To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

My mum was pretty strict but when I was at college she never expected me to contribute any money or help with chores around the house. Looking back I also spent many nights in a year at my boyfriend's house. He was an only child and I liked the attention I received there. It all changed. The relationship broke down and I moved on. It is what happens when you are 18. You need to be more laid back otherwise it will damage your relationship for good. Let her go and stop putting pressure on her. It doesn't matter if she is spending more time at her dad's or with an aunt. It isn't a competition.

People assuming I've told DD everything outlined in my OP, I have not!

What I've told her is as follows:

• it's not acceptable for her to tell me to fuck off and I deserved an apology (I got a half arsed one via text)
• it's not appropriate for her boyfriend to get involved in our discussions and to tell her to hang up on me
• it's not acceptable to do zero housework- even just wiping down the shower she uses is a start
• it's not acceptable to let her little sister down when she's promised her she will be there
• I miss her and I'd like to see her more often

Those are the things she's aware of in terms of my feelings.

What do you hope to gain by getting medication from the GP and what medication are you asking for? It just seems like a desperate attempt to fix this but it won’t.

@Coconutter24
Something to help me sleep and to reduce the panic attacks.

She's a schoolgirl. She is behaving unacceptably, but how did it get to the stage where she is working so much (at all??) during her A-levels year and out overnight at all? Is her boyfriend also still at school? Her school? What do his parents think of their new housemate, I wonder? They must be bloody thrilled. 🙄

I would assume they will break up soon enough given how young they are, but you can't start talk about moving out, paying board, giving up her bedroom etc. to a girl who is still literally in school. She might be technically and legally an adult, but that feels like a quirk of the British system where adults can still also effectively be schoolchildren rather than this being about an adult living in your home.

I would probably change the conversation away from rudeness/bad behaviour/treating you like a hotel to "can we focus on exams and university now" instead - what is she doing, what is she hoping to get in her a-levels, where does she intend to apply to for university, and how can you support her with that (which will mean actually studying, for a start). Talk to her school too - what are her reports like, what are her predicted grades, what do they think is going to happen to her next year?

Where she ends up next September is very much going to affect you, so I would focus on that.

This is actually quite normal for her to prioritise herself and her bf at this age, her frontal lobe hasn’t fully developed yet.
They also have a lot of hormone changes and all of this can make them quite selfish.

I wouldn’t be charging her board, it’s great she’s working and going to school. But maybe set some boundaries about doing her own washing.
Please don’t encourage her to move out with this Bf. They are 18, there’s a high chance he’s not gonna last, they could break up next week and honestly you are just gonna set her up to fail.

It’s really uncalled for to tell you to “Fuck off” but again the frontal lobe. I would set some boundaries with her about lifts, specify she needs to ask by a certain time as you aren’t a taxi and have your own life.
This is all just a phase and it’ll pass, you just need to hold on and she will come back to you.

In terms of her education plans. She wanted to apply for uni next year but she has changed her mind since meeting the boyfriend and now is talking about a gap year.

I wouldn’t say anything yet. Try and calm down. I would be wary of pushing her further away. I say this as someone who had an unsuitable boyfriend at that age but it was easier to be with him than at home. Does he stay at your house?

The first one is fine, the others are all annoyances, but not actually relevant the most important thing going on here, which should be her A-levels. Pick ONE battle (education!) and ditch the rest for now, at least until the exams are over.

I wouldn't be surprised to see the boyfriend's mum on here soon complaining that her son's girlfriend has basically moved in and doesn't pay board!

I agree with @wolfhat She let me spread my wings and made sure I knew this was always my home so if bf or uni went wrong I had somewhere to turn.

Can you remember being 18? I can. I was always out. Your proposed rules sound draconian and will only serve to push her away. I absolutely would not stand for being told to fuck off, ever, but apart from that, I’d let her crack on. 18 year olds can be very self-centred.

Maybe she felt pushed out when you had a baby at what is often a difficult transition age for teens.

Honestly, 17 yos can be like this.

I would just smile and nod. She’s savjng you a lot in breakfast cereals.

And she’d still be asking you for lifts if she spent all her time with you.

It feels like you just want her home to do chores or get some benefit (board) from her being there, she’s your child, even at 18, perhaps think about what you can do for her rather than what she should contribute to your household…just let the poor girl be, you might entice her to be home more if you were more welcoming and thinking less about what you can get out of her.

I think your reaction is odd - panic attacks and crying yourself to sleep over this is not proportional, perhaps talking therapy might be an option to get to the root of this issue?

The gap year is bad news. What did she WANT to do? How can you work to sell this to her as being the best possible outcome for next September? Can her Dad come on board and big up the benefits of uni?

No man will ever give up his education/future for her, and she is delusional to do that for this randomer she is dating right now.

If her boyfriend really loves her he will still be there if she is at uni.(I mean, obviously he won't be, he'll vanish in about a fortnight, but she might not know that).

At 18 both my DDs were at Uni so I'm afraid I can't offer any advice but I think @Tengreenbottles2 has given the best response here

If she ultimately leaves because she feels pushed out you may regret it for the rest of your life

Have you asked if the BF wants to spend time at your house and stay over? Try making him feel welcome as well

Are they caused by your DD or do you suffer anyway?

You have two separate but interlinked issues. Your DD reaching 18 and behaving as an 18 year old is triggering old trauma and she’s 18 and behaving like an 18 year old.

Absolutely nothing triggers unresolved trauma like our kids, they’re our closest relationships and we’re heavily invested in them doing ok so of course you’ll be triggered by what you see in her. You need to address the original trauma which is what your GP might be able to help with.

For your own sanity and your relationship with your DD it’s important to recognise it’s the trauma, not her, causing your distress. I’ve had similar with my younger DD and taking that step back to see what was fuelling the fire made a huge difference to how I approached my girl.

Once you’ve done that you can think more clearly about what you want in terms of boundaries. Cleaning up after herself and having a clear focus on her studies is helpful, talking about X number of nights at home and moving bedrooms is much less helpful. Think about the relationship you want from her and work to build that from your end - she needs you to hold the rope for her while she figures things out. So consistently showing understanding, holding your own boundaries, not getting into meaningless conflict, making home an easy place for her to be.

I’d not be asking her about moving out or changing bedrooms, she needs a secure base to navigate from and nothing says “transactional relationship” more than “I have a better use for your room”. It’s clearly been ok for her to take up that space until now, will it really make that much difference for however long she’s at home for.

It’s very hard to loosen the apron strings, but your reaction is pretty extreme - address the trauma and go from there.

I’ve posted a few times on this with advice based on my own experiences. From that last one alone (and then your admission in your next post re panic attacks) all I can say is your poor daughter.

Sushu is quite right and you're very rude.

You just don't want to be told you're wrong.

No wonder she and her b/f prefer it at his home.

No, the gap year is not necessarily "bad news". It depends what she wants to do with it. Young people can grow up a lot during a gap year, whether working or travelling. And they are a lot more mature at uni if they go after the gap year.

Also, university is not for everyone.

1. shes given you an apology whether in your opinion it was half arsed or not. What more do you want that a “sorry, shouldn’t have said that.”? It seems like you won’t let this go and want her to grovel.
2. whether the BF is involved in discussions or not over the phone, he’ll sure as hell be involved once the phone is put down as she’ll likely confide in him. You might not like it but he would have been telling her to put the phone down because you were upsetting her.
3. You either want her to spend more time at home or you don’t. If wiping down the shower is such a dealbreaker then stop nagging her to be home more.
4. unfortunately, 18 year olds are inherently selfish. It’s ok to tell her you’re not happy she let her sister down but again, one conversation and one apology should be enough. Don’t expect her to grovel or keep bringing it up.
5. stop telling her you miss her, it sounds guilt tripping. You can show you miss her by being pleasant when you see her and valuing the time she does spend with you.

If you really want to salvage your relationship with her I really do think you should take note of the perhaps 80% of responses that say you’re pushing her away. We’re not here to make you feel bad. You need to acknowledge that the majority here do think your behaviour is putting more of a wedge between you. We didn’t all wake up this morning and think, “I know what I’ll do today, upset @teenmumstress24 ”, we’re giving honest opinions based on what you’ve told us.

Your current approach isn't working. So my advice is stop doing what you're doing.

She's treating your house like a hotel, the phrase was designed for teenagers!

She is also obviously very comfortable with your relationship, knowing that she doesn't need to be with you allow the time for you to know she loves you. That's a good thing!

No matter how you think you're coming across, be aware that it may not be how she perceives it. I'd back off completely. Let her enjoy the honey moon phase of this relationship knowing that her home and her family are safely there for her whenever she needs them.

And prepare yourself for more of this. We have to get used to our teens flying the nest. It's not easy!

@teenmumstress24 minus the last two which are u acceptable ,,, all of this is the teenage years .
Why would you force someone who isn’t making a mess to do chores ?
yes she lets you down with plans (she is a teenager ) distracted with her first boyfriend .

I wouldn’t force my daughter to move out of leave the door open for her to come back when she needs too

You are missing her and not dealing with it correctly . You have to take a step back don’t be so emotional and needy .

She will be back in time .

Ah I feel for you OP, but I think this is just 18yos for you. I know I wasn't at home much then, and if I was I was in my room. Luckily my parents didn't take it to heart - needless to say I look back now and think they had the patients of saints!

Are you sure she's actually spending the amount of time you think she is with her dad?

Could you try and invite her to do something she'd really enjoy, just you and her? Maybe she'd be more likely to show up for that.

Other than that, I think you might just have to grit your teeth and bear it until this new romance dies down a bit.

I think you're being a bit harsh OP. She's just turned 18, still in education and is sensible enough to be earning her own pocket money. I personally wouldn't charge board until she's in full time work. Obviously the swearing at you is wrong but that's a different issue.

It's unlikely the boyfriend will last forever, let her get on with it and be there for her when it all goes tits up and she moves back in full time.