To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

Thank you @Mikki77! Yes, tricky is definitely the word! Makes toddlers look like a breeze and that's saying something 😂

@teenmumstress24 Then just don’t reply to me. It doesn’t sit well with me to read you continue with your victim stance and laying into other posters, when many of your posts have been vile. This is an open forum and I will reply to what I want.

@Plastictrees may I suggest you seek professional help for your desperate need to be acknowledged on an online forum and to involved yourself in the situation of a complete stranger, despite repeated requests by someone not to. That's a hugely unhealthy pattern of behaviour.

Perhaps a bit of self - reflection on your part might be wise as for some reason only known to yourself, you seem to enjoy highlighting the OP's flaws or your perception of them, going on about your profession doesn't offer validity to them.

Also, at 09:10 on Monday morning I stated:

I'm not prepared to go into the ins and outs of why it triggers that response for me. It's trauma based.

And yet a "psychologist" feels the need to pop along over 48 hours later and go "I think there's a lot of unresolved stuff here"

No shit? Obviously I know that, hence why I highlighted it myself 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Goldenbear
It's worrying, genuinely, that a person of that profession would engage in such a persistent pattern of communication with a stranger on an online forum, when they have repeatedly and clearly outlined how it is unhelpful. There are numerous helpful posts on here that I've taken things from, and I've said so many times. Yet this "professional" is so determined to have the last word and have their point of view acknowledged, that their engagement with the thread is now a little disturbing frankly.

Yes, should be a no go zone.

Glad it's improving - good luck with it all!

@Goldenbear
You've been such a support on this thread, thank you, truly

Also, the irony of this is beautiful.

"Just don't reply to me then", whilst stating "it doesn't sit well with me that you continue with your victim stance"

Ok, may I then suggest that you internalise your own advice here, and perhaps stop reading things online that "don't sit well with you"? Or, if you must read them, perhaps don't respond to them?

Two options for you there. Based on your own advice, so even better 😀

Yes, it is and it is ashame as puts people (mums) off support from this forum, nobody wants to be belittled and have their posts twisted and the meaning changed. It is completely unfair and you have ended up having to digress from the heartfelt issues which you explained clearly. Good luck!

Yes, it is truly bewildering🙄

My son is 18 and very much my dependent..I still make him porridge and buy his trousers

Also finding this hilarious: many of your posts have been vile

Really? Such as....? Emotionally charged maybe. In response to the tone of the comments as I was receiving. But "vile"?

Sorry, was I the person who said "better luck with your second family, hopefully you'll do a better job" and "no wonder your daughter doesn't want to be at home"? My mistake, no, I didn't - that was the sort of "vile" shit that was thrown at me!

If people really can find any of that remotely defensible and acceptable, then I do not respect their opinion anyway, because comments like that are what I consider "vile". Especially to a person who has admitted in their OP - and several times thereafter - how much they are struggling emotionally and mentally.

I do not appreciate false statements about my posts. Anyone can read them for themselves, anyway and form their own opinions.

@Katemax82
Ah that's lovely! My daughter doesn't wake up early enough for porridge, we don't usually see her until 2pm earliest on a weekend, she'd probably throw it at me if I tried to do give her food any earlier (tongue in cheek, obvs 😂)

💖

My god this thread is unhinged 😂😂

@jeaux90

Yes, I read something about the teenage brain being basically comparable to a toddler's brain and that the key developmental stages for adulthood are yet to take place pre age 25. Really useful to try and keep that in mind as much as possible when I'm tearing my hair out! 😂

This ^ ❤️‍🩹

@EvieandFlosMum
You sound lovely. Thank you for your post. Especially this: it sounds like you’ve taken it very personally but the way I see it is that you’ve done a great job in raising an independent young girl. She’s confident to go out in the world and start to carve her own life. She’ll come back to you.

I welled up 😩💖

I'm afraid I'm very late to this thread, but just wanted to say I was glad to read your update with your daughter. Her validation that you're a good mother is all you need as she's the only one who knows first hand, not some Internet trolls. Hopefully you're feeling a little better too. Her boyfriend actually sounds quite nice so that'll be something for you to look forward to, getting to know him better.

The only thing I really wanted to add is that I went through similar with my DD1 (27 now) and it's so difficult to release those apron strings a little. It's so hard to navigate, but we're really close now. DD2 (22 now) is very different though and spends most of her time at home with her boyfriend, he actually lives with us now, so maybe it won't be the same with your DD2.

Best of luck with it all - you've got this mamma

I am pleased you and your daughter have come to some understanding and long May it continue.
My mother billed me for the clothes and other things I had cost her after I turned 16. I was nearly 19 when I left school so it was 3 years worth of expenses. My last birthday present was when I was 11, so that was a freebie 😁 I would have cared less if she had allowed me to leave at 16 to get the job in Barclays Bank I wanted. But to charge me for being a burden when refusing to let me earn anything seemed somewhat unfair. ..especially when I didn’t even know I was running up a bill lol. I should have reciprocated with a bill for being maidservant and skivvy for most of my life 🤣

Anyway, I wish you and your daughter a happy future as the relationship adapts to changing circumstances.

OP I can echo other posters who have been through this.

Aged 18 I met a boy, was never home and my mum offered me the option to move out or have the smaller room. I left that day. Subsequent attempts for her to contact me fell on my deaf ears, she was telling me she missed me, that my younger sister did too and to please come home.

Long story short, I actually cut my entire family out of my life for about two years, he was abusing me mentally and physically and I thought it was love. One evening, I plucked up the courage to call my mum (after two years of complete no contact) and ask her to come and pick me up. She did, I left him and we never spoke of it again.

We're better than ever now, and I'm not trying to worry you- but to put into perspective that nothing my mum did worked in our situation, I feel awful for how I behaved to this day.

You'll both get through this, my advice would be to be as casual as possible, as from my own experience any offers to meet me or phone calls pushed me further away

Hello OP.

I'm glad to hear your updates that you have had a good talk and that your daughter is going to spend more time at home. I think you've had a lot of good advice on this thread.

I do think you need to try and get to know the boyfriend and invite him around to your house - your daughter may spend more time at home if her boyfriend can come with her. Initially, I thought he sounded like a bit of an oik, but in your update where he told her she was out of order for telling you to FO, I think he might actually be OK.

One of my favourite phrases is "This too shall pass" - It's more often used in relation to tiny babies who won't sleep, but I actually think it can be applied to many stages of parenting - particularly when they're being rude and disrespectful and when they're besotted with a new boyfriend - as long as you keep the lines of communication open and let them know that they're always welcome at home - they will always come back. Also "It will be OK in the end - If it's not OK, then it isn't the end"

It's hard not to take things personally, but remember - they're always the most horrible to the person they trust the most - because they know you love them unconditionally.

Good luck, I hope your relationship with your daughter goes from strength to strength

I agree.
It's very normal (if not totally healthy) for her to always be with a new bf at that age there's not a lot you can do.
You COULD tell her you're thinking of swapping rooms if the 3year old needs more space but tbh if you DO want her back then making her room as appealing as possible and with a double bed is sensible

You are basically blaming your DD for your MH issues. This is why she is keeping away from you. My two boys have just been through this transitional stage. If she is safe, working and going to college, it's fine. It sounds like you're looking to make your relationship worse