My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

Frankly, I'd do anything to have hips that resembled those of an adolescent boy - in fact, I can think of no greater compliment!

over exaggeration much?

There's a fairly huge gap between overweight and "adult women with the body of a teenager" and "tiny skeletal frames."

If you have a "tiny skeletal frame" then you are clearly significantly underweight. A size 8 isn't going to be "tiny" or "skeletal" unless you are 6 foot or taller. It's healthy and slim. That doesn't mean anything over a size 8 isn't healthy, just that most women who are size 8 are not underweight.

For the "average" height UK woman of 5'4, anything from about 7 and a half, to 10 and a half stone is a healthy weight. It's just a fact that anyone over that, (and a size 14-16 is almost definitely going to be) is overweight. But there is still a whole THREE STONE (so nearly a THIRD of their entire body weight) range before they could be considered anything like "tiny/skeletal/unhealthy"

It's perfectly possible that someone is slightly overweight and still healthy, possibly even healthier than someone who is in the 'ideal' weight bracket, depending on multiple other factors. For all your defensiveness, it's YOU that is positioning being overweight as somehow automatically a "bad" thing, rather than just a statement of fact.

Being overweight doesn't have any automatic correlation with being unattractive, lazy, or bad in anyway. It just means you are carrying more weight than is ideal for your height. That's it. Going from 0-100 shrieking "WELL IF SIZE 14 IS FAT THEN I GUESS WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING UGLY HEIFFERS UNLESS WE WEIGH LESS THAN 6 STONE" is completely incorrect and unhelpful.

Exactly what I was thinking

Ew

"WELL IF SIZE 14 IS FAT THEN I GUESS WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING UGLY HEIFFERS UNLESS WE WEIGH LESS THAN 6 STONE"

It's society and the media that is 'shrieking' this, not me! I did not exaggerate anything!
I totally agree with much that you have said but you have completely misconstrued my post...🙄

If a trifling comment like this from your husband is grounds for outrage, then I fear for your long term future together. I'm not sure why this is a particular trigger but it's probably a core schema for you. Was your mum a dieter and made constant comments on your weight, or perhaps it was your dad? Either way you may need therapy.

Size 14 doesn’t mean much you could be 5’10 or 5’2 and carry it very differently

Also you say you’ve been trying to actively lose it- if you’ve mentioned this a lot you may have inadvertently put the idea in his head that you’re big and that it’s ok to say that around you

Perhaps he meant your "V" was large?

Really nasty term to use. How could someone think it okay to say a woman's body is like an adolescent boy.

Lol its not a fact.

Completely sympathise. I was describing a friend of mine to a bf once, as she'd gone through a fitness journey and I was trying but failing to describe how she was now muscular and he said "is she as big as you?" 🤔🙄

Get over it. What kind of marriage is that? A proper relationship shouldn’t have to tip toe around each other like that

This wouldn't bother me.
Back in the day I was very slender and waist trained to wear a 20" corset fully closed. Now I am very definitely chubby.
My husband and I aren't the sleek little things we used to be 24 years ago. I'd never be offended by him honestly describing me as plump or chubby, or big. We both are now. It's just an accurate description. Not an insult.

Okay it was tactless, but by your own admission you are "bigger" and there is no way of hearing this from someone else that is going to sound palatable.

He probably feels really bad about his comment. If you have a problem with it, sit him down and explain how his comment made you feel and then lose some weight.

I agree HelmhelzWatson.
I recall Margot in The Good Life saying something like ..."men aren't usually sensitive to weight watching". I think that they pay far less attention to it than women.

I totally get why you’re upset, but I don’t think he’s done wrong, he’s just spoken before his brain has kicked in.

I wouldn’t like to be referred to as a ‘girl’ as it’s patronising, but apart from that, what he said was in context to what you were discussing and topic you brought up.

You are bigger than the friends you were discussing and you were comparing yourself to them regarding childbirth outcomes. He didn’t call you fat and wasn’t being nasty in his tone.

Hopefully you’ve been able to move past it now, try to build up your self esteem. He may not have noticed your weight loss he seems happy with you regardless anyway from your PP.

Same, was described as ‘Bonny’ as a child and never liked that expression since! Good thing as a tall/broad lass I carry weight quite well and when I loose weight it’s noticeable sooner so swings & roundabouts

People can always 'choose' to be offended. Your husband tried to backpeddal pretty quickly, so he wasn't trying to be hurtful. The issue lays with how you feel about yourself. There are millions upon millions of size 14+ women in the world who are perfectly happy with themselves and in the skin they're in. It is important for one's mental health to love yourself first.

So rather than get the ick because you are offended about reality or how people perceive you, look inwards and do something positive about it and work towards reaching your happy place, whatever that may be. This could be therapy, or it could mean diet and exercise.

Society places far to much negativity on image and society/media plays a big part here in your reaction.

Good luck OP, I wish you the very best!

You can choose to forget his comment and carry on with what you are doing - healthy eating and weight loss. Sorry, but you started a conversation about c-sections which is the personal business of other people. See it isn't very nice to be talked about like you're a passive object. Perhaps these women would hate what you did if they knew?

OP there are an unusual amount of size 8/10 on this forum so you will get a skewed view. But they are ignoring the negative connotations the word "bigger" has in relation to weight, and who wants to hear that from someone we are intimate with.

I said earlier that I’d be more offended at being called a girl, but got swiftly put back in my box!

My husband said something along the lines of 'you're not naturally pretty'. I can't even remember the whole conversation or context because it was over 30 years ago. That one sentence has stuck with me for our whole marriage. He has apologised every single time I bring it up, but honestly I just think they don't think before stuff comes out of their mouths.

You ladies have perfection as standard for your husbands, methinks that is a tad unrealistic.
My wife said something similar about me tonight, a throwaway comment, but I doubt very much I will still be angsting about it in 30 years time.

I wouldnt say 14 is big. I'm a size 14 and always trying to be smaller, so always surprised by the amount of men who tell me that they don't find thin women attractive.