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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

537 replies

Biggergirl16 · 09/12/2024 09:40

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

OP posts:
Bernardo1 · 10/12/2024 21:17

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 10:29

This is about how you feel about your body not about how he feels.
You have internalised fat phobia.
Fact of the matter is that you ARE bigger than you used to be.
I am bigger than I used to be. After 3 kids I am now definitely 'fat' It takes a lot of work to have self esteem.. having been a size 10 pre kids. There's a lot of hatred towards bigger people out there despite size 16 actually being the average size of a woman in the UK.
The thing is you don't need to pretend to be thin to be attractive. Your husband clearly loves you. He comes onto you. He wants a physical relationship...
Saying you are bigger is a statement of fact it does not mean he finds you unattractive. It's you who are linking being unattractive with being big.
I understand as it can sometimes get me down as I am a millennial and was brought up thinking you have to be skeletal to be desirable. So sometimes I feel repulsed by my body. I can tell my husband loves me tho.. we have an active sex life he still finds me desirable. He still says I'm beautiful.
Of course I try and eat well and exercise..
But end of the day don't waste your life hating yourself and wishing you were thinner.
Don't take any reference to the fact you've got bigger as some kind of mortal insult.
Don't cause problems in your rely deciding your husband doesn't find you attractive because he called you 'bigger'..
It's just such a waste of time and it stems from your own self esteem.
Being bigger than someone else means nothing about what value you have.

This!

AntikytheraMech · 10/12/2024 21:20

Sounds like you got fat.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 10/12/2024 21:23

You are bigger than you were. He's stating the obvious.

Not like he was saying it insulting or in a derogatory way.

You've gained some weight and are trying to pretend it doesn't show. He has noticed and it acknowledging it in a completely normal way.

Packetofcrispsplease · 10/12/2024 21:23

I’m a small woman , 3 completely straightforward vaginal deliveries with my children.
I have a fairly small frame I guess but I suppose my hips wide enough to deliver all 3 average size babies .
Now I’m older I need to wear size 10-12 despite only weighing 55 kilos because of stupid E or F cup boobs and having very annoying IBS tummy that goes up and down in size .
I think your husband’s choice of wording was poor but I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings .
also size 14 is pretty average in my opinion

Shotokan101 · 10/12/2024 21:35

Hi, I'm a man, but don't hold that against me. 🫣

I don't think that it was a "very smart" remark by your husband, but it appears (to me) to have been a one-off "slip of the tongue" - albeit thoughtless of him - but TBH not really (IMO) a "relationship killer" in itself (at least not "just" for that - though you do seem to "imply" other possible problems - so is this really just "the last straw" that's triggering you?)

So yes YABU taking your post at face value - so please don't rush into (or out of!) anything that you may regret.

Hope it all works out for you, whatever you decide ❤️‍🩹

Jim

P.S. You could always start every sentence to him with "Hey Pencil Dick".... 😈

Bernardo1 · 10/12/2024 21:49

Feel you are maybe over reacting.
Look, his comment was factually correct as I think you accept.

But, he had the sense, the presence to realise it was an unfortunate remark, which he didn't even finish. Unlike the majority of dp, who mn complain about.

How many of us have voiced possibly unfortunate remarks, but this happens in relationships. Which is how they grow, develope.

If I look at mn, a very large nbr of posts are about dh, dp and not just their inadequacies, but attitudes.

I think you should just let this run.
If the 'big girl quote" comes up again I should smile and say "that's the problem for we b.g's, small men tend to be inadequate.

Deeperthantheocean · 10/12/2024 23:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Squiillionaire · 10/12/2024 23:23

I really don't think he meant anything derogatory.. he wasn't saying your size was a bad thing. He was just saying what he thought was factual about giving birth. I have lived with remarks about my weight for years . What he said wasn't unkind.. and he immediately realised it would be upsetting to you. If he has never said anything before let it go. It was an I'll judged remark about c sections. Not a comment about your weight.

Cariadm · 10/12/2024 23:40

WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 09:46

I’m sure that was a bit hurtful, but that is how he sees you. He didn’t say anything insulting, just a statement of fact.

Until recently I was a big 14 and my husband never mentioned it. I really wish he’d said something to shock me into addressing it sooner as I was in denial.

FFS!! Size 14 is NOT big!!! 🙄
I was happily that size for years but now older and in poor health I have to take several medications, some of which are well known to cause weight increase, and over the last few years I have crept up to a size 22... which, believe me, is BIG!! 😱
I cannot exercise and don't overeat or snack so weight loss is virtually impossible (not prepared to start jabbing myself with unregulated and expensive diabetes meds like so many are recklessly doing! 😳) so please, be grateful to be a 14 which I would give anything to be, even a 16/18 would be great as I could wear all the lovely clothes in my wardrobe that I can only look longingly at now!! 😢

Nantescalling · 11/12/2024 00:15

If he'd said 'I'm just lucky that I have a wife with good child-bearing hips' would you have been as upset? I reckon that was the way he was meaning bigger and not size 15 from size 10. Could that be it? He has really hurt your feelings and you have reacted by turning your back literally and hurting his feelings too. If you really think he wanted to humiliate you then punish him by all means but if not then please give the guy some grace!

Mandaxx25 · 11/12/2024 00:26

Men don't think like women. You're bigger than your friends, that's just a fact. He didn't mean you're enormous. The problem is that some really fat people call themselves 'bigger women' and that's not accurate. So when you heard him say that your mind went to he thinks I'm enormous. A 14-16 not long after having several kids is completely normal and was completely normal even 30 years ago. Women need to give themselves a break. A lot of us go up a few sizes in the child bearing years. Things change as kids get older for most. I'm tired of people denying this is a thing and not cutting women a bit of slack for it. Our hormones don't go back to normal for a long time after birth among so many other things. Men have no such excuses. Their hormones don't fluctuate even slightly as much and they don't do anything to contribute to the bearing of children. They're more muscular too. Society needs to wind its neck in with regard to women that are in the process of making their families.

ChessorBuckaroo · 11/12/2024 00:57

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:56

What kind of rock do you live under @Biggergirl16 to consider yourself “sedimentary”?

Reminded of the John Cannan interview with the dating agency.

s

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=11s&v=-U3mmHpaS6U

StormingNorman · 11/12/2024 01:23

Phoenixfire1988 · 10/12/2024 09:43

I was an 8 and went to a 12 and I looked huge !! I'm 5ft 4 so at a size 14-16 I'd look like the marshmallow man from ghost busters

All the 5.4” size 16 posters will love reading your judgement of their physique.

Yay for women lifting up women.

User19876536484 · 11/12/2024 04:31

StormingNorman · 11/12/2024 01:23

All the 5.4” size 16 posters will love reading your judgement of their physique.

Yay for women lifting up women.

Edited

She wasn’t judging their physique, only hers.

Cariadm · 11/12/2024 06:01

User19876536484 · 11/12/2024 04:31

She wasn’t judging their physique, only hers.

She was by default...🙄

Marblesbackagain · 11/12/2024 06:16

NerdWhoEatsMedlar · 09/12/2024 09:54

He phrased it like a total twat, but might mean this.

Do you have sensible adult woman shaped hips?
Do your gym bunny friends have slim hips that resemble adolescent boys.

Keep communicating, his words were tactless, hopefully his meaning is better.

Wow shaming women for their hip size,

So being size 14-16 is sensible though likely put women in the overweight category or more. But if size 8, more likely healthy BMi resemble an adolescent boy, wow

Well you clearly don't have a chip or chips on your shoulder do you?

rookiemere · 11/12/2024 06:55

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

He sounds absolutely horrible and not amazing at all.

OPs DH made a factual remark not realising this is apparently a cardinal error, yours is deliberately insulting and belittling you.

pumpkinpillow · 11/12/2024 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

The person who is meant to love you most in the world tells you this? Does it make you feel good?

Whoknew24 · 11/12/2024 08:09

I think your self esteem is low. I think you were having a little dig about your friends having c sections and it majorly ended up backfiring on you. I am classed as a petite gym goer I’m a size 8 and workout 4/5 times a week.

I have 4 children first birth was natural but lots of complications so next 3 were c sections due to this. So slim girls are capable of having a natural birth. And regardless how the baby got here as long as mum and baby are safe that’s all that matters.

You can tell him how much it’s upset you so he knows what’s going on. You can then decide what you want to do for you whether that’s loose weight or if you’re happy to remain as you are. But only do that for yourself.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 11/12/2024 09:59

Biggergirl16 · 09/12/2024 09:40

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

He didn’t say anything wrong—you are bigger.

The real question is: are you happy with your current size and embracing it, or do you want to make a change?

Disturbia81 · 11/12/2024 10:16

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

This is abusive. Life is short, you don't need to stay with someone so awful.

Goodtogossip · 11/12/2024 10:18

He didn't call you fat so I think you're over reacting slightly. By 'bigger' could he have meant you're taller, or slightly heavier than the others, but not in a nasty way, meaning they're slight petite women or maybe he thinks they're under weight & that you're bigger, meaning healthier. I wouldn't take offence as he obviously finds you attractive if he's wanting cuddles in bed still. Try not to think to much into it & have confidence in yourself.

izimbra · 11/12/2024 11:25

LetsNCagain · 09/12/2024 13:27

While I'm here can I just point out that the phrase "natural birth" pisses me off and I'm sure I'm not the only one. [Not directed at op but the many pp who have used the phrase]

Giving birth vaginally isn't necessarily "natural" as there are heaps of interventions that you could argue aren't "natural". Pain relief, instruments, episiotomy, antibiotics, etc. Even if you didn't use them, they were there as backup, and thank god they were.

Ffs why is it that making use of the miracle of modern medicine should be something we're supposed to be ashamed of?! Only in childbirth apparently.

Without intravenous antibiotics, I'd have died of sepsis after my first birth. So would many other mums. So, kindly FO with "natural birth"

Most people don't use the term 'natural birth' any more. They might talk about 'normal' or 'physiological' birth which pisses people off even more.

But saying vaginal birth is both 'normal' and 'natural' is both accurate and not actually a value judgement. Give it another few years and vaginal birth won't be 'normal' any more because the caesarean rate is increasing further and faster than ever before. At least in the UK.

"Pain relief, instruments, episiotomy, antibiotics, etc. Even if you didn't use them, they were there as backup, and thank god they were."

For a while now people in the maternity sphere have raised concerns about rocketing rates of intervention in birth, and they're right to do so. If rates of induction and unplanned caesarean are going through the roof and it's not been accompanied by a significant improvement in maternal and infant outcomes then that's a problem. That's not a moral judgement and no woman should feel victimised by that discussion. The focus in these discussions in on how care is delivered, not on the birth choices or experiences of individual women.

"Without intravenous antibiotics, I'd have died of sepsis after my first birth. So would many other mums. So, kindly FO with "natural birth"

I was poorly with an infection following my first birth too. On reflection having my waters broken because of the very slow progress I made in my labour after having an epidural, followed by multiple vaginal examinations by an ever changing parade of staff, finishing with a forceps delivery - because by that time I was too knackered to push and stuck on my back, might have played some role in this. For my next two births I stayed at home. A lot of the problems women have emerging from their births, particularly infections, unplanned caesareans, antibiotic use and instrumental care, are linked to the way care is delivered in hospital.

Teddybear23 · 11/12/2024 11:52

WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 09:46

I’m sure that was a bit hurtful, but that is how he sees you. He didn’t say anything insulting, just a statement of fact.

Until recently I was a big 14 and my husband never mentioned it. I really wish he’d said something to shock me into addressing it sooner as I was in denial.

I don’t actually consider 14 big, just average.

Problemzapper · 11/12/2024 12:08

Biggergirl16 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Thanks everyone. Very mixed comments here so will just take it as face value and I’m being over sensitive. He is a brilliant dad and supportive husband. Just doesn’t have a way with words!

I understand how hurtful it is when you're struggling to lose weight and a blunt/clumsy comment from your partner knocks you back. I went up 2 dress sizes after having my daughter and after returning to work a year later I received dozens of well meaning but upsetting remarks from colleagues in the large organisation I work for congratulating me on being pregnant again!! I would get embarrassed and deny I was pregnant, just eaten a big lunch etc.

That was bad enough, but one day my DH grabbed me playfully around the waste from behind and jokingly jiggled my big stomach with his hands, and I immediately got upset with him - I think we expect our partners to be our champions/ towers of strength, and when they do or say anything that highlights our weaknesses we feel extremely vulnerable, as who else can we get the support we need from? Vanity isn't something men are so hung up about so don't always understand how we feel, and some just don't know what to say or how to behave sometimes - but they are the ones like yours and mine who are the most supportive overall, and the fact that he read your expression and adjusted what he was going to say showed he knew immediately he had boobed, and is sorry and wants to make you realise he loves you as you are.😀