To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

The problem is, most people are saying this because that’s how it appears based on what you’re saying and what you’re focusing on.

That is also more than likely how it feels to your daughter, and why she’s pulling away from you and towards others.

You want suggestions of how to improve things, but your ideas are just more things which will attempt to exert more control and which will drive her away faster and further. So people aren’t agreeing with you and you’re getting more and more annoyed.

But you still can’t see why she might be avoiding you.

You either want to try to repair your relationship with your daughter - in which case take the advice on offer from the neural third parties offering it - or you believe that’s what you want, but you actually just want to get her back under your control, which is why you’re so frustrated when people are not agreeing that this is what you should do.

The fact that you’re huffing and puffing when people aren’t falling into line and agreeing with you hints loudly at why your daughter does seem to prefer spending time with others vs you though. From your first post, I didn’t think that, I just thought you had good intentions but were going about things the totally wrong way. From the responses to not hearing what you like, I think you may just be the problem….

That's helpful, thank your

OP, I went through exactly this with my mum when I was 18. I was spending all my time with my new boyfriend, and my mum was offended and took it all very personally. She tried to implement a lot of strange rules to try and force me to be home more, all it did was drive more of a wedge between us.

I am an adult now and she and I are okayish, but it was indicative of her constant need to try and control my life, and the over-reaction any time she felt it was out of her control. We'd definitely be closer were it not for that.

My dd was like this when she was 16/17 and I thought I'd lost her, but now she's 22 and come back home for a bit after uni. We are closer than ever.
There is hope but you have to hold very lightly right now

.If we think you're coming across as controlling, imagine how it would feel to her.

For your own sanity you need to lower your expectations. I'd you want to maintain a relationship with her then "let her go" in your mind, not literally, whilst continuing a safe space for her at home.
See her room as her safety place and anchor to you and your family.

There's bee many kind and helpful posts in amongst a lot of unpleasantness which I'm just filtering out now. To those posters who have been helpful without being unpleasant; thank you so much

Having been the teenager in this scenario, I think it's completely normal. The swearing and rudeness isn't ok, I would pull her up on that. But I met my now DH at 17 and basically dropped my mum like a hot turd the minute we got together. I'm 34 now and talked to my mum about it since and at the time I didn't realise how much it hurt her. But she never brought it up. She was always happy for me, happy I'd met someone that brought out the best in me (I think they secretly love DH more than me sometimes).

But I think at this age it's normal for them to start making their own way in the world. It's going to hurt especially if not long ago you were very close. But I'd still include her, still invite her (but remind her not to commit if she's going to let her little sister down) and also maybe you don't mention to her little sister that big sister will be coming along, then if she does come, it's a bonus.

Putting rules and conditions on her living situation is only going to push her away. Id agree with a discussion about her moving to a smaller room. But see what she says, hopefully she will able to have a conversation about it.

So, with as much kindness as possible, this is the melodrama to which I was previously referring. Do you by any chance speak to your daughter like this when she does or says things you don’t like? If so, I’d strongly advise that you stop.

OP I’m not trying to be rude but you sound like my mum so much. To you, you’re being a loving caring mum but you’ve openly said you miss her etc and have said this to her and have used her sister as a way of showing this. That’s guilt tripping. That’s trying to appease you; not your daughter. You’re coming across as over bearing and as if you can’t let her go. Again, I’ve been this teen and as a mum myself now I can’t for the life of me understand how some mums can feel happy nearly forcing their children to spend time with them knowing they’d rather be else where. I felt like this for so long with my mum, see since she’s calmed down and stopped guilt tripping me and excessively telling me how much she’s loves me etc? I literally have seen her 100 times more than I used to. Because she’s a safe space again and we can talk and confide in each other without consequences or weaponising said conversations and it’s lovely and I’m relieved to have my mum back. This is the same mum I didn’t want to tell I was engaged because of her behaviour which is so similar to your own.

Just stop. Honestly you are making things worse

I have a 26 year old and an 18 year old so I'm fairly up to speed with late teens and their behaviours

There should be boundaries she does not cross - telling you to fuck off is one of them.

Mooning over her and telling her you miss her and you're sad isn't helping here. Neither is trying to come up with 'punishments' and rules to make her stay at home more often.

Even if you're inwardly gritting your teeth, show a relaxed front. Back off completely and just be a steady presence in the background. This doesn't mean being some sort of doormat at her beck and call but it does mean adjusting your parenting style because right now it isn't producing the results you want

Jesus Christ, I wonder why your daughter stays out a lot...

And - sorry to say - your 'trauma responses being triggered' isn't her business or concern.

Op, I'm so sorry for the responses your getting. My DD is only 2 and I'm already dreading the day she grows up and no longer depends on me!

Unfortunately, I Don't think there is anything you should do here. I don't think forcing a rule of X amount of nights at home is good idea. Putting pressure on her by asking her when she's home, how long for, you miss her etc will be causing stress - which means she's less likely to want to come home and spend time if she thinks your going to be emotional or asking her questions of when she will be home next etc. She's 18 now, legally an adult and should be allowed to be treated like one. I think going with the flow will be your friend here really, step back slightly and let her come back to you.

We all remember being 'in love' when we were younger - all you want to do is spend all your time with them. Maybe you could invite them both out together to something? I know you probably don't want to spend much time with him, but if she's so wrapped up in her love bubble, this may be a better option to see her more than you are now.
This will probably pass, its new and exciting. She's being extremely clever to not want to move out, she wants to keep her stability at home and know she has somewhere to return to if they break up etc.

Unfortunately, and i really do say this with all the love and compassion, I really dont think she is doing anything wrong here (minus the fuck off issue) - it's just an uncomfortable transition that every parent will go through at some stage. But please don't make it feel like she HAS to spend time with you, as it will push her away.

You've raised a strong, independent woman who is starting to create her own life outside your home. It's horrible I imagine, but inevitable.
Wishing you all the best OP, but please try and make peace with your daughter growing in independence - especially for your own health's sake x

You seem to be saying contradictory things - if you want her to be closer to you why would you take actions likely to push her away. Asking an 18 year old at college for rent is pretty unreasonable. If it really makes a difference to you, you could have the conversation about moving her room to a smaller one but even that may be tricky - kicking her out obviously will damage your relationship and send her towards the asshole boyfriend. Asking her to do certain home chores whilst at home is reasonable - but they should be in line with what you expected beforehand as she was growing up. Suddenly changing your expectations for chores as punishment for her having more independence is weird.

@loveulotslikejellytots
Thanks for that. That's helpful.

Just to say, I didn't tell her little sister she was coming out with us - she told her little sister herself. To which her little sister was dancing about all excited, and then she just didn't turn up the next day. I had a very upset 3 year old on my hands and that's not OK, imo.

Also; I don't believe he brings out the best in her unfortunately. Her attitude is awful since he's been on the scene, an example of being told to fuck off. She's never, ever said anything remotely like that to me in her life. She's not herself.

Everything is going to be alright, it's a phase and your DD is finding herself in the adult world, it may take a while but she'll come full circle. In the meantime time just try and go with the flow and just be there if and when she needs it. Obviously being told to F off is not OK but sounds like she sort of apologised most likely she is embarrassed.

I'm also going to agree you probably should have a chat with your GP to try and get a hold of your anxiety.

I agree with this. Complaining she asks for lifts, but then when her boyfriend learns to drive so he takes her, it's also bad "he's seemingly the taxi now." To her it will feel like she's constantly being picked at whatever she does, so she is avoiding being at home.

This was my life as a teenager. Mom had a boyfriend and they made it clear I wasn't welcome so I got boyfriends so I could be out their house. Moaning at me about not doing cleaning when I was out the house as much as possible, complaining as soon as I got in the door. I moved out after she wanted money from me.

Her boyfriend would have been "chirping up to say put the phone down" because he knows how upset his girlfriend gets about all this.

You should decide what you want OP. If your priority is the relationship between you, I'd drop all these new rules you've created about cleaning, paying and taking her big room away... and just say to her she needs to speak to you politely, and when she is at home be conscious of how you speak to her. Are you immediately complaining as soon as she walks in the door?

If you'd like her to move out so you can be with just your new boyfriend and child then I'd say carry on as you are.

Correct: Which is precisely why I haven't told her🙄

To be honest I think you’re the one giving her mixed messages. You’re desperate to see her more, but you’re also giving her an ultimatum that will push her away and damage your relationship further. You’re not going to get the soft result you want with a hard approach.

That’s not fair just to blame the boyfriend. Again, my mum done the same. ‘He’s changed you, you weren’t like this before’ etc etc. when the reality was she was going on like I had moved to the other side of the earth with no hope of returning, being controlled by a bad person who was turning her little girl against her. The actual reality was I was happy and young and in love and wanted to spend time with my boyfriend and her dramatics and guilt tripping made me not want me to spend time with her and get agitated with her

i understand it looks like the only thing that’s changed between you and her is the boyfriend so obviously it must be his fault but again, as I’ve said numerous times, you need to accept your part in this.

I think you’re getting an unfair time on here OP - I say this as someone in my twenties who was a teenager not that long ago!
I don’t think it too much to ask at all to ask to do basic tasks like clean up after yourself be polite to family etc - the bare minimum really.
Once this has improved, maybe you could try and look at the incentives to stay at home more often - a family movie night etc? Hopefully things look up for you soon 💐

You need to befriend the boyfriend too.

Instead of just inviting dd out for lunch, invite them both.

When her sister is doing something, invite them both along.

Make him feel welcome at your house.

Keep reminding your dd that your her mum and always there for her.

This is a totally normal phase, but if you think the boyfriend is a bit if an arsehole the last thing you want to do is push her towards him.

Thank you

I can appreciate this is a massive worry for you OP and I didn't mean to sound insensitive. But don't threaten her with taking her room away, or get into petty arguments about rent.

Just keep repeating that her home is with you - she is 18 and this relationship is way too much. Tell her you are worried about her education, her health (mental and physical) - everything. She'll be home soon enough. I doubt they'll be able to keep things up at this intensity for long. Maybe get the school to speak with her?

You can eye roll all you like and I don't say anything unkindly but your behaviour is the problem here, not hers. You're using threats to try and get her to do what you want. And you're very dramatic on here.

Honestly, most parents of late teens (myself included) spend a lot of time inwardly sighing / getting in the car for yet another lift / listening to the latest drama and trying to sort it out. It's normal.

Saying you'll take her room back if she doesn't come home more is a threat. If she's 'not herself' since meeting this boy, then what n earth are you doing? Madness

Just to say I had my first serious bf from 17 stayed at his often, always away etc then went to university out of the country at 18 and came back briefly once a year. Very much a self-obsessed teen. Long term my relationship with my mum is fantastic and we are really close.

She let me spread my wings and made sure I knew this was always my home so if bf or uni went wrong I had somewhere to turn.

Firstly im sorry this is impacting you so hard. Youre right to seek support. There are a couple of different issues.

1. Rudeness: Never ok but you said she did apologise so youve bought her up well.
2. The room, youre right it doesnt make sense to waste the space but changing things could make her feel pushed out and exacerbate the issue. Is there a reason you need to change things? I'd give it a couple of months until things have settled and then bring up moving things around in a positive way. Im so proud of you making your way, this will always be your home and there will always be a room but as you are out so much then we are giving it to your sister because... Xyz. I'd actually wait until after exams for this tbh.
3. Your relationship, this transition is hard but shows youve raised a confident young woman. There are lots of articles about the grief of children growing up. Youve alluded to worry regarding trauma. Of course dont go into anything you dont want to and I may be reading into things, but did you have a partner young who want great? Toxic, harmful relationship and youre worried history is repeating? If so, tell her in an appropriate way. It may help humanise you and ground your concerns more than just 'mums overprotective and bossy'