My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

Ek it's tough to hear but you said yourself you're a size 14 which is big. But big women are attractive to men too and your husband obviously doesn't have a problem with you being big. So not sure why you have the ick. Is it because you hoped he saw you a slimmer women even though you're obviously not?

This
Also, he realises that his comments (unintentional) hurt you and wanted to cuddle you in bed that night. That speaks volumes.
Good luck with your progressive weight loss journey and great that you are feeling good about yourself. Long may it continue!

Vinted classifies a size 14 as XL which was a bit of a shock to me .
Deciding if a size 14 is big depends very much on perspective and is a subjective measure.

If you can pinch visible fat and your waist is more than 31 inches ( sadly yes for me for both of those) then it's likely you could do with losing a bit of weight.

I guess the point is that you were comparing people who work out and are strong and fit with someone who is more sedentary, you did NOT mention appearance (which isn't related to strength- im slim due to stress but very unfit at the moment!) but he immediately went to comparing you and your friends appearances. Explain to him that part was inappropriate and hurtful.

But she didn't say teeny tiny. She said fit and strong.

It's a bit of a subtle distinction to be sure.
Maybe an easier way to avoid it is for OP to avoid musing in front of her DH about anything that could lead to discussion of her physique compared to her friends.

Aww I can totally relate but it doesn’t sound like he was being cruel. In life we all gonna hurt the ones we love. If I were you I would just be open as you are here, that it’s hurtful and you’re not satisfied sexually, not feeling good, trying to lose weight, it sounds like this was just a nail in a coffin, as you said, there are other things going on that made this more painful.

'So being size 14-16 is sensible though likely put women in the overweight category or more.'...'overweight' FFS!!! You say this sooo casually and this is the basis of the problem!🙄
Women sadly have been brainwashed into the idea that 'perfection' is for an adult woman's to have the body of a teenager (oh except for the massive boobs of course!) and anything over a size 8 is considered gross or even worse 'fat'. 😠
This total and encouraged obsession with 'skinniness' has led to a huge rise in anorexia and many young girls (and boys) being clinically depressed because they simply cannot attain these impossible ideals of body weight and size, their self confidence is shattered and their feeling of 'self worth' on the floor! 😥
This desperately needs to stop but unfortunately with the advent of online influence growing exponentially as it has (TikToc etc) the chances of this happening are probably zero and girls and women will continue to have for role models images of women who can only maintain their tiny skeletal frames by hardly or not eating or photos that have been heavily 'photoshopped' constantly shoved in their faces...😱

I’m sorry you went through an eating disordered but 14 is big. And that’s just fact. It’s not necessarily fat but it is big. And pretending it’s not isn’t going to stop anorexia.

It's really not big.

Whether a 14-16 is 'big' or not will completely depend on that person's height, and also where they buy their clothes.

For goodness sake. Why do we have to endlessly debate something so subjective and relative and variable as whether a size 14 is 'big'? The man didn't even say it was big. He described the OP as bigger. As in bigger than the women at the gym. The OP could be a size 10 and bigger than those women. Just like she could be a size 20 and smaller than some other women. Her husband wasn't using it as an adjective but as a comparative adjective and that makes a world of difference.

He said 'bigger', not 'big' - meaning relative to something else. Clumsy wording from him but just an expression of fact, really.

I'm a 'bigger' girl relative to my friends at size 10/12, because I'm 5 inches taller than them and have wide hips/shoulders where they don't.

You just need to get out of the mindset that smaller is somehow superior

Hard when the world thinks small = better. So of course hearing "bigger" from the person you are intimate and vulnerable with will hurt.

I have no clue of tik tok or the nonsense you are talking. I am referring to medical fact of weight and healthy bands not exceptional at either end.

I stated a fact the majority of women of average height size 14 -16 are overweight in BMI terms. That is a medical fact all research report this quite regularly .

Being within a healthy BMI is for health reasons not appearance. But yes it is preferable for the individual and society. The cost of the obesity crises in countries is growing.

And part of the problem is the so called body positivity when the individuals are so large they are restricted from engaging in typical activities.

Hospitals are being forced to buy beds to facilitate humans who are now tipping weight that is completely impossible for health to be maintained.

The reality is that for women of average height which is c. 5'4" a size 10/12 is typically within healthy weight. After that the individual would need to be taller to meet the criteria.

I am 5'9" a size 10, if I was a 16 I would definitely be in the overweight if not obese category! As I am significantly taller than the average I fail to see how you are deducing the opposite!

Your take on my post was unfair. Medical facts should be kept at the centre of these discussions and not the societal exceptionally small or larger individuals.

Saying someone isn't obese when they are is not kind, it doesn't help them get healthy. Being honest isn't hurtful it is to try and help someone return to a healthy weight to have a longer and healthier life.

I think you might be missing my original comment - 'bigger' is not 'big'
I completely agree that it's a neutral word
I was responding to the bitchy cow who assumed I was overweight because of that

OMG how can there be 467 comments on this thread?

If OP is a size 14 she is a "bigger girl" whether overweight because she's short, or not overweight because she's above average height - but being above average height - that still makes her a bigger girl!

This is all about whether OP is U or not to be insulted because of how her dh describes her. My dh is overweight and I would say so and I would not expect him to be running to Mumsnet all upset that I described him (to him) as overweight because that would make him look really childish.

I find this absurd the hatred you seem to have for us slim women. Regardless of all the hate you all spout I bet my life on it it’s nothing mote than jealousy.

My size 8 frame is not skeletal, it’s a nice lean and toned shape. I also do not starve myself. I eat extremely well and exercise a lot throughout the week. I do this because having any weight on me rolls of fat, over spilling fat, cellulite etc would depress me out my mind. I absolutely feel great when I fit and slim. And after having 4 children I’d say I’m the best shape I’ve ever been in.

And fyi lots of men must like my terrible skeletal frame as I still get lots of attention, I often find it weird looking at pictures from 50s 60s and 70s most resemble my figure I wonder what went wrong.

“…a big 14”

Really?!?!?!?!

Nobody 'hates' or is jealous of you and if that's the conclusion you came to after reading my post well I guess that says more about you than it does about me?! 🙄
Your fervent and bristling description of your perceived perfection, of being able to eat well, exercise and be so attractive to men came across as smug because you completely ignored my concerns re anorexia and the low self esteem felt by many young girls not lucky enough to be able to maintain a 'slim' body for whatever reason! 😳
You have missed the point entirely and made it all about yourself... ☹️

Not sure if your reply was to me but if so I most certainly DID NOT personally have an eating disorder... Please reread my post! 😠
'Size' when applied to the body is subjective and it is NOT a 'fact' that a 14 is 'big' per se but obviously it's 'bigger' than the say an 8 or a 10!! 🤔
Why on earth you would make any correlation between 'pretending' what size someone might be and the reasons for the development of anorexia is just bizarre and frankly shows your complete lack of understanding of the subject in general...🙄

So you think your rant about slim people was ok. Thats the issue with people like you, you’ve convinced yourself that big is a real woman etc and all the slim people are skeletal and starve themselves. No most get off their backside and maintain it. And you were absolutely having a dig at slimmer people and being down right nasty.

I stand by my comments it’s jealousy, just like the original poster was jealous of her slim friends. She tried to have a little dig and it backfired.

Hi, sorry it was in response to another poster stating she had anorexia and its dangerous to say a 14 size is big.

@Cariadm That was to me.. I said I was anorexic at size 10 and slim at size 14. So its dangerous for that poster to say all size 14s are big. The majority aren't