Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

I completely agree with you OP. What I find particularly difficult is the set of grandparents who claim that we don’t spend time with them but never proactively organise anything and have just chose to move further away. They say they’re always happy to help but never actually offer and are always busy. The other set are brilliant at the nice bits (theatre trips, family holidays, etc). I still think it’s different to the help they had from their parents but it’s genuinely lovely and as a result our kids have a great relationship with them.

When I was a child my GP never looked after me. I think that was probably because my father had a decent job so no need for my mother to work meaning she could do all the childcare.

Now I have a DS his GP don’t really understand why anyone should need any childcare support. They work on the basis that they didn’t need it so why should I.

When I told them I’d spent nearly 50k on nursery fees they just said “that sounds like quite a lot”.

I heard something that really resonated with me about this. If you spent your childhood with your grandparents, your parents will probably be absent grandparents.

I'm 53 and have 4 grandchildren. Eldest is15.By the time I can retire they will be grown up

Other grandparents are at the other end of the scale. Sometimes in their 70s when grandchildren first born

I do take 2 of my GC out for days etc ( seperately) but was never going to be a childminder for them

Yup mine too. Exactly the same!

I think a lot of women who were in their 50s and 60s in the 1990s didn't work and were able to be hands on grandparents. Women in their 50s and 60s now have jobs and just aren't available in the same way.

I grew up in the 1970s and 80s both grandmothers died before my parents married and both grandfathers had young second families (aunts and uncles younger than me) and lived too far away because my parents moved away from their home towns. This is much more common these days. I never met my mum's dad.

I'm in my 50s now and my DSD is 31, but no kids and none likely. But I have a senior role and wouldn't be able to provide childcare if she did have children. Her mum is overseas. Plus my DH and I have to work till we're 70 to pay off our mortgage.

The way that society "works" has radically changed in the last 30 years and unfortunately what was the norm in our childhoods has changed. Women work. People live miles away from where they grew up. And some GPs don't want to interfere.

Have you asked her to take your child for an afternoon?

I know I could ask, and maybe I'm being immature, but I'd like them to want to invest their time rather than me having to strongarm them into it. Ultimately I'd like them to want to spend time with DGC.

I do wonder if it's age related, DM has mentioned offhand about taking DC more when they're "older", but I'm not sure what that means exactly and nothing has materialised and I never pushed. So I wonder if the worry is that a toddler is too much to handle at her age.

I would gladly ditch the long commute to PIL, but it seems unfair on DC as they get so much from the relationship with PILs.

I don’t think anyone should expect grandparents should be regular babysitters so they can work. But helping out when you get stuck, or occasionally on the weekend would be nice.

If you aren’t getting any help, next time your mum asks you for help just tell her you don’t have time.

My parents almost never call me; they always expect me to call them, which I find infuriating. We invite them to stay; they always want us to go to them. It is rather easier to move two adults than two adults with two small children, but they show no awareness of that.

There's a huge spectrum of grandparently behaviour. I have friends in their seventies who travel 200 miles to spend a couple of days with their grandchildren each week, sleeping in hotels which they pay for themselves. They are exhausted by it but continue because they want the relationship to flourish and they want to help. The grandparents mentioned up thread who are too busy to spend time with the children are not typical of anyone I know, but clearly they exist and are missing out themselves as well as disappointing the next two generations.

We Grandparents are not all the same. We have been looking after our grandchildren (2 sets) I day a week since they were born. It is easing off a bit now that some of them have started school. We also have them for overnights and weekends so their parents can go out. We are really besotted by all of them. Unlike you, I got very little help when my children were young.
I really don’t know why you are doing so much for your mother and visiting your ILs so often. Maybe you should ask why they are not interested in their grandchildren.

My experience was the other way round. My mum was a SAHM mum until I was about 10 I think as no grandparent help ever. I think my Dads mum had us one evening a year for my parents to attend my dad's work Christmas do, there was apparently a big fuss when they were asked to have my brother for a few hours when my mum was in labour with me.

In contrast, my MIL (lives about 15 mins from us) had each of our girls 1-2 days a week, and my parents (2 hours away) left home at 5.30am 1 day every week to have them from when i returned to work until they started school. Now, my MIL does 1 school pick up per week, and my parents have them to stay around 3 seperate weeks per year in school holidays to help us with childcare, and for us to have a couple weekends away ea h year as couple time. I know we are incredibly lucky, and I'm so glad my girls (5 and 8) have such a great relationship with their grandparents, they often ask to call them just for a quick chat and to tell them their spelling test score, or about a party they have just been to, or just 'because I miss them'.

68 still working, I would have retired 8 years ago and would have been able to help look after grand children. Dont blame the Grand parents for being made to work longer.

They're all retired, well technically my DM is working but it's self employment and takes up on average 10 hours per month.

My parents are the same and it annoys me. They retired at 55 on full pension, my mum was a sahm and they don’t have many hobbies. However when my LO had chicken pox and through the worst I asked if they would help for a day and they were too busy decorating the house.

They do however look after my niece when she is sick….guess the sibling favouring carry’s on into adulthood

My grandma looked after me when I was young.

She had been made to resign from her job in the civil service when she got pregnant with my dad and didn't work again.

The world has changed.

When I had my kids my mum did some childcare but she was working full time and only retired when they were 15.

Many grandparents are now working full time.

My parents help my sister with childcare 3x a week. It tires them out. My mil will absolutely help in an emergency. She will not help with childcare on a regular basis as she's raised her own kids and has always been clear on that and i respect her for it. When my parents or mil see the kids, they actively play with them, spend time and show an interest. My mil will pop over now and again and do bedtime with the kids, my dad will play football and games with them, my mum makes their favourite foods. They speak on the phone daily.

My kids are little yet and I have no family help nor do I expect it. Dh and I chose to have 3 kids and work our lives around them. I'm happy enough making sacrifices for my own kids however I will likely be in my 60s when I am a grandparent. I'd help out in emergencies and give each child a day each as childcare health dependent (not sure how useful that would be) but no more than that. I do not want to do night feeds or potty training again. It is physically tiring taking care of young children and whilst I do it now, I don't want to be doing it in 20 years time.I also don't want to have to arrange my plans around pick ups and drop offs or kids being ill.

If as a couple you are both working full time and have one child but are struggling then you need to take the time to see what changes can be made. If it's more about wanting your mum yo spend time with your son then invite her to stuff and see if she takes you up on it. You don't always have to be the one to make effort.

I am in my 70's no kids and widowed. Not sure why your mother should need so much help?

As a GM myself I don't understand them either. My DH and I love having our GC over. We have our own special routines like movie nights with popcorn, lovely breakfasts the next morning. My daughter was a SAHM until the DC went to school but we encouraged her and her DH to have date nights so we could have the kids 😀 I was close to my Nan too and treasure all the time I spent with her.
DH and I love our holidays but we always plan them around the family. I love being close to my DC and the GC

It's so variable , think it's difficult to generalise. My own dad and uncle lived with their grandparents for several years having been sent away during the war (colonial history). My dad's mum lived with us for my whole childhood and although that's supposed to be intergenerational Nirvana, there was quite a bit of informal fluid visiting in a nice frock, less formal help, especially when we were really small. My mum was amazing when ds was tiny but lived quite a way away, my dad remained essentially useless, my PILs were again more about us all going to their house for family visits than 'help' in any formal sense. Tbh all of that is OK in its way. I do love to hear about the really close Nanas who get stuck in to serious amounts of help but there can be a lot of tension in those relationships too, just read AIBU!

It's frustrating but you can't make someone be something they're not. On the positive side, you get to call the shots on your child's upbringing without the pressures of those with very hands-on GPs.

I think its because most parents are having kids much older now and by the time they need help the gran parents just want to be left alone to do there own thing.
Where i come from our family have one rule you had them you look after them.

When I was young (80s) most mums of preschool and early primary kids didn't work so no need for grandparents to do much childcare.

I see loads of grandparents helping, my own parents and in laws do help but are too far away for frequent childcare. It's a bit grudging sometimes. But it probably always was, kids wouldn't be aware of that necessarily

What on earth are you talking about? No one on this thread has complained because they expect their parents to potty train their kids. I also do not expect DM to pop round at 2am with a bottle.

Completely agree. I think I would have fewer days where I resort to crying with my toddler!

Yep and there were plenty on here cheering on the rise in pension age....now all of a sudden its "oh shit its going to affect me"

No skin in the game myself Im 51 and child free by choice