now. It's very rude.

Ilovemyshed · 10/12/2024 07:32

Happyinarcon · 10/12/2024 06:08

This is a difficult time of year. I can imagine people feeling they’d like to come along and then actually feeling exhausted on the day, or having a neurodiverse kid that needs coaxing to get out of the house. People are under a lot of pressure. I would feel fed up in your shoes, but I also know how hard it can be to get the family out the door.

But that does not excuse the rudeness of a lack of message to pull out last minute.

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 07:39

It’s not great but to be expected when hosting. If you want contributions tell people, if kids are playing up I’d be understanding.
People are so quick to turn on their friends these days.

grafittiartist · 10/12/2024 07:41

Yep- had a party last month.
At least 15 people cancelled or didn't show. Flakey.
It didn't look too bad in the venue- but it had put me in a funny mood when I was sitting be celebrating, and enjoying the people that had come.

Wheredidileavemycarkeys · 10/12/2024 07:50

It’s not great but hardly horrible behaviour as others have suggested. Thoughtless maybe.

Don’t host these massive parties if they stress you out so much.

KimberleyClark · 10/12/2024 07:59

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 07:39

It’s not great but to be expected when hosting. If you want contributions tell people, if kids are playing up I’d be understanding.
People are so quick to turn on their friends these days.

Are you one of these people who would not bother to turn up and not bother to explain why?

Jumell · 10/12/2024 08:08

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 06:44

Thanks ever so. Really appreciate the advice. I was really upset about the night before. I am a bit of a people pleaser and often have wake up moments like this - and then go back to being a people pleaser 🙈

I can totally sympathise. I’m a people pleaser and it’s SO hard to break out of… isn’t it ?

Jumell · 10/12/2024 08:13

NigelHarmansNewWife · 10/12/2024 06:54

Now you know who not to invite to your next party. Bloody hell they are takers not inviting you because you were prepping for them for the next day.

This would hurt the most I think - they clearly prioritised their night out over your party - you’ll feel a sense of relief cutting them out

TunipTheVegimal24 · 10/12/2024 08:14

The plus side is, it seems you have 22 people's worth of family friends, which is good going!

The others are gross though. I think this is the sort of thing that puts people off hosting x

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2024 08:15

Yanbu.

To the people pleasers... I'm crossing fingers for you that it's your age...for me I was always the people pleaser, always the host, watching other people have a good time on my money and time and not reciprocating and then I got to 40 and started saying no. No I can't do the PTA raffle. No, I'm not hosting you as you never reciprocate. I found a new group of friends now and we all take turns.

Those people are rude. There's no excuse. As to the poster who spoke of ND, as a teacher I'm bordering on fed up of it, as are all my colleagues 'he's ND so he's allowed to disrupt the entire class and make sure no one learns anything.'

LibertyLouLou · 10/12/2024 08:16

Friends don't do that.

Onceachunkymonkey · 10/12/2024 08:16

Was it something like a kids party or class party op? Sometimes people do behave differently round them,

AngelinaFibres · 10/12/2024 08:17

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 06:44

Thanks ever so. Really appreciate the advice. I was really upset about the night before. I am a bit of a people pleaser and often have wake up moments like this - and then go back to being a people pleaser 🙈

There are lots of videos online ( tik tok ) about reframing your brain as a people pleaser. I have found them very useful. I am really enjoying being a person who is no longer a people pleaser. It's been a revelation.
Big events that one person takes responsibility for always seem a good idea in the run up to Christmas. But, as you know well, they are expensive and exhausting for the host and there is always a high chance that people will drop out because, with all the other Christmas stuff,they just can't face it. I have found it nicer to invite people in smaller chunks. Just yourselves and one other part of the family at a time. Sometimes we meet at a venue. We pay for us ,they pay for them. Other times we'll have 3 or 4 people for cake at our house. Less cost,less faff less stressful for everyone. No one has ever cancelled, the children are better behaved. It's altogether more relaxed. Perhaps you might try that option rather than a huge 'do'.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2024 08:19

Wheredidileavemycarkeys · 10/12/2024 07:50

It’s not great but hardly horrible behaviour as others have suggested. Thoughtless maybe.

Don’t host these massive parties if they stress you out so much.

She didn't say they stressed her out.

She said it's a lot of work and finances (which it is) and that it's thus exceptionally rude to not respect that (which it is).

FoxtonFoxton · 10/12/2024 08:19

I wouldn't bother doing it again next year. Save your money and go out for dinner instead or to a christmas lights trail or something. Sadly yes, some people are just rude. Nothing else to it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/12/2024 08:20

Who on earth has voted YABU OP?! You’re not being unreasonable, not in the slightest

UndeniablyGenX · 10/12/2024 08:20

I think you did well to get all but two of the families turning up these days, with people's tendency to drop out of things last minute with weak excuses.

Turning up empty-handed is ill-mannered, you'd expect a token gift or contribution, even if only a small box of chocs.

Unless you'd announced the leftovers were going in the bin, it's just odd to ask for them.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 10/12/2024 08:21

Are these people you are close too? Or acquaintances you are trying to build a relationship with?

There’s definitely something odd about the relationship dynamic. They went out together without inviting you, and then didn’t bother to turn up to your event. They are leaving you out of the group.

If you’ve not known them long maybe it would be good to look for a different group of friends.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2024 08:23

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/12/2024 08:20

Who on earth has voted YABU OP?! You’re not being unreasonable, not in the slightest

That'll be the people who do exactly what some people did to the op.
They need to be able to blame the op/host somehow so they dont have to reflect.

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 08:24

The thing is though.. there could be another thread where someone doesn’t want to go to a meal/party and the majority will say not to go.

peppeRomia · 10/12/2024 08:25

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 07:39

It’s not great but to be expected when hosting. If you want contributions tell people, if kids are playing up I’d be understanding.
People are so quick to turn on their friends these days.

OP wasn't asking for contributions towards feeding her** guests, she'd done all that herself, but who on earth turns up at a party or invitation to a meal empty-handed? Nobody with manners, that's for sure.

Timeforaglassofwine · 10/12/2024 08:26

I might be imaging it, but I feel as though Covid changed behaviours? I have to say though, I don't have anyone I consider close to who would just be a no show without warning. I do tend to be more selective about my friends now - good thing I have a big extended family!
The neurodiverse comments made me smile, a significant minority of one side of my family have some form of ADHD or autism (as a genetic thing), and neither they or their parents don't use it as an excuse to be rude. Maybe because we all get each other.

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 08:26

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 08:24

The thing is though.. there could be another thread where someone doesn’t want to go to a meal/party and the majority will say not to go.

This is true.

They would advise letting the host know first but they would be saying that.

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