Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

Family life has changed. A lot.

My Nan was a big part of my life as a child. Loved her! Spent a lot of time with her.
Modern grandparents are more busy than ever doing them (and can afford it). Can't help it. My parents are great with my children but not in the same way as my grandparents were.

YANBU. My parents had endless free childcare from my Granny but even on the rare occasions we ask for help there is always some excuse.

They are fundamentally selfish, self-indulgent people. They are the worst stereotype of their generation.

I know this will turn into a boomer bashing thread but my experience is my parents and their friends are early retirees with a fair bit of cash and feel they’ve earnt a nice easy long comfortable retirement (they have worked hard but only the same as us except we can’t afford a nanny, cleaner etc like they did…).so they’re busy on holidays, golfing, socialising. My grandparents were typical of their generation- very hard working, modest life and incredibly family orientated they had us every holiday.
My parents are great when we see them but their grandkids are not their priority at all. It is what it is!

The situation of the grandparents is often quite different today IMO.

Working until much later, or a lot older when they become grandparents. Money to travel. Impact of ill health. People living further apart etc.

I don’t think my grandparents had much in the way of expectations of retirement. They retired relatively early by today’s standards, and lived far long than they expected. There wasn’t much of a sense of ‘enjoying your retirement’ by jetting off around the world or pursuing personal hobbies - they were always there and available.

I know of very few people who have got regular childcare from their own parents, even if very local. Even where it has been suggested, those friends all complain about it being cancelled so frequently (and so last minute) it’s no longer helpful.

My mum got all her childcare done by my aunt (essentially my version of a granny as my gp were all deceased). She would rarely take my son for me unless I ask, but I would also say that as a parent she was never particularly maternal either. I always got the feeling that she had children because it was what you did when you got married, rather than because she actually wanted to parent. So now we're older and out of her hair, she doesn't want to be tied down with grandkids.

But then that's her call to make with her time as she sees fit. I hope I'd want to make a different call if I'm lucky enough to get to watch ds grow up and have his own family.

Grandparents are ‘younger’ for longer. They have their own lives I guess.

Both my parents and my husbands parents were working full time when mine were babies 🤷🏻‍♀️ I feel like the only fucker around here who pays for childcare though. Everyone I know seems to have grandparent help.

Why are you doing so much for your mum? She is taking advantage of you.

It's the opposite for me. My grandparents hardly helped at all when I was a child, even when my mum was in bed for six weeks after a serious operation, whereas my parents have been very helpful and supportive with my DC.

When our dc was born mil backed away and haven't seen her since dc was 3 months old. Dc is now 10.. Such was the horror of being a dgm.... .

I do know what you mean! My late grandmother was incredibly hands-on and we have fond memories of being taken camping, having sleepovers, lots of fun stuff. And she was a teacher, so it's not like she didn't work!
My own mum is a decent grandmother but nowhere near the league of her own mother!

Dh spent long summers at his grandparents while his parents worked. We asked for one weekend childcare from super healthy recently retired twiddling thumbs in laws for
our two well behaved dds to attend a child free wedding on my side. After initially agreeing they pulled out with a laughably lame excuse. Not really got over it tbh.

Hmm - my own impression is that when i was small grandparents were generally NOT doing daily child care. They were there at the weekend for a cuddle and a board game with a bag of boiled sweets - not parenting.

However these days it seems most grandparents are either still working or doing at least a few days a week child care for their grand kids.

My inlaws have virtually raised one of their kid's kids and my own best mate's mum has done daily child care 5 days a week for 8 years now.

My own mother did no childcare for me. She was blunt about that. Me - i do a day a week looking after my GD for my eldest.

Other way round here.
I had four children and zero help ever. My Mum was still teaching full time and my Dad was too busy having affairs to be interested in his grandkids.

Currently my little Grandson is asleep in my spare room, (will no doubt be in my bed later!) I picked him from Nursery, played with him all evening, fed him, and he asked to stay, so tomorrow morning I'll make his lunch and take him to Nursery. I went part time to help as DD and her Dh are nurses so covering shift care would be impossible if I wasn't willing to help.
It's tiring..I'm not 30 any more! But worth everything for the bond we have, and my DD knowing that he is safe, loved and we parent and grandpparent the same way.
No 2 is due soon and I will be doing baby groups and soft play all over again when DD goes back to work! I've made real new friends , though some are half my age!
It probably helps that I work in Early Years so it's not much different to my daily job, but don't say we are all selfish... judging by the number of Grandparents doing nursery pick up , I am not that rare!

With the IL’s, ask them to babysit when you go visit? If it feels appropriate to do so. I realised my BIL & SIL ask much more of my IL’s than we do, and the IL’s are always obliging but would never ever offer first.

YANBU to want more support. YABU to not ask for what you need or say no to your DM if she’s asking too much of you.

I do get this. I guess I'm just flabbergasted at the lack of self awareness/reflection? They clearly see that this is hard work from their VERY blunt insults comments. But at no point do they seem to question, how did we do this when it got hard, who helped us? I find it all very self centered.

Your comment has really made me miss my Nan, you sound lovely. Bloody pregnancy hormones 🥹

I can't complain as my parents and MIL are excellent. They all journeyed up to us to see DD in her nativity - several hours drive each. They also take DD during the school holidays and plan to do the same for DS as he gets older. However, FIL and Step-MIL seem to forget they have children, let alone grandchildren. They live on another continent, but don't even bother Facetiming the grandkids or enquiring when they speak to DH. I don't think it would change even if they moved back here tbh, even though DH remains hopeful.

I'm happy to help her because she's my mum, I want to know that she's set up and like to help her avoid added stress or unnecessary costs where possible. I understand that the majority of daily life is now a lot more technical and she may need a hand to navigate it. I'm also very proud of how much she's achieved since being single later in life and how capable and independent she is.

To be honest in a lot of cases I don't feel like you do. Most care will inevitably be put on the woman, that woman has raised her family and may have looked after her own mother. When do they actually get to be free?

If you choose like myself to have children then you enlist paid support. My late mother spent time with my children but I only asked her to mind them once or twice as I wanted her to have fun with them.

I have sons I have no intention of doing grandkids childcare. I love, adore and enjoy my children. I haven't changed nappies on any other child and have no intention of 🤣

I've worked full time did the single mother gig because their father passed and I fully intend to enjoy my retirement.

I hear you. We only had one set of DGP. My MiL was given a home and weekly babysitting by her in-laws but dodged looking after her own DGC. Her loss.
Our aim is to see as much of our DGC as possible, have fun, be silly, build bonds. We’re retired boomers so we’re not all bad. Hopefully the children will cherish the memories we make. We do.

Maybe you should stop doing so much for DM and ask her to spend a bit more time with your DC (tell her how much he adores her and wants to spend time with her) and stop travelling so often to see PIL - invite them to visit you.

Hmm - my own impression is that when i was small grandparents were generally NOT doing daily child care. They were there at the weekend for a cuddle and a board game with a bag of boiled sweets - not parenting.

Agreed. My parents went to see my GPs every week, my nan would give me a small bar of chocolate, then all the adults would natter in the kitchen, and I would play on my own in the sitting room (don't feel sorry for me, I was very happy in my own company)

Neither my parents nor PILs, helped us (neither lived close, and PILs were too wrapped up in SIL's children)

I see my boomer friends doing regular childcare, having to fit their activities around the days they have their GC

It's difficult to help much as I have to work full time and can rarely get leave in school holidays as those with children nab it all. When my kids were small I didn't get much help either. No regular babysitting though mum came to stay when one was ill and I had to go to work. People retired a lot younger back in the eighties and nineties so had time. I do babysit but it has to be planned well in advance.

I saw my grandparents in the holidays mostly, no regular childcare as they did not live close. My mum and MIL did occasional ‘emergency’ days but no day to day childcare - we sorted ourselves out. Now my grandchildren live on different continents, I love to see them but would not be keen to go back to child rearing again - I’ve done that. If you don’t want to look after your own cho,dren, why have them?