Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

To late to edit but on reading this back, I realise how it sounds.

I wasnt actually expecting her to have the kids. When I told her I was going back to work, I had already organised paid for childcare in an official setting. I was pissed off that she totally rewrote history in order to justify not offering to help me out.

I have never forgiven her for implying that she did something she didnt do, and suggesting that if she could work 2 half days a week, with a supportive husband and family who gave free childcare, then I could work full time as a single parent and no family help!

@TheCalmQuail

But at no point do they seem to question, how did we do this when it got hard, who helped us? I find it all very self centered.

I think maybe they didn't enjoy full time parenting & were happy to hand you over to their parents so they could get a break. So they are probably the same now.

It’s a shame as they will miss out as the children get older & easier to handle. They won't have a close relationship.

Younger grandparent here - with a full time job and still paying off my mortgage as will many of my generation and yours be whilst also becoming grandparents. I provide what help I can and love to do so, but there's limits. I suspect this will become the norm very rapidly, as my age group becomes grandparents, if they're lucky enough to, whilst facing a retirement age of 68 and high house prices meaning buying later and with long mortgages.

However, if the grandparents in your scenario are under 59, fully retired and enjoy regular lavish long holidays in good health, then yeah, they should pull some weight and get more involved!

Working until much later, or a lot older when they become grandparents

There is been a seismic change in the age demographic of grandparents. And that's without getting into the employment difference.

My grandmother became a grandparent, aged 42

My mother became a grandparent at 52

I became a grandparent at 63

I don't do regular childcare (though I help with nursery costs) but I do have the GCs for days when their parents shifts clash, and there are random other needs. I love it, but I'm exhausted at the end, in a way that I'm confident that my grandmother wasn't when I was a child.

Yes I completely agree with you OP.

Me and my partner have often commented on this. It just made us feel less guilty when we eventually moved a distance away from the grandparents. It was clear that no decent help was forthcoming. Don't get me wrong, they idolise their grandchildren but are quite happy to grandparent from afar with the occasional pop in visit (well until we moved). It's the lack of proactiveness that gets me. They'll babysit at a push if asked but will make sarcastic comments and will do the absolute bare minimum and are so quick to hand them back. And there's no calling and asking if they can take them xyz. Makes me feel like they're an inconvenience. And they're good kids, no harder work than your average.

When I was younger they both worked but never needed to pay for childcare. They watched us when our kids were younger scrimp and spend the huge majority of our joint income on childcare and never offered to help.

Anyway like I said made our decision to move away easier.

I can't wait to have grandchildren and will be getting involved as much as I can. I feel like a lot of our generation will.

Yes.
Not my parents, who see DC fairly regularly and help about once a month, but MIL had all the help in the world, her child looked after multiple times every week for 15 years! Has never looked after DC once.
I'm sure she'll still expect some help in old age.

On here it's if you want to see your grandchildren do as you are fucking told.

Yep. SO many threads and posts like that on Mumsnet.

I think it's mainly an age thing and a working thing - did your grandmother work a full time job that she had fairly recently retired from, or had she been a SAHM for some time? How does your mum's age compare with your grandmothers for the same age children?

Seriously though, I don't understand this thread. When my kids were small (late 80s, early 90s) I didn't know anyone whose parents did childcare to cover work. There were no grandparents at playgroup, or the school gates. Just mums and childminders.

Now grandparents seem to carry the responsibility. Nearly all my friends are doing at least part time child care. In school holidays you see grandparents everywhere, looking knackered with their grandkids in tow.

So yep, I think the premise of the OP is wrong.

My parents were incredible with my 3 DC's - even though still working themselves. I appreciate this even more now as we have our DGChild3 regularly (around 5 days pm plus slpovers/nursery pickups) & we're older/working ptime & knackered! But would crawl nekkid oooer broken glass to spend 5 mins with him

But yes - it must be disappointing for you, even though you're aware it's NOT mandatory for them to do anything/more - it WOULD be brilliant

I agree. I do see more grandparent support now than my mum got from her parents for example.
I do wonder if the people saying that their parents got a lot of grandparent support that they are 'not passing on' consider if their parents weren't particularly into parenting in the first place and hence unlikely to want to spend a lot of time with grandkids!

Wow! I love the sweeping generalisations posters are making about entire generations!

To put the other side, I'm in my sixties and had children late, so I probably won't be a grandparent for a while yet, but when I do, I will do my best, but I doubt I will have the energy or head-space to be the sort of GP I would like to be, for the following reasons, many of which apply to my friends too:

• I had children in my late thirties so I will probably be fairly old when my GC arrive
• I will be tired because I worked for a long time and still have to work five more years before I retire *I will probably need to keep a side hustle going post retirement
• I parented about five times more intensively than my parents did in the seventies
• I also looked after my elderly parents and helped to look after my dh's elderly parents
• My DH and I won't have had a break from family life because our adult DC will probably be living at home again after doing their masters
• Many families are separated by geography

(My family are spread all over the UK and Europe so we didn't get any help from our parents either and frankly we didn't expect it!)

So tell me, those of you who are pissed off with your parents for not helping enough, when do women nowadays catch a break? Or don't you think they are entitled to one?

We have helped with childcare for our granddaughters since they were tiny. One day a week until they started school and we do school pickup one day a week and are not the only GPs there. By contrast my mum did little to help me when my DC were small although she lived a long way away and we were the ones who moved so totally understand why. There should be a balance between living your own life as retirees but still support our families.

I'm on a train and only one stop from home, so it's difficult to read and c & p accurately. But a quick Google is already taking me to research that confirms that FAR more grandparents are doing childcare for working parents than were a generation (or two generations) ago. And that they're significantly older.

I'm sorry that many of you have uninvolved parents, but that really isn't the trend, statistically.

Which generation are we talking about?
50/60/70 year olds?
Which?
Because we all have different experiences

Yeah if they were always offloading their own kids on to their parents you'd hardly expect them to want to be lumbered with the grandkids.

How old is she, as a matter of interest?

I am in my 70s. I worked when I first had grandchildren but got more involved as more arrived and I retired early.
By the last one I was doing childcare so parents could both work and I was free.
I still do school runs
I still have them for tea
I still babysit whenever asked.

Most of my friends are equally available when they can be

Don't tar us all with the same brush

Oh. And I had zero help as my mother died years before I even met my DH and my MiL died shortly after I married.
I only visited my gran once a week with my cousins. She never looked after me.

So generalisations are just that. Generalisations

https://www.informationnow.org.uk/article/grandparent-issues

Providing childcare for your grandchildren
In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82%. Almost two-thirds of all grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren.

ETA please ignore the weird link to Hansard that's inserted itself below. I can't get rid of it. It's the link at the start of my OP that I've quoted.

We're surrounded by doting grandparents. Neighbours who have picked up the grandchildren and busy playing happily in the gardens nearby. Playgrounds full of multi generations where you can hear "Grandad get it for you..." etc.
Mother and toddler groups are at least half grandparents with the odd childminder.
Aunts and uncles are also a big factor, we've often had things postponed because uncle Jack is taking his DN (my kids friends) to London to see a show.
And my DC has to experience all of this around and asks "can we see Nanny and Grandad?" Which often results in weeks of planning and most of the time one of them doesn't turn up/goes out when we go visit despite the 3/4 hour drive.

My mum lives abroad, adores my kids but refuses to visit us. She is retired and just sits at home all day. I work full time and am run ragged and would love for her to come over and just hang out with us - not even doing any childcare - but she doesn’t. I resent using my limited holiday time to go and visit her when she could so easily come and see us - we travel to her 2-3 times a year but I would just love to see her more. So yeah, disappointing.

My PILs are really active and present for SIL’s kids who live near by, and do loads of free childcare for them during term time (SIL is a teacher). This means that they are exhausted come the holidays so when they do come and see us (we live about 4 hrs away) they make it clear that they don’t want to do any babysitting. They’ve never had our kids ever.

My kids love their grandparents but I do feel completely shortchanged sometimes. Our siblings are shit too so we have no support from anyone.

She's older, 70 next year. So ors understandable to certain extent. If you read my full OP you'll see that I didn't tar all grandparents "with the same brush"

My Mum did a huge amount of babysitting for both my kids and my sisters. She worked part-time, could do both school drop off and pick up (the school was 2 mins walk away) letting both me and sister work full-time.

But, now me and my sister are the Grannies, we are working full-time and financially could not work less and keep up our standard of living (2 cars, holidays, house, saving for GC Uni fees etc). Compared to my Mum paying a Council rent, no car, no abroad holidays etc it's just not comparable now.

I would love to be a part time worker and do daily Granny duty but it won't happen until I retire and by then, they probably won't need me.

I’m not sure that is the case. Growing up I wasn’t aware of any friends who had grandparents around/involved. Going to baby groups/parks etc I’ve met many GPs who are very involved. I met GPs who home school 3 children! I don’t think the opposite to you merely that some GP help and some don’t but I’m not convinced this has changed over time. Given the proportion of older people working longer you’d think there would be less capacity if anything. I do think in general it’s sad to hear GP aren’t involved. My parents aren’t very interested, have met my infant children three times and my father didn’t even want to hold the babies. My MIL was apparently very hands on and loving but sadly passed away and FIL died long ago. I’d love to have a GP figure in our children’s lives.