Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

It's straightforward - you need to be a bit less available for your mum's routine needs, if she isn't available for yours.

I’m a typical boomer and the entitlement on here is astounding. I had absolutely no help at all with childcare when my two were small - but I didn’t expect it either. They were my children so my responsibility to look after - and yes we were desperately hard up and we had to make sacrifices because of it. I spent their childhood working term time only jobs with a pittance for wages and no pension so that I was there for my kids in the holidays and after school.

My parents decided to retire 250 miles away from us and the expectation was that we would go and see them at least twice a year and they used to descend on us for a week at least once a year as well which was a massive disruption as they expected a room each. My MIL was lovely and lived locally but she was a lot older and didn’t expect anything but we supported her with shopping and housework etc.

I am not bitter about not having childcare at all. I don’t have grandchildren yet but if I did I would help my children as much as I could if they needed it.

It depends. My grandmother never lifted a finger to help, and when we went to stay with her - as a familiy, never just us kids - my mother did all the cooking etc. I'm 75 now, and I don't, and have never, done a lot of childcare for my 4 DGC. I'll always help in emergencies, and I have done some childcare, but I'm still working myself, and I value my free time.

I don't want regular childcare commitments, so I don't make them. As I say, I will always help out in an emergency.

Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

You know, this is the part that I really disagree with.

You can't begin to know how anyone else feels, either mentally or physically, especially when they are much older than you, so I think it is unreasonable to expect this kind of passing on of help as the norm, especially if that person did not enjoy parenthood when they were going through it.

And ironically, grandparenting can go on longer than parenting. As one set of grandchildren reach an easier age, another set of grandchildren might only just be arriving, and on it can go over many years.

As a parent, you choose how many children to have and, generally-speaking , the age gap between them, and so you also know when your role is likely to get easier. But grandparents have no say in those matters, so when you start to see the end of the tunnel, they might still be in the thick of it with other dgc while their hopes of ever having the time, the energy or the health to do their own thing slip away.

I have one DGC and my parents have DGC aged between 12 and 22, and my DB, who is 12 years younger than me, is likely to have DC in the next few years (his GF is 12 years younger than him). My DP didn't do any regular childcare (and we never expected/asked it of them), but that would be potentially a very long time if they'd committed to help out all their DC with childcare.

I think Grandparent childcare will become a thing of the past with the ever-increasing retirement age. This has almost certainly contributed to pressures on the childcare system.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Parents should have a village and I think it’s sad your parents don’t want to be active grandparents.

My DM loves spending time holding and rocking as babies, but loses interest around the age of 5 😆 she also doesn't so much as switch tv off or get off her phone when we visit. She would look after DS if asked but never suggests having him outside of this time. She lives 2mins away. I have several older brothers with kids and no help from them and my DSIL despite me being very active in offering help with by nieces and nephews.

MIL likes to arrive up with her husband and her mother in tow. 3 extra adults. Overstays her welcome by hours, likes to be entertained by us all day, we both find it very draining but DH is emeshed with her. She Is good at doing an hour or so activity with DS but expects to be entertained. She works 3 days per week and takes off key holidays, (which we book off to spend together) and then wants DS driven down to her for a few nights sleepover...nope.

My DH is an only child and I've always felt she is trying to relive her motherhood journey via my son. She doesn't do things to help us, but rather to suit her own emotional needs. She lives an hour away so we don't expect childcare services either.

@TTCagain85 My in-laws were the same, loved our children as babies and young toddlers, but lost interest around 3 when they started having opinions/weren’t always cooperative!

Now the children are older teenagers though, they’ve become interested again as they can have adult conversations with them. I’m happy to say that our kids do make an effort to be nice and respectful towards them, which is great.

That and women having children at a later age. I was in my early 50's when my first grandchild was born. Some of my friends will be in their 70's.

GP's these days are either still working FT, or have retired early and are living their lives.

Its not like the old days when women used to hang around with the sole purpose of child rearing.

YABU for making your thread title "Modern grandparenting double standards".

The range of responses show that it's a very varied picture indeed and drawing a generalisation as you did is deeply unfair to the many grandparents who do a lot for and with their grandchildren.

OP literally states this is not for all in her opening post.

Why are you saying the OP makes this clear when you’re the OP? Have you been using two different accounts?

Wow why does people on this website claiming all boomers had cleaners and nannies not suprise me? Just because their parents did.

Have to remind myself of this when I read the income threads and feel like a peasant 😂 or the posters who say making siblings share a room is child abuse.

I mean how did Mumsnet come to have such a wealthy user base. Why do so few ordinary people seem to use this site?

I think most of them are complete fantasists if we’re honest 😬

I don’t see the issue with grandparents not feeling the need to provide free childcare tbh.

I agree

And I think it's bonkers

I agree! I didn't have any grandparents and by time I had my DD my dad had died and my DM had remarried and moved 2 hours away. She never once babysat or gave any help. But I didn't expect it. Maybe it didn't occur to her to give it as she'd never had help? I must admit I was astonished at how much help other mums had from their parents. I just get on with it. I work full time and have paid a fortune in nursery, wrap around care and holiday clubs. My social life is non existent (single parent) but it was my choice to have DD. I couldn't be bothered to waste my energy on being annoyed about no help.

My wife and I are boomers. Born in 1951 and 1954. We did not have help from parents or grandparents. We have 4 kids and took care of them ourselves. Unlike the generalization here, we were very active and involved in their lives. They are all responsible adults who work and raise their own children. Our kids now have their own children and 2 of them live close to us. One is only a mile away. We are retired ( I am from my work..my wife was a homemaker and worked as a homemaker at home raising 4 children). We do not take care of their children now. That would be a full time job. All my kids and their spouses work. They pay for childcare until they are of the age to go to school. (We live in the US). We help them out financially but we are not going to be their childcare providers. We help out when they need something, such as pick up from school or take to an appointment now and then. When we were young my wife quit her job after the second child and we cut back on expenses as much as we could. I personally do not think one should expect older grandparents to be their childcare providers. It is a lot of work and energy. I think it is a mistake to suggest all boomers had help so they should help, as the writer here suggests.

It sounds as though your mum is running a business - was your grandma when still working when you were small?

To be fair this hasn’t happened to me. My parents (well my Mum) did help out from time to time (they don’t live that near) when my two were little. And now they’re bigger, they go to stay with my parents, independently which they love.

My own GP didn’t do that much childcare as they didn’t live near by to my parents either, but we often stayed with them as a family which we as children loved. So in that way they helped out. My grandparents weren’t well off, so my parents had to pay money towards food when we did. We did stay with them independently as teens but my parents would again pay money towards our food. My parents would never accept money from me but they are much better off, thankfully.

The difference I guess was that my Mum didn’t work outside the home - she went back to studying when we were teens and then was self employed making very much her own hours after that (and still is). So they didn’t want childcare as such, just company and a place to go and stay in the hols.

Edit - we rarely saw my Dad’s parents but they had moved several hours away

Many older people are still working, or want their own lives, without small children being over involved.

Life has changed. 🤷‍♀️