Modern grandparenting double standards

[TheCalmQuail]

I'll preface this with yes I know that my DC are my responsibility and I shouldn't expect childcare, but it would be nice if it felt like GPs actually wanted to spend time/get to know DC/help occasionally.

Its come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their DPs spend with their DC, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their GPs daily. Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my DM went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one on one time with my Nana.

I realise GPs are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves.

I love my DM dearly but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in, she relocated to live down the road from us and I barely see her unless she needs me. It often feels like she's an extra toddler as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible. But I'd love her to be a bit more proactive, if only just to give her and DC more time together, as they adore her. And on the flip side I regularly help her out with her home, tech issues, pet sitting, I've built her a website and saved her thousands on setting up her part time business. I also am always the one to invite her over for meals, it's never reciprocated. I'd love her to nip over and take DC to the park, or for a hot choc once in while, just because she wanted to see him

Similar for PIL, we make a +200 mile round trip every 6-8 weeks to see them. MIL will often very bluntly tell us how knackered we look, but they've not once offered to take DC for an hour or two whilst we're there, or suggested me and DH go for a coffee/have a bit of time as a couple. I don't think they've changed a single nappy in over 3 years. Yet they expect us to schlep a toddler across 4 counties on the regular out of obligation.

I absolutely know this is #notallgrandparents as my DB ILs also relocated nearer to him. They have their GC one day a week and regularly on weekends, they do the majority of school holiday childcare and are still often asking for extra sleepovers and time together with their DGC. Which is all a lot more than I'd ever expect.

I know this will be a marmite subject, but really AIBU? Surely the idea is to pass on the help and generosity you received, to help the next generation?

I agree with you. My parents had a charmed existence with my grandparents contributed both in terms of finances buying them furniture which was not cheap in the 70s.
Looking after my sister and I for Weeks on end to enable them to work. And most weekends just because they wanted to.
Facilitating my father’s breakdown after his divorce where he spent years unemployed at their expense. And Ours because he wasn’t contributing.
Genuinely would not cross either of my parents mine for a single moment that they are in anyway shape or form obliged to help us

YANBU to be disappointed with your parents and ILs, but YABU to generalise a whole generation. I gave my DD a huge amount of support when she was on maternity leave and did all childcare when she returned to work part time. I had to give up work early to do this.

Now that DGS (7) and DGD (5) are at school I do two or three pick ups every week, occasional sleepovers, babysitting, some days with kids in school holidays (DD works in a school). We help financially as much as possible (we are far from wealthy). My DD's MIL helps a little but is already run ragged with looking after her other grandchildren. My DH although in his seventies also helps massively. We also provide a lot of support to my elderly father.

My late mum was brilliant with my kids they adored her but she worked and lived over an hour's drive away and I worked evenings to fit around family life. She also never had any support from anyone when my siblings and I were young. None of my friends or family in my age group had the support from grandparents you have described.

The other part of your post regarding your mum, I don't understand is why she doesn't want to spend time with her DGC and help you out a bit more. Tbh if I were you, I wouldn't spend my time helping her so much when it's not reciprocated, your limited time is too precious.

The benefit of the help we provide is the very close relationship we feel privileged to have with our DGC.

Are they similar ages? Both parents and children.

I used to spend time at my grandparents (not for weekly childcare) but I was more school age, not nursery age and the grandparents were a good 5 years younger.

My grandad died before I was born.

Maybe I expect MIL to be more proactive because she's so opinionated about the contents of my uterus. She was constantly asking if/when we were going to have children and before DC was even 1yo she started pressuring for DC2 as it'll "be best for DC1". I also find it frustrating when we're sat in their kitchen and she's sighing that "we wish you loved closer and we could do more", when I'm sat there thinking we're literally sat in your house right now and you're not that arsed.

'Modern' children might be a lot harder to look after than previous generations were.

They can't be sent out alone to play with other children on the streets or in a nearby park, as used to happen, so their care is a full-time occupation for the adults in charge, which is both physically and mentally exhausting.

Many are sent to grandparents with a list of do's/do not's that make looking after them both difficult and stessful.

Then there are the changes in diet which can mean that they either can't or wont eat the type of meals that their grandparents have always eaten.

I suspect that any or all of these factors might be a part of the issue.

We also have to drive to see either set and they never come round to ours to help out. I envy people who have interested, involved GPs in their kid’s lives.

I'm sat there thinking we're literally sat in your house right now and you're not that arsed.

Maybe you are expecting too much. It is not the job of GPs to look after their GC. Some want to, some don't. Some would like to have a GP relationship with their GC rather than be surrogate parents.

If you choose to have children then their care rests solely with you. Any additional care from family is a bonus not a right and is not dependent on how much you do for them.

Having reliable family child care makes such a massive difference nowadays (& not just financial) that it causes genuine inequality between the supported & unsupported.

I've noticed it's not so much of a boomer thing as a money thing, richer families seem to spend less time together too busy going on cruises and used to life being relaxed. All the grandparents I know who love spending time with the grandkids seem to have Less money.
I wonder if it's true poorer people seem to care a lot more about family 🤷🏻‍♀️just thought I'd throw that into the discussion

Not sure that's true for all. ExDP spent much time with his paternal GM. Pre and post school care as his mum had had to go back to work. ExDPs mum adored our DD and looked after her as often as she could.

Your MIL sounds so annoying. The grandparents that don't do anything to help with grandchildren but pretend that they would be grandparents of the year if they lived a bit nearer are the worst.

Absolutely agree. Friends of mine got very explicit instructions when looking after DGD. Got in trouble for carrying child, ice cream etc. All pretty tedious and off putting. DGD had no issues or allergies. My friend and husband had brought up three children of their own and were made to feel small. Who would volunteer again in those circumstances?

When adult DCs were small we never expected GPs to look after them (we used nannies and / or did it ourselves). DCs know that I will not be not available for childcare other than in an emergency. If money is short, I'd rather pay towards GCs childcare. It makes far more sense for me to work.

I do sometimes wonder if those who don't see themselves as having an obligation to support their grown kids might find their kids likewise don't see themselves as having much obligation to aged parents when the time comes. We learn these values from our family a lot of the time after all

This is always brought up on threads like this. Always this implied threat. Help me with the children I chose to have, or i'll make sure you suffer in your old age. Horrible.

Yup definitely this. I'm seeing 80 year old woman doing EVERYTHING for her grandchild bless her. She's the oldest at the school pick up but there's definitely a fair few other grandparents in their 60s/70s.

My parents are great in some ways but I just find the general lack of interest quite hurtful.

They're happy to help out in an emergency or the odd sleepover in the holidays which I know is more than a lot get, but would never ask to come pick DS up from school or if we had a spare ticket for the nativity or anything. And if I offered would claim they were too busy.

But retired at 55 on full pensions and have spent the last 10 years sat in front of Tipping Point. It makes me sad because I had such a close relationship with my grandparents - DS isn't going to have that.

My own experience of this is that the nans everyone fondly remembers looking after them lots as kids, had not had to do much in the of paid work at all. They'd enjoyed a lifetime of being a stay at home mum, or perhaps in their 50's had undertaken a bit of low responsibility, part time work, at most.

My own mother by contrast worked full time for over 30 years in a demanding professional job. So did my MIL. They have retired exhausted and quite rightly deserve a rest, not the high energy experience of looking after young children on the regular.

This resonates. Mine retired pretty early with lump sums bigger than my mortgage and pensions near my pay. We live ten min away. In 18 years of living close to grand children I think they have babysat int he evening twice. For a few hours.
They have no health issues, in their sixties.

Depends on circumstances.

My grandad was retired by the age of 50 with the mortgage paid off and my grandmother worked part time so they were available to help with childcare.

My mum is 55 and divorced, still paying a mortgage and still working full time so I couldn't expect the same level of help from her.

To me it’s not a threat. We offered when we bought extended family living. As in move in to a large well sectioned house. We could afford to pay for our share, they have assets. They did the same when they were young, we were both raised by grandparents. Only my parents didn’t pay their share. They just moved in when they needed family support. Both then moved out when their parents aged
They were very very clear that was not something they wanted. Despite the obvious care in their old age.
Whilst I would care for them in the circumstances offered I’m not running two households in the future and driving around all day should they need care.

So, you're saying that being a SAHM (in an era of little to no help from a DH) and a primary carer (quite often larger families) for decades isn't tiring and they don't deserve a rest?! I disagree and there is a certain element of WANTING to be present.

I get that we're all working later, costs are higher, it'll be no different for me (likely worse). I'd like to think I'll be more empathetic and proactive from my own experience, I think I need to start thinking about how to prepare to be able to have the ability to do so.

I do feel that my DP/PIL are a bit out of touch with the reality of modern life/parenting. Trying to explain to DM that buying a house is a much bigger investment nowadays is like pulling teeth. Her blanket response is "but you get paid double what I did" and then she starts banging on about 11% mortgage rate hikes in the 80s on her very desirable £20k 3 bed semi detached first time home

Why do you feel that they should buy your kids clothes? It'd be lovely if they did, of course, but what are you going to "say" about it? "How dare you not buy clothes for the kids I chose to have!" ?

I see examples of both. I'm so jealous of friends with lovely caring parents who I have seen help with house deposits (even the not hugely well off parents) and loads of childcare- or just showing a proper interest in their GC. My parents are wealthy, and despite the having been given a huge deposit for a house by their parents, receiving huge inheritances plus loads of childcare and help when I was young, are really mean with money and their time. They live a lovely lifestyle on the back of relatives work but seem to think they are owed it. They don't seem interested at in my kids all and we've done it all by ourselves. Very much "I'm alright jack". It hurts.

My MIL drives to my house once a week just to play with my youngest. She did the same with my older ones too. She does so much for us, she recently paid off some huge bills we had for instance. I don't think I'll do as much for my grandkids as she does if I'm honest.

So I’m sitting on the sofa cuddling my 21 month old gs. He couldn’t go to nursery as he had a rash (post viral rash). We have him 2 days and 1 night per week (lives too far for daily childcare so we do the overnighter).
Last year when he was 6 months old we had him for 12 days when our dd and dd went on holiday).
But we are lucky. Retired early enough to enjoy our retirement)and I really enjoy having dgs- but we still go on lots of hols too. Dd and dsil just have to work around us.
We had absolutely no help at all from our parents with childcare when we were young parents. Maybe that’s why we do childcare?