Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

I was chatting with a colleague the other day and she said her teen missed out on a Christmas temp job stacking shelves because she had to submit a video application, and she just didn't feel confident enough. Stuff like this often gets tarred with "lazy, entitled youth" but it's really not always the case. Modern expectations are so much higher.

Modern expectations of young people have also changed. Having to give reality checks to people at interviews is my reason for saying this. At least one thing Boomers had going for them was that they were willing to start at the bottom, they were willing to see a job as a foot in the door and 'a job is a job'. Now young people want their dream job straight away, they want to go straight into a job that most people have to work their way up to, with a salary they don't have the experience for, they won't accept a job for the sake of having a job while they work on their goals. Obviously that's not everyone but it seems to be a lot. I do know Millennials who also observe this and agree it tends to be true.

Graduate recruitment in the 80s included all the above except video submissions IME. The processes were not particularly different in 70s judging from comments of older staff.

18+ management training schemes for big companies also had "rounds" of interviews/assessments.

There was also precious little employment protection so it was very easy to sack people for relatively minor issues (like complaining if the boss touched you up or was racist).

Basic "shop floor" jobs required written application and an interview and often an aptitude test of some sort. I can remember doing all those for a "shelf stacking job" on Saturdays when I was a teen.

Read any job advert now and most entry level / decent wage jobs require a good degree AND experience. That simply wasn't the case for previous generations. Entry level jobs today and entry level job opportunities from previous generations are not the same. It is harder. That is a fact.

Yes. No one is arguing with that. However, it shouldn’t be the case. It’s all become a degree required when it shouldn’t actually be required. I would say most of my kids shouldn’t have needed their degrees (esp those in various aspects of finance). They did so in order to get jobs but shouldn’t have. My family had extremely bright people back in the day who did the same sort of work with no degree whatsoever but caught on quickly on the job and also swiftly rose through the ranks. Why now, you need super expensive degrees to achieve the same is baffling.

It’s also not as though people come out of uni 1/smarter, or more analytical, or 2/ prepared for the workplace after a degree. I have found the quality becoming woeful over the years. Limited critical thinking, lateral thinking, initiative etc. Very good at being intensively tutored and gaming exams due to paying for extensive specialised prep though. Get to the real life workplace and they are such disappointments. Edited to add, people saying it’s because workplaces don’t want to train but want people already trained? I’ve not seen this, seem to have to baby them and training burden is higher than ever.

My mum is amazing and fully wants a close relationship with my children and stay very present in my life and that of my sibling and family too. She will offer to do things and help out even if it's not a necessity but just helpful to do so.

I would be gutted if I can't do the same with my grandchildren regardless of whether they are my daughter's children or my own.

I can't understand those who don't. I mean, each to their own, but I don't get it.

Thank you! I am allowed to feel hurt and disappointed by it.

My mum and PIL help out a fair bit with childcare, because they want to and enjoy it. My mum used to work in a nursery and was a SAHM so she really thrives on child rearing. I flat out do not enjoy it. I can’t imagine I will want to do more than the odd bit of babysitting for my grandkids – I just don’t want to and I shouldn’t be obligated too, regardless of what my parents or PIL do for me. They aren’t connected. Nor would I want the help from them if I had to wrangle to get it. It’s enjoyment based only.

My thanks to my mum and PIL is helping them with whatever they need from me. Not me helping my kids with child rearing in the future.

I can relate to OP's original thread, grand parents on both sides of our family are absolutely useless with our kids.

They have all been retired for years, have a few minor hobbies but generally do barely anything of importance all day. They are just very self-centered and quite lazy as well.
An example (from ILs but my family is the same), is that MIL went M.I.A. for 6 months after the birth of our first kid because she was getting her living room and bathroom renovated, and supervising the work was too much 😂. She had promised to help all my pregnancy and then just disappeared to select her new wall paper.

And of course we were offloaded to our own grandparents every single holiday as kids ourselves. Not only because they had to work, my own parents took loads of holidays or weekends away without us as well.

Sounds like my mum! She is moving house and has given up her job so she literally has nothing to do and yet she has stopped seeing or even contacting us because she's so obsessed with furnishing and decorating her new house, and clearing out before she moves... on the rare occasions we do see her it's all she talks about, doesn't even ask after me or the kids.

A parent who sends their own children to the grandparents every single holiday sounds like someone who can't cope with caring for children for any extended period of time. So I am not surprised a parent like this would not take that much interest in grandchildren.

You can tell yourself they're not connected, but your children will know that you took a lot of help that you're not willing to give.
That may be perfectly fine to you, but not so much to them, and they might judge you for it.

I know I judge mine.

I spent a lot of time from age 1-5 at my Nan's , as she didn't work and parents did, and looking back I thought of her as an old person, but I bet she was only just 60.

My earliest memories are of playing at her house at the massive kitchen sink, and watching children's lunchtime TV with a jam sandwich.

I think that was fairly common in the 1970's.

My own parents would be horrified at that much contact with my kid.

There's 'willing' to give and there is 'happy' to give. Absolutely no one should be taking help someone isn't happy to give unless it's an urgent situation. You can be a good grandparent without giving regular and frequent childcare.

There is also 'help' and there is 'spending time with your grandchildren'. My parents didn't receive childcare from their parents other than odd babysitting. I was still extremely close to my nan who spent family time with us and came to visit. That's not childcare.

@Didimum you sound like my my mum! She’s done her time raising kids, didn’t enjoy and now wants to be off doing her stuff. It’s affected our relationship I’m not going to lie.

She isn’t willing to help even in emergency situations, which maybe sounds like you would do.

I have stopped asking for anything and reduce contact as she doesn’t seem interested me or my kids.

I probably feel a bit like this. My kids are pre teen and teens and life is busy. I work full time and while I adore my kids I've never had that much interest in other people's include my nieces and nephews who are lovely kids.
Right now in the thick of things I dream of having more me time, maybe travelling more and sleeping in I spent my 30/ and 40s run final after small kids and then can imagine in 15/20 years time I'll want to commit to regular childcare for small kids. Emergency cover absolutely but I really can't seem me offering to do a couple of days per week etc as I would hate to be tied down in retirement. My mum always said the same abs helps out when stuck but she wouldn't have wanted to be tied down again in get 70s which I absolutely get.

I always feel a bit sorry for grandparents on here who get roasted for now wanting to commit to ongoing childcare . Great if they want to do it but it shouldn't be expected and it doesn't mean someone is selfish if they don't want to go back to shitty nappies and all that goes with it.

Not really the same then. I said I’d help out if urgent and also said I’d do the odd babysitting. But I’m not providing frequent and regular childcare. I also said you can have a good relationship with your grandchild without providing childcare. GPs not being interested is a separate issue.

TBH, it seems like an awful lot of people want childcare from GPs for the financial aspect, not the emotional one.

This is the same generation who spend their time moaning about young people being entitled and having no respect etc, conveniently ignoring the fact that they brought them up…

I think every generation has something to say about the younger generations. Just as the younger generations always have something to say about the older generations (such as this thread). It's a tale as old as time.

What we all had to do was feel the lack of confidence and anxiety and do it anyway. I'd rather a video application than a face to face interview as a teen any day. Not doing something because you don't feel confident enough to give it a go needs to be addressed so she doesn't miss out on opportunities.

I think you're wrong to stereotype an entire generation, certainly without taking into account demographic changes eg. today's grandmothers get grandchildren later in life, they are far more likely to work or have worked outside the home.

My own gran was young (in her 30s when I was born) but was still having babies herself so had no capacity to help my mum. My mum, oldest of 11, spent her childhood looking after siblings and then went straight into being a working single parent of three. She is STILL working (in her 80s) and caring for her mum (still with us!), but is hugely generous in her involvement with her grandchildren.

I broke the family script and had my dc very late. Again, a working single parent. I am now 60 (yes, a boomer) with one still at home, am absolutely bloody knackered and very much doubt I will be able to offer much childcare. It can be hard for younger people to understand how very tired you get.

Oh, and to correct a pp, no our parents did not "all" have nannies and cleaners, that was only ever a privileged minority. I do wish people wouldn't imagine affluent Surrey lifestyles are in any way typical of the boomer generation.

I didn't have any grandparents and by the time I had my own children there were only 2 living GPs. MIL who was in her 80s and over 100 miles away and my DM who had remarried and lived 130 miles away.

DM constantly said she wished she lived closer and could help me but never visited and never ever babysat. I don't think she's ever been in my DDs company alone.

As I'd never had GPs I didn't realise that there was an expectation that help should be given! Even when I became a single parent when DD was 3. I just got on with it. I worked full time in a demanding job so it was often a huge juggle. I had other single mum friends and we helped each other. They are all great friends.

DD is now 16 and has no relationship with my DM. MIL died. So DD has had no GPs in her life. Neither she nor I feel she's missed out. I've spent a fortune on childcare over the years but DD and I have a great relationship and as she's adamant she's not having any children I guess I won't be a GP at all!

My grandparents lived in the same street and I cannot remember being looked after. Remember spending time with my mother and Gran together a lot. I get the impression that this post is about caring as A TASK. It should never be A TASK.
To think about helping each other out is acceptable acceptable but it must be a sign of the times that Grandparents are TASKING the activity of being with grandchildren. It's all well and good to help people but it gets soured as soon as one party feels ' used' . It's not acceptable to feel used and it's a fine line when helping people. I should imagine lots of grandparents are being used as childminders fun must be wearing thin.

It does work the other way too - my DGC live nearby and I’d love to see more of them, be included sometimes in their family outings etc, but very rarely invited. Sometimes I don’t see any of them for three weeks. I always help with childcare when asked and do get invited over for birthdays etc, but I miss the everyday involvement. I know I should ask if I can go with them on outings but I’m too proud …

You could invite them to your house or suggest/organise an outing.

I don't understand wanting to see them more but not being proactive about it.

Spending time with grandchildren doesn't = childcare!

Not in my book anyway but so many of these posts and threads seem to link the two as interchangeable.

Each generation is different. Grandparents were older-quicker going back to my grandparents, they didn't do many things outside the family. It's different now, my Mum is retired now but worked up until 60 and isn't in the best of health. She was really clear about expectations of childcare (none) but emergencies and baby-sitting by arrangement absolutely fine and welcome.

I feel sorry for grandparents now who are expected to fill in a childcare role rather than a grandparent one; the two are not the same either yet some parents really won't have it and write their parents off as selfish. Sad all round.