To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

@pookie999

You are basically blaming your DD for your MH issues.

You are basically making that up. Where, please do quote me, have I "blamed" my daughter for my "MH issues"?

This is why she is keeping away from you.

Is she? Because she's currently at home, and this evening we've sat together and had a real laugh together and enjoyed each other's company.

May I suggest that, as a minimum, you read an OP's most recent updates when you come to a thread over 72 hours after it was started?

I'm so sorry for your awful experience @DearDenimEagle

And thank you x

Thank you 💖

Thanks @Coxy1234 💖

Her validation is indeed all I need x

OP I do sympathise with you as I had very similar with my daughter and probably worse. Its so hard to handle the situation without pushing her away and towards the boyfriend even more . All I can say only pick the really important fights such a rudeness and antisocial behaviour within the family. Make sure she knows she is loved and wanted ( not always easy when they are being vile) and you do not want her to leave home . Forget housework, size of room etc . That's just adding to the stress. I am afraid it is fairly normal behaviour at this age and although it's currently hard to believe it will pass! Once she leaves college, goes to work and makes new friends the boyfriend will probably be history, if not you are going to have to bite your lip and make him welcome in your home . Remember forbidden fruit is always the most inviting!
My daughter eventually rounded the corner and has turned into a wonderful woman.
Just keep on letting her know how much you all love her . Good luck 💐

I really feel for you here but in all honesty ( and I hate to say this) I feel you are pushing her away by trying to do the opposite in that you are clinging onto her for dear life! The phrase “”if you love them, set them free“ is absolutely right. I think you’ll find this is the reason she spends time with her father but chooses not to be at your home quite so much. I wouldn’t expect her to do housework if she’s only there for a few days each fortnight. How long has she been with the boyfriend? You might find a it’ll fizzle out in a few months. I would perhaps give it another four or five months and then swap the rooms around so that she has a smaller bedroom. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong, but I think possibly feels you are a threat to her relationship with her boyfriend hence she is keeping you at arm’s length. I realise it must feel very hurtful, but I think by giving her a little more freedom and relaxing into the situation you might find she comes back to you of her own free will and it will certainly help your emotional well-being. My 17-year-old daughter has a boyfriend who for several months stayed here pretty much most of the week. They now split their time a little more evenly between here and the boyfriend’s house although they do tend to be here a little more of the time. My situation might be different because I absolutely adore her boyfriend and I’ve met his family. His parents are lovely people and perhaps this might be the route to take. Maybe you need to show her that you are absolutely embracing the situation and perhaps invite the parents around for coffee. You might find this breaks the ice and makes things a little easier on you all. I wish you all the best.