Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

My only grandparent lived 300 miles away and didn't do childcare. We never had childcare from our parents. Until they started going to cub camp we had one night where our oldest spent a night away from us (with a friend) and none with younger. We have, so far, had our granddaughter (aged two) overnight 4 times - some only for one night and some for up to 4 nights....

It is so annoying. One example I thought of the other day as that put grandparents bought us a winter coat and shoes every year- until we were about 20. My son’s grandparents have never bought him any clothes!! I would love to say something about it.

YANBU. I only had one grandma who lived abroad but we’d spent two months every summer living with her. Both my mother and DH’s parents are totally useless. It is a boomer thing. They’re an incredibly selfish generation.

My in-laws were given a house deposit by my DH’s paternal grandparents, and his granny provided full time childcare for him and his sibling.

My pils in contrast are well off and in good health (much better than us) and have cost us rather than support us, they also said they wouldn’t be doing childcare. (That’s good because we never asked you 😂).

They go about how hard they worked for it, no they didn’t, both went straight from school into jobs that they then had for their whole career. Amazing pensions etc. the biggest help however was the help DH’s dad’s parents gave them but they’d never admit it because it would mean acknowledging they were happy to take but not to give.

DH’s granny told me she’s ashamed of her son and his ‘cold’ wife and wish she‘d never helped them or given them a penny.

TBF though I hate them and wouldn’t want them near my child so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ah, you see that's one thing they are good at, buying stuff for DC. I do really appreciate second hand clothes MIL picks up when she can, and my mum always has something in her bag which lights up DC.

I see the opposite side of the coin. I’m older than others on here who say they have grandkids, but I don’t have grandkids, nor do any of my friends who are the same age (hoping it will be another 10 years). However, some older peers in their 70’s at work do and to be frank their children are CF’ers. I don’t know of anyone who has retired retired unless it’s due to ill health which makes sitting at a desk job impossible. Most of us ‘retire’ to desk jobs but work full time due to nature of the roles and then something takes us out. Meanwhile people are hounded for not having the grandkids enough on their weekends off, while still having to fit in housework/life admin of a household working full time with a bit of age starting to slow you down with those activities. Or hounded to give up work, when their brains are perfectly good and they are still physically able, to take on babysitting of a day before the grandkids go to school. Then there is the utter outrage when the grandparents go on an overseas holiday in the 4 weeks annual leave they get a year!

Then comes the kicker, when people are forced to retire due to a health event and people expect babysitting. It’s common sense if you can’t sit and work on a chair, you are going to struggle running around after a 3yo. But when they don’t, their children maintain they are not supportive. Then the extra kicker with forums like this crying ‘hope they don’t expect anyone to visit them in a nursing home’. Suddenly, all the years those parents spent paying school fees, financing and supporting sports/hobbies/interests usually well into young adulthood, financing uni, often giving a leg up into the housing market are conveniently forgotten. Nope, doesn’t count, as a parent who had to stop work due to a stroke or similar is not chaffing at the bit to now have babysitting duties for young grandkids (as opposed to parents visiting with grandkids and looking after them themselves). I know who I see as the entitled CF’ers based on the grandparents at work.

My DPs are boomers and they're great grandparents. They'd have DD at the drop of a hat. Did regular childcare before she was school age, but good boundaries too. They were involved parents,

My maternal GM was fab, great fun, used to look after us sometimes in school holidays after DM went back to daytime work.

My paternal GM, not so much. She was lovely, but quite emotionally distant. But that's the sort of mother she was too. I think if you look at what sort of parent someone is, that's the sort of grandparent they'll be. It's not that they're not taking their 'turn', they've decided to skip it altogether, on both generations.

From experience it seems that parents who palmed their kids off on their parents don’t really want to be active grandparents either

Hmm many GPs are still working full time so don't actually have time for regular childcare.

Then there is a general reluctance (certainly on here if not irl) to let kids go and stay with Nanny and Grandad.
Also when we stayed with our GP and when my kids stayed with my parents it was their house their rules obviously as long as it wasn't life risking
On here it's if you want to see your grandchildren do as you are fucking told.

I feel like it's the opposite for most people I know. Half the people doing school pick ups at my children's school or watching their assembly etc are grandparents, and it wasn't that way for me as a child. I know multiple children who have the grandparents take the children to school every day, I never saw that as a child.

Could be worse my mum has my brothers children all the time literally weekly and over night but refuses to have mine so I struggle when I hear people say you shouldn't expect gp to look after their gc and they've "done their bit" as that doesn't apply to my brother and its purely favouritism that has extended onto the kids

I remember the time the phone rang and it was my brother calling my dad — evidently, my 3yrold nephew had gone to the back bedroom and called home and tattled:
“Papa called me a littow shit.”

I miss the days of laughter.

100% SO SO selfish and self indulgent. The thousands of hours my grandmother did of child care are totally forgotten. My mum has never changed a nappy of either of my children or ever cared for them. Came to visit when they were born, announced it was nap time -not for me or baby. It was time for her to put her feet up!

I will have the last laugh. As no chance of me getting sucked into hospital appointments, cleaning, batch cooking for her etc as she ages. She can pay for help or make do on her own. That’s what l have done.

Similar example is that I remember my grandparents saving up and buying a property to pass on to the next generation. Doesn’t seem such a priority now. Paid off mortgage but Boomer father has just done one of those equity release schemes and proudly tells me there will be no money for us kids - umm what about your care costs if you live until 90?! So far money has gone on a boat which he regretted and lost money on and then a caravan thing. oh and moved 5 hours away a year after I had my first baby - nice!! again, I why move super far away, what happens if you need help when elderly? I find it a very strange attitude to “family”.

This is actually a good point! 🤣

My parents do as much as I would like them to. In some ways it is less than my grandparents (grandmothers really), but their lives are quite different, and I believe that things are far easier for me than they were for my mum. My mum (and dad) also helps happily and willingly, whereas anything her mother ever did came with strings.

I’m a first time GM of a four month old. I had no help at all from my parents or in-laws, and I learnt that you do need to make time for your marriage/relationship, because being parents can take its toll in those early years. So I told my dd that I would babysit so they could have date nights away (if they want to of course) once a month. And that’s what’s happened. In my DGDs short life I’ve had her sleeping over at our home twice already, and another overnight stay coming up this weekend. I’m in my 50s, so relatively young, and I do find it really tiring, so I can imagine anyone in their 60s or older is going to struggle with long periods of looking after children, especially if more than one grandchild.

I think life is quite different now. I didn’t spend much time with my maternal GM as she’s was always off doing her own thing after being widowed in her 60’s. My paternal GM was also widowed in her 60’s but we spent a lot of time with her as my parents worked weekends and overtime. My parents have been amazing GP and helped a lot with childcare when I re-trained and was working shifts but my IL’s never did any childcare as they were much older. They loved my DC visiting but weren’t very hands on.

I didn’t resent IL’s for not helping just accepted them for who they were and I never expected my parents to help but was very grateful they wanted to

I am much older than you. In the past the grandparents I know who did childcare did it because their adult children could not afford childcare - there were no childcare vouchers. It was a case of giving essential help, rather than having fun.
Now days I see parents expecting far more from grandparents, and in some cases getting it.

And people used to retire at 60 or earlier. Many grandmothers in the past worked part time. Now people are working longer and for more hours.

Will never forget, about 30 years ago now, I was going back to work (had no choice, ex was a work shy spendthrift who had just fucked off) my mother said "Well dont expect me to have the kids, I managed and you will have to" and I was genuinely gobsmacked.

She didnt "manage" on her own, she was married to my father and we were at my grandparents when she was working! When I pointed this out I was told that that was different and I would just have to manage. If she had at least had the decency to say "I dont want to provide regular childcare" then that would have been honest. But to imply that she was some sort of superwoman who did it all on her own really pissed me off.

Never really forgave her for that. Ironically, now she is elderly and ill and needs me......the temptation to say "Well you will just have to manage...." is there. But I wont. Some days I really want to, but I wont.

My maternal GPs lived a long way from us and were parents of 9 children. My Mum was one of the younger ones. We visited them, but never stayed over at their house. My paternal GPs passed away when my Dad was in his teens. He also had a lot of siblings and was one of the younger ones. His eldest sister was like a grandmother. A really cool one who had a career but never married. Along with a lot of my cousins, I had great holidays with her. She didn’t live nearby but we were close.

My parents were in their 70s when our DC arrived. They lived close to us. I would never have expected them to be a substitute for nursery care. We saw them 2 days most weeks when DC was little, they baby sat for us too. That’s my model of goid grandparenting and I really think it’s better than providing childcare in your retirement years. If GPs are not retired at the point of becoming grandparents then they are perfectly entitled to choose to work

I don't see any massive difference. My grandmothers were older when their grandchildren were born (I'm the eldest grandchild, and they were 63 and 65 when I was born) than my mother (who was 57 when my DS1 was born, and 66 when DS2 was born). My paternal grandmother was frail and "elderly" from when I was born. My maternal grandmother wasn't - she didn't do regular childcare, but spent several weeks staying with us every time my Mum had a baby, stayed for a fortnight on at least 3 occasions to look after all children and the home when my Mum went with my Dad on work trips, etc. We saw both grandmothers very regularly, but I don't remember staying with either much without my parents or Mum there too - perhaps 3-4 times.

My Mum stayed with us for a fortnight or so when each of my sons was born, and when they were babies / toddlers popped in regularly. We go and stay with my parents every 3 weeks or so for the weekend, and when they were younger and I was knackered my Mum would take the baby and send me for a nap. They'd babysit (at theirs) when DH and I went out for dinner sometimes. Both my parents have a great relationship with both my sons. They've taken both away on short holidays to France / Belgium / Italy. There's no regular childcare, although my Mum was our emergency Plan B when they were little. My parents have never stayed with us as a couple to visit - they have a much bigger house, so we stay with them. My Mum's stayed with us when they were born, and occasionally since, but it's rare.

I hardly knew my grandparents as they lived so far away so i have no fond memories. My own parents helped out when they could and I am very hands on with my own grandchildren. My experience is totally different to the OP's. I don't think you can generalise.

True. Both my grandfathers had retired (and one was dead) before I was even born. My Dad's still working now, although not full-time, and his oldest grandchild is 19.