Page 3 | Party - are people just rude now

peppeRomia · 10/12/2024 08:26

No idea where the ** came from!

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 08:27

Timeforaglassofwine · 10/12/2024 08:26

I might be imaging it, but I feel as though Covid changed behaviours? I have to say though, I don't have anyone I consider close to who would just be a no show without warning. I do tend to be more selective about my friends now - good thing I have a big extended family!
The neurodiverse comments made me smile, a significant minority of one side of my family have some form of ADHD or autism (as a genetic thing), and neither they or their parents don't use it as an excuse to be rude. Maybe because we all get each other.

I don't think covid has anything to do with it. I think it's just a convenient reference point.

Ther were still threads like this due to behaviours like these before covid.

Like so many other threads that ask if something has changed since covid. No it hasn't but because there was a significant break during covid, people can't really remember what it was like beforehand.

UndeniablyGenX · 10/12/2024 08:27

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 08:24

The thing is though.. there could be another thread where someone doesn’t want to go to a meal/party and the majority will say not to go.

I don't think people would say it was fine to drop out on the day, barring genuine severe illness, accident or emergency.

If you don't want to go, say so when invited or at least with reasonable notice.

ThisAquaCrow · 10/12/2024 08:32

As a fully recovered people pleaser, this is now normal behaviour and as you can see on your thread, there are people who will justify it.

Like a previous poster, getting older has divested me of people pleasing tendencies. Whilst it’s lovely to have large gatherings, people are rude and fickle. Prioritise yourself and people you count as real friends.

ThisAquaCrow · 10/12/2024 08:33

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 08:24

The thing is though.. there could be another thread where someone doesn’t want to go to a meal/party and the majority will say not to go.

And?

It just proves the point that people are rude and flakey 😉

Chattie89 · 10/12/2024 08:37

This is horrible OP I'm so sorry. You sound lovely going to all that trouble for them. Trust me I've known people like this, it's shit and there is NO excuse. Everyone is capable of sending a text first thing in the morning apologising profusely and saying we can't make it, so sorry, have a fab time and see you soon. Showing up empty handed and behaving like gracing you with their presence is so wonderful = equally shit and rude. I'd really take a step back from this lot and certainly not bother hosting again.

SassyRobin · 10/12/2024 08:38

Well clearly they've behaved poorly (you don't turn up to a house party empty handed and ask for leftovers!!) but it strikes me as odd that these same friends didn't invite you out the evening before.

Perhaps they're not as close as you think? It's poor form to not show up without contacting you directly, but it's possible they considered the event optional if you're more acquaintances than friends.

You seem to have quite different values to these people (I can see why) so I would perhaps forget to invite them next year and host a smaller event for people who do share the same values...

Toopulululu · 10/12/2024 08:38

Terrible behaviour and there really is no excuse for it, especially the no-shows with no contact. Some of the excuse making above is pathetic.

If I’ve said I’ll attend something, particularly when it’s something someone will have spent time, money and effort on, I attend. If I don’t “fancy it” on the day (which is often), I still go. I usually find I have a much better time than I was expecting.

If I find I can’t go for a very good reason, I contact the person and explain as soon as possible.

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

None of the above is complicated or particularly onerous, and it’s just rude not to do it.

CrackmasterJ · 10/12/2024 08:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EachpeachpearplumIspytomthumb · 10/12/2024 08:39

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 07:39

It’s not great but to be expected when hosting. If you want contributions tell people, if kids are playing up I’d be understanding.
People are so quick to turn on their friends these days.

I’d be understanding if the parents had messaged to let me know. Plain rude to just not text.

Brefugee · 10/12/2024 08:39

that last lot!! I would most definitely be saying something to them.

BrightonFrock · 10/12/2024 08:40

You placed an obligation and a set of expectations on others who were not up for it and don’t follow the same social rules as you do. That’s on you.

Eh? OP invited them to a party. They said yes. It’s not unreasonable to think that means they’re coming. You’re making it sound like she tried to force them to sign a marriage contract and provide a dowry of livestock.

AngelinaFibres · 10/12/2024 08:41

Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option

Figgygal · 10/12/2024 08:41

Don't host again for the graspy beggars
The going out without you the night before and not inviting would be it for me

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 08:42

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

Same but, bizarrely, this is also a people pleasing behaviour! And there are a lot of people pleasers around.

I know someone who did it because they just couldn't say no, even if they knew they didn't want to do something or couldn't make it. Then they'd get increasingly stressed out about it and angry if the people let down were disappointed or annoyed by it. Not at them, but I'd get to hear all about their unreasonable expectations!

Like I said, people.pleasong rarely serves anyone well.

SassyRobin · 10/12/2024 08:46

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 08:42

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

Same but, bizarrely, this is also a people pleasing behaviour! And there are a lot of people pleasers around.

I know someone who did it because they just couldn't say no, even if they knew they didn't want to do something or couldn't make it. Then they'd get increasingly stressed out about it and angry if the people let down were disappointed or annoyed by it. Not at them, but I'd get to hear all about their unreasonable expectations!

Like I said, people.pleasong rarely serves anyone well.

I think PP is saying that if you don't want to or are unable to attend something, you should say no upfront (which isn't people pleasing). It's rude to say yes and then flake out at the last minute.

I also had a friend who said yes to every social engagement because she was a people pleaser. It meant she was constantly double booked and as such became very flaky, since you can't be in two places at one time. Conversely by trying not to let everyone down she ended up letting people down a lot!

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2024 08:46

Alongside working in retail, as a waitress, and on the phones in customer service - I wonder if hosting a big party is something everyone should do
So that they have some understanding and don't be arseholes.

Original poster

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 08:47

Onceachunkymonkey · 10/12/2024 08:16

Was it something like a kids party or class party op? Sometimes people do behave differently round them,

No sadly not! Group of friends

OP posts:

Original poster

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 08:48

AngelinaFibres · 10/12/2024 08:17

There are lots of videos online ( tik tok ) about reframing your brain as a people pleaser. I have found them very useful. I am really enjoying being a person who is no longer a people pleaser. It's been a revelation.
Big events that one person takes responsibility for always seem a good idea in the run up to Christmas. But, as you know well, they are expensive and exhausting for the host and there is always a high chance that people will drop out because, with all the other Christmas stuff,they just can't face it. I have found it nicer to invite people in smaller chunks. Just yourselves and one other part of the family at a time. Sometimes we meet at a venue. We pay for us ,they pay for them. Other times we'll have 3 or 4 people for cake at our house. Less cost,less faff less stressful for everyone. No one has ever cancelled, the children are better behaved. It's altogether more relaxed. Perhaps you might try that option rather than a huge 'do'.

Show quote history

Thankyou for this and to everyone for the advice. It's really helpful. I am going to try (I have said that before but I really need to try)

OP posts:

Brefugee · 10/12/2024 08:49

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

Same but, bizarrely, this is also a people pleasing behaviour! And there are a lot of people pleasers around.

But you don't just say "can't come kids are playing up" or worse "pls tell OP that we're not coming" and then never contact the host. That is shit-fuckery

"I'm a people pleaser" is taking on the dimensions of "I'm ND" on MN. Everyone has to make all the allowances for your behaviour while you make none for anyone else.

In OPs case. The non-gift bringers are rude fuckers - don't invite them again and if you get invited to theirs reciprocate in kind.
The texters - ok, fair enough
The "let her know" - no more invitations forthcoming, polite when meeting but if they invite you feel free to sack them off without comment if you get a better offer
The "we didn't invite you because you're prepping"? message all of them - you are fuckers. And then just drop them from invitation lists.

SereneCapybara · 10/12/2024 08:52

I used to be friends with a crowd like that. I'm not any more. They were utterly selfish and manipulative.

Don't dwell on it. Just realise that the empty-handed demanding ones and the ones who didn't invite you never need another minute of your time.

I'd forgive the last minute drop outs. Everyone has nightmare days when plans go pear-shaped and they can't cope with being in public. If the kids were playing up it was kind of them not to inflict them on you. And kids often play up before coming down with an illness.

SereneCapybara · 10/12/2024 08:55

I had the opposite last year. Big and fancy sit down Christmas dinner party to which flaky friend never replied. At the last minute I thought - I bet they turn up anyway so I laid two extra places, and in they waltzed.

SassyRobin · 10/12/2024 08:55

@GreyCarpet sorry just reread your post and think we're saying the same thing!

Not had my morning caffeine yet 😅

Original poster

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 08:58

Brefugee · 10/12/2024 08:49

If someone invites me to something that I can’t attend or I just don’t want to, I tell them immediately. I don’t say yes and then flake at the last second.

Same but, bizarrely, this is also a people pleasing behaviour! And there are a lot of people pleasers around.

But you don't just say "can't come kids are playing up" or worse "pls tell OP that we're not coming" and then never contact the host. That is shit-fuckery

"I'm a people pleaser" is taking on the dimensions of "I'm ND" on MN. Everyone has to make all the allowances for your behaviour while you make none for anyone else.

In OPs case. The non-gift bringers are rude fuckers - don't invite them again and if you get invited to theirs reciprocate in kind.
The texters - ok, fair enough
The "let her know" - no more invitations forthcoming, polite when meeting but if they invite you feel free to sack them off without comment if you get a better offer
The "we didn't invite you because you're prepping"? message all of them - you are fuckers. And then just drop them from invitation lists.

Love this list, thanks!

OP posts:

Elfie111 · 10/12/2024 09:00

Meltedcheese2 · 10/12/2024 05:57

Hosted Xmas get together for 30 people on Saturday late afternoon and evening - 12 adults, rest kids.

Feeding everyone so ALOT of work and prep

2 different families didn't turn up (one last minute message, 1 didn't even message just said to a fellow attendee - can you let them know kids playing up so we aren't coming)

2 others turned up completely empty handed and the expected to be waited on hand and foot the entire time and then asked for leftovers to take home!

Is it just me or is this really rude. You've said yes, I've catered for you, cleaned house top to bottom spent an absolute fortune and people just flake last minute or turn up and take the mick.

I absolutely understand if it's illness or family emergency but it wasn't. Just say no and I won't cater for you.

It then emerged during the party that one of the groups hadn't come because a large number of them had all been out together the night before and were.partied out......We didn't ask you to come as we knew you'd be busy arranging this......

Honestly you’re right and I find this more and more. People have lost any notion of being polite that was once commonplace. I find it weird and rude. Maybe I’m old fashioned but the time and energy and love you put into creating something selflessly for others who then frankly don’t give a toss. It’s strange and really shows a lack of class on their part.

It’s an honour to be invited to such events. Some people are selfish and grabby but I find people these days to be generally worse in many ways.

♥️