To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

If she’s still at college doing a levels why is she at her boyfriends 12/14 nights? Surely at this point you should have been clear with her that week nights she’s at home and weekends are for boyfriend?

i would also ask her if it’s fair on her boyfriends family having her there most of the time.

Mine are uni age and ive already told one of them that their girlfriend is welcome for 5 nights over Xmas and that’s it. We need family time together and I expect them to make sure they’re home for a significant part of the holiday without their girlfriend. Surely that’s normal

so yes your DD should be home and doing chores and playing part in family life because she’s not an independent adult yet she’s still an a level student.

I dont think your reaction to this is normal. She's 18, 18 years olds are out there finding their way. Asking for lifts is normal. Being told to fuck off isn't. I dont see what she's doing wrong, or why your reaction is that you need medication for this. It seems like there's more at play here than an 18 year old wanting to live her life.

Poor girl. Sounds a really tough situation for her.

@BeMintBee
I do think I struggling to think clearly about it as I'm very upset and I did acknowledge that in my OP. On a more practical than emotional note though, we could genuinely make better use of the space in her room that isn't being occupied so much of the time. Which was my thinking around the minimum number of nights rule. If she isn't going to be using that space then surely she can be moved to a smaller one, was my point.

While she doesn't live with dad she will see him as not putting demands on her whereas that's probably what she she's from you.
I'm not saying you are I'm pointing out how she sees it.
Time with boyfriend.... all lovely as it's new relationship
Time with dad.... nothing has changed
Time with mum....nag
That's what she's seeing
I don't actually have an answer to this I'm just looking at her viewpoint

@Widowtoo
She goes out regardless of my views. I have expressed that I would prefer her home especially on college nights. She just shrugs and goes anyway.

Is the boyfriend allowed to stay at your house?

I'm not prepared to go into the ins and outs of why it triggers that response for me. It's trauma based. It doesn't really matter why, I mentioned it more to explain that I'm really struggling at the moment with it all and I don't really have anyone else to talk to.

You are over-reacting to a completely normal stage of development. Going to see the GP??

18 year olds want to spread their wings .. it might be Uni, it might be a boyfriend, but they do start spending less time at home, and less time with their parents. They come back again.

Of course she wants to spend time with new boyfriend.. if she’s not at home, less work for you.

The “fuck off” is out of order, but not a deal breaker … just make sure you tell her you don’t want that language going on.

Honestly, compared to a lot of teenagers, you have got it incredibly easy.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to move her to a smaller room but if it’s done in a way that is tied up with all your emotions on this it will come across as a punishment or blackmail rather than a logical solution to the use of space.

I would put the issue you have with her being out so much on the back burner for now and just approach the practical stuff I.e lifts, bedroom space, manners when she is home. Try and reduce the tension in the house and set the boundaries for these things then hopefully the small amount of time she is home will be more pleasant for you both and then hopefully that will give a more positive feel to the relationship.

I'd go with 'nudging' things in the direction you want, ie. choose one issue to address rather than going nuclear on everything.

With regards to the amount of time she spends with her bf it is probably more effective to talk about why this concerns you, but in a way that is vulnerable about your worries for her, rather than you telling her what to do. Sometimes giving your child enough rope but then a safety net to catch them if they fall lets them learn the lessons they need to learn.

Also important that you speak to her about red flags for relationship abuse as I think the rates are highest for young women, so make sure she knows what to look for and that you will be supportive and she can always come to you for help.

I remember being that age... It seems absolutely normal.
The reason why she is pulling away from you and not others is because you are putting pressure on her to have a relationship with you. Imagine if it was a romantic relationship. You would play a role of a "needy partner" and she would be somewhat avoidant. The more you seek reassurance and insist on spending time together, the more the "avoidant" pulls away.
She is 18. She is finding her feet and navigating being an adult. She needs a long leash and an opportunity to make mistakes. Your role as a parent is to give her support in navigating this difficult time. None of us want to spend time with people unless it is easy and pleasurable. The home environment is currently neither.
To the issue of chores - did you have an expectation that she would do chores as a child? If not, then it is not something that will come naturally to her now. That ship has sailed, if you like.
I remember very well dreading my mum's lunchtime call. Because it was never catching up, it was always "have you done this and that and if not, why not?" so I stopped picking up the phone. Only when my mum relaxed and focused on positive interactions, I was able to rebuild relationship with her. You are an adult, she is not. It is up to you to find a way to foster a positive relationship.

She should help out around the place other that that you are being unreasonable she is an adult and not there to be keep you company

And do not put your mental issues on to her that is incredibly unfair to do that to her

I dont think anyone is expecting you to go into the ins and outs. However, you've admitted its triggering for you. This is a you issue, not your DD. So it's about navigating that and not taking it out on your DD.

You're providing her phone so that itself would come with expectations.
I would suggest politeness as one! She's clearly being egged on to be rude by the boyfriend.
And yes, move her to the smaller room - unless she's at yours half the time.
I wouldn't charge board but asking her to clean the shower seems reasonable. Does she do washing at yours?
My suggestion would be
Clean shower after use, or weekly if that's your habit.
Do own washing
Be polite
Outcome: phone bill paid.
Ask politely for lifts and take no for an answer.
Outcome: lifts when convenient
Stay in house half the time.
Outcome: keep larger room.

@Edingril where have I "put my issues on her"??!! That's extremely unfair. She doesn't know I'm seeking MH support nor does she know I'm crying myself to sleep most nights with panic attacks. I keep that to myself so how the hell am I putting it on her?!

@Menace24
Jesus, im not "taking it out on her"?! I'm posting on an anonymous forum for support because I don't have anyone to talk to in real life and I've contacted my GP for support???

@drspouse
No washing, she leaves that for me. So that's a useful rule, thank you

You’re basically telling her be home or move out. You want to remove her safety net in a relationship that sounds new and a bit iffy with her sudden fuck off attitude.

You also cannot main she’s never home but that she also has chores. She should clean up after herself.

Id recommend a chat about changing rooms but then again she might feel your still punishing her for daring to have a life away from you personally.

She likely is happy to see her dad and aunty because they are not moaning at her about chores and trips with a toddler

@Catza
We've always had a lovely relationship and the home environment was previously lovely. She told me to fuck off when I couldn't facilitate a lift and since I haven't had a proper face to face apology for that yet and she hasn't been here longer than 5 minutes to clear the air, it's hardly going to feel amazing. But she's partly responsible for fixing that. She knows she can come home and talk to me, I've asked if we can go for a coffee and chat etc. All she wants is to be with him. So it's just impossible. I'm not ringing her ranting, I'm texting saying are you home today at any point? That sort f of thing. I can't understand how that's an awful atmosphere

@Wellingtonspie
Equally, her dad and auntie don't need to moan about chores or anything really because they're not being contacted for only lifts or cash, and having her washing dumped in their baskets, and having her use their shower and not clean it... etc. The relationship she has with me is entirely transactional and based on what I can do for her, and she has created that not me. That's not the case with anyone else. So why wouldn't anyone else love being around her? They're being viewed and treated very differently by her.

She's 18 but still at college doing A levels? She should be home most nights. Most A level students don't all but move in with a bf or gf. Your home life sounds very dysfunctional sorry. You having a new partner and 3yo has buggered your relationship with her.

Also what's all this stuff about going to the GP? It's not her fault, stop blaming her. I'd get some counselling and calm down. Your behaviour is pushing your dd away.

Teens do want money and lifts, can be lazy about chores and can speak disrespectfully to their parents. It's how you handle it that counts. The PP suggestion that you introduce consequences is a good one.

Christ I was barely home at that age, between work, college and her boyfriend and presumably some friends I wouldn't expect to see her much. Her swearing was uncalled for, but she apologised and it seems to have been an isolated incident. You not sleeping and having a MH decline over the normal lifestyle of an 18 year old is bizarre.
She should leave the bathroom at she found it, do her own washing and be polite. Other than that why should she be doing chores in a house she isn't in to create mess?
That's what young adults should be doing! FWIW I now have multiple degrees, masters, professional qualifications, a good job, my own home. Let her live her life! This seems to be more about you wanting control.

@Janpoppy thanks, that's helpful advice.

You want her to pay board (which covers food and utilities) for a place she’s not staying and therefore isn’t using the food or utilities?

You want her to clean up after other people (she’s not there, you’re saying she’s not there, you’re saying that’s your issue)? Is she a maid?

All while she’s still at school.

I think you’re understandably upset that your relationship with her has changed - however, given that (rightly or wrongly) she has confidantes in both her dad and her boyfriend and a strained relationship with you - can you imagine her relaying this to them, their input into that and the further damage this would do to your relationship?

‘So your mum only cares about you for the money? She wants to charge you for not even being there?’
‘What, so she expects you to go back and clean their mess when you didn’t even make it yourself? Is that how she sees you, as their maid?’.

I’m not saying that’s what you’re actually thinking, I think looking from the outside you are struggling with loss of control and this is a desperate attempt to try to regain some. However, you can’t control an 18 year old who is reasonably self sufficient (own job for pocket money and two alternative safe places to stay…) so this is not a battle you’re going to win. You will just do more damage to your relationship.

I would pay her phone bill if you are still receiving child benefit for her (or she could argue it should actually be paid to where she’s mostly living, whether that’s his house or her dad’s), but if you’re not receiving it then I wouldn’t pay it any more. I think that’s a reasonable response - you want to be independent, ok fine but you can’t pick and choose when.

Equally the room situation - I would just tell her you’ve decided to swap the rooms around as little sister needs the space for her toys and she’s rarely in her room and will be even less so when she goes to uni. Don’t make it an ‘I’ll do X if you do Y’ though - again that’s just trying to control her and it’ll push her away. Just explain why you’re making the choice you’re making regarding the rooms.

Ultimately though, your mental health and past trauma is not her problem and you need to be very careful not to let the two things intermingle to the point you lose sight of what is and is not reasonable.